Universe-ity. School for My Soul

I have learned a few things in my 38 years and 10 months about who I am and how that relates to the greater world. I don't profess to know a right path for everyone, but I do have some lessons learned that help guide me on my way. If you are an empath, or someone who is tuned in to energy, relationships and the greater mysteries of the universe, you may find these tidbits helpful. Mostly, I needed to write them down so I have a reference when I falter.

• We cross each other's paths to learn something. Sometimes our learning takes place in mere moments, other times we need decades. No relationship is unimportant to your humanity and growth. Honor them, the good ones and the hard ones. Let them go when they have served their purpose.
• The best things in life are the simple things. The first sip of coffee or tea on a Sunday morning, a goodnight kiss, holding hands, the friend that shows up when you need her, the sun that rises and sets despite your best efforts to stop time. Make mental notes of gratitude during these divine moments. For the love of joy, do!
• The universe continues on (expanding) because of energy. The energy of the sun and wind, the energy of love, the energy between people, and the energy in your cells, among others, is what moves us closer to bliss. Without this unseen life force, there would be nothing. Honor it by taking care of the energy you receive from another, and reciprocate with your own light energy as an offering of goodwill. Apologize and explain when you can't muster enough good energy to be a positive force in the world. That alone will contribute to the bank of good tidings. 
• Honesty is one of the most important virtues. Too many of us learned as young children to tell white lies so as to save ourselves or others from fear and pain. When the energy of your lies build over time though, you constantly live in fear and pain for not being honest. What you work hard to fight against, you create. Create truth. Create love.
• Do I want to be happy? Not really, no. Happiness, to me, is a fleeting emotion that insinuates falling in and out of a state of smiley contentment that often depends on getting one's way. I want to be joyful. I want peace. I want to know the joy that one feels in noticing the unexpected gifts and, like a child, feeling excited and grateful. Or the joy in hearing your favorite tune on the radio and at once commencing in loud singing, or dancing with abandon. Joy is a state of recognition - when we realize that life is full of amazing miracles in small (and large) packages. And when the joy that flows in waves through my heart and soul pulls back, I want the feeling of peace to be what remains. 
• Why do some people hurt people? Fear, insecurities, anger, triggers from old memories, wanting/needing/having to be right. Love on people that aren't interested in showing the world their woundedness, but instead share their vulnerabilities and grace.
• They say that the things that bug you about someone else are a mirror to your own issues. That you are just projecting. I see this a lot and I do agree that many people project their stuff on to others, but I also realize (now after a lot of time spent analyzing) that some people are just assholes and it has nothing to do with you. We empaths need to know this or we will spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing our shortcomings. Everyone has stuff to work on, sure, but don't let someone else's stuff become your stuff or you'll burst at the seams.
• It's okay to admit that you don't like someone. For as long as I can remember, I thought it was my gift and my purpose to find something to like about everyone. Some people have made that really hard. Others told me it was me and that I hadn't done enough for them. Some people didn't give two shits if I liked them or not. So, why did I spend so much of my life caring about people who didn't care about me when I could have been spending that energy caring for myself or the people that did? I'm almost 39 and for the first time I recently admitted there are people in this world that I don't like. Hello, my name is Katie and I am (still) a recovering people-pleaser.
• I've often wondered why some friends don't put a lot of effort into scheduling time together. They claim they like you. They say it's fun to hang out. They never call. I don't know if I have clarity quite yet, but I know that maybe it shouldn't matter. If you believe the relationship is a good one and it is mutual then spend time with that person when you can. If they are saying they like spending time with you, but their behaviors don't match their words don't spend extra energy worrying about it. For some reason they can't be honest with you, in which case maybe you don't want to be that close anyway.

Bulk Food = Samples. Yes or No?

Yesterday I told my child to steal. When the words came out of my mouth I realized there is no great way to explain what I meant and the why's and how's of it to a four year old. To ease some of my guilt I figured I would explain it to you. Like a confession. Forgive me friends, for I have sinned.

Our local mega-grocery store has a wonderful bulk food/candy section. There was a time when they passed out suckers to every kid that went through the check-out lane. When that stopped, I began allowing the kids to pick one thing out of the bulk food bins if they could make it through the store without whining, crying or asking for a dozen things. The big reward at the end of the long, boring shopping journey. BUT I did not begin this tradition without checking first. I am, for the most part, a rule follower. You will not find me participating in much that could get me in trouble with the law. So, why do I take a piece of bulk food without paying for it? Because I have asked the store clerks and management a million times (actually more than a dozen) if it is okay to have one piece of bulk candy, per child, while shopping. I have always been told that "yes, it is fine". I have done it in front of store clerks and they don't say anything. I tell you the truth: it was never intended to be sneaky or hidden.

Yesterday, my 4 yr old asked if we could pay for his Golden Coin (chocolate). Sure. That is fine.
So, I took the Golden Coin up to the register as I was paying for my groceries.

I asked the lady clerk if we could pay for the one Golden Coin.

She said "No. You have to buy more. They are measured by cost per pound and one won't weigh enough to be measured." And.... I waited for her to say, "He can just have it."

She did not say anything. 4yr old cried loudly when I said "You can't have it." All the while I am thinking ... c'mon lady just make up a price "25 cents, 1 dollar, give it away..." She obviously didn't know their policy on SHARING one piece of candy. She just stared at me like I was stupid and wrong. Well, maybe they didn't have a policy TO share, but is it out of the realm of her power to make it happen? Let me restate this. I have asked about the bulk candy many times(due to my fear of doing something wrong and getting in trouble). Each time we go to that store we get a piece of candy - so at least once a week. So this not happening was WAY against the grain of normal for my 4yr old. I know, poor him.

When he was crying as we were pushing our groceries out to the car, - minus one Golden Coin - he said "why can't I have my coin?" And I said "Because you asked to pay for it. Next time just take it like we always do." And I realized I just told my son to steal. He doesn't know that his mom has okayed their taking with the powers-that-be. He doesn't understand that sometimes when you try to do the right thing you are met with confusion and no options. He doesn't understand that some people lack the ability or power to be creative or make decisions in their jobs.

And now I don't know if I have been teaching my kids something horrible all along. My kids know that we don't take anything from a store without paying for it. I just considered the bulk food a "sample". I believe my children will grow up to think taking a piece of bulk food is okay, but I don't think that means that they will think taking a bag of bulk food is okay, or taking something else is okay. So, I am not sure what to think about having taught my kids that taking a piece of candy, even with permission, is okay.

Tell me what you think!

What's So Golden About the Golden Rule?

The Golden Rule receives a lot of attention. Parents and teachers use it to teach kids how to behave. Ministers use it to preach kindness. It is a celebrity rule among the millions of rules. We all know it. I have a love/fear relationship with it. I'll tell you why.

If you think The Golden Rule (treat others as you wish to be treated) means to always treat others nicely, with respect, with kindness, & with love at all times, then you might share the same unsettling feeling I often have. This feeling is the "I don't want to, but I guess I have to" feeling.

Your neighbor wants to bust down your door and give you the latest gossip - you might think The Golden Rule would say "don't be rude, just let her in". But your head is saying "No, I am tired and cranky and I want to be alone." The Golden Rule wins and you answer the door tired and cranky; your neighbor can tell and takes it personally. OR If someone consistently snubs you, belittles you, or gives you the cold shoulder - you may begin to be extra nice in hopes of changing their mind about you. Using the Golden Rule on them doesn't change them and you eventually become sad and resentful. Your resentment becomes the elephant in the room - you aren't being honest and you are not communicating.

The Golden Rule always works. Always. However, it often works against us until we recognize that we are not responsible for other people's happiness and they are not responsible for ours.

The flip side of The Golden Rule is this:

If you want to be honest with others, let them be honest with you.

If you want your friend to respect you, respect yourself and respect your friend.

If you want someone to communicate with you, try communicating that to them.

If you want time and space to put yourself first, allow others the time and space to put themselves first.

If you give what is easy for you to give, allow others to give what is easy for them to give.

If you want others to be nice all of the time, well, your screwed. "Nice" is subjective. Unless you can be nice all of the time, don't ask others to be.

The Golden Rule is not only about being nice, you see. It's about allowing. I see it as "Allow others to be who they are as you hope others will allow you to be who you are." The next step, and the part that really makes it Golden, is this: you allow without expectation. You can hope that others will allow you to be who you are, but you won't demand it. You will still BE WHO YOU ARE, but if others can't accept it, that isn't your problem. And without resentment, you can still give that to them. That my friends, is how the Golden Rule got it's name.

If you have time, I highly recommend this video from Byron Katie. The young girl oozes nice and kind. Watch how the Golden Rule can be flipped around on her. Applying this to my life consistently is my goal.

Reformed People Pleaser, Sorry!

I decided to start this blog because I am very conscious of my authenticity leading others to find me odd. There is no place like suburbia to make it easy for your uniqueness to stand out. The theme song for the show Weeds sings it out wonderfully...



For many years I stopped being who I was because it garnished such looks, or comments, like "You're wierd", "I don't get you", "She's a bitch". Maybe the last one had nothing to do with my strangeness and I need to own a bitchy side, too. But for the most part I have always been quiet, caring, interested in right more than wrong. I was never very rebellious.

I bonded early with my dad which led to an interesting, unharmonious relationship with my mom growing up. As a child, of course I didn't understand why she had such a hard time getting me. I know now it was not only my relationship with my dad but my very girly preferences (she was a tomboy), my quiet introverted tendencies (she was talkative and social), and my affection for quietly reading or daydreaming (she can't sit still). My relationship with my mom now is much better. Friendship works better for us than a parent-child relationship.

When I felt, as a girl, that who I was dissapointed people I became fearful of being who-I-am. My fears of being authentic were ingrained deep. People pleasing seemed easier than saying "No" or "Not me". Funny, peer pressure didn't work on me, though. I was not interested in doing what other people did just because. My sense of right and wrong, and my fear of my mother, outweighed what a bunch of immature kids thought was fun. I could see other people's insecurities from a young age and knew that most of their negative actions came from those insecurities. My people pleasing had more to do with adults and less to do with peers. Respecting adults seemed more important than respecting myself.

So, here I am, almost 33 years old, more ready to be myself with every person than I have ever been. I still have all of those traits from my girlhood, plus a lot more that I am just letting others see. This blog is my testament to being authentic. Yes, my authenticity has caused others to glare, laugh, stare, cry, thank me, curse me.... but I don't care. I have learned it is much easier to be myself than to work so hard and expend so much energy to please others. Sometimes it can even feel a bit scandalicious.

"It is not your role to make others happy; it is your role to keep yourself in balance. When you pay attention to how you feel and practice self-empowering thoughts that align with who-you-really-are, you will offer an example of thriving that will be of tremendous value to those who have the benefit of observing you." - Abraham- through Esther Hicks