Birth, Death and Living In Between

Yesterday was a day of life and a day of death. At 6:00 am I woke up to a message that my neighbor was in labor - the message was left at 4:00 am. I was supposed to be present for her home birth to offer support in the form of energy healing. I dressed quickly, ran over to their house, opened the door to find mama in the birthing pool in the middle of the living room and dad snuggling his new baby girl. A happy scene. I took some pictures of the newly expanded family and left them to nuzzle on their beautiful baby girl. Life.

I went to work where I received a text that my high school boyfriend's mother had just passed away. I was conflicted about whether or not to attend the funeral, send a card, do nothing, etc. My mind poured over all of the scenarios, giving me no clear answer on what to do. And then, Robin Williams. Dead of apparent suicide. Stunning. Sad. An amazing man. Yes, wonderful comedian. Yes, famous actor. Yes, recovering addict. For me, though, there was a perspective that was missing - a potential part of him that was not understood. There have been great tributes to the actor/comedian Robin, articles on mental illness, sharing of the suicide prevention hotline, Hollywood reactions to his death. I have read a lot of them. Not one article or tribute has contained the words that I want to hear. Need to hear.

Addictions or not, mental illness or not, famous or not - Life Is Hard. Especially for those of us that feel everything. We have our hearts on the pulse of life and the peace of death. The knowing, that some of us have, that we are here to learn lessons and live life as fully as possible until we are met again with the open arms of amazing grace and unconditional love, is both what keeps us going and what can also make death less terrifying than living. To be born into a world of feeling is to live with one's heart open to both unquantifiable love and immense pain. Life does not take it easy on us. It gives us challenges cloaked in relationships, feel-good chemicals, the duality of love and hate/good and bad, and religions to further confuse us about our salvation. Many of us crawl through life terrified of the future, angry at the past. Others choose to live big, embrace the adventure, ride the roller coaster. And some of us timidly take on challenges that excite us when we succeed, and anger us when we fail. Any way you live it, life leads to death. You can't avoid it.

I walk through this life in two worlds. I live in the physical world - a world with my family, friends, bills, violence, temptations, politics, beauty, kindnesses, art, poetry, helpers, healers, takers and givers. I also live in a spiritual world. A world beyond the five senses. A world of energy, unconditional love, spirit guides, angels, and a pureness of body, mind and spirit. This is a world that exists within and beyond the physical world. Our unlimited and expansive home -  a place where we are fully embraced and accepted for who we are. It is amazing grace and within the veil, a life of joy and peace.

I want to believe that maybe Robin knew this too. His crystal blue, sparkling eyes of depth and love seemed to indicate he did. Maybe he no longer felt or saw evidence of the spiritual world in the physical world, and he was pained for it. We are the ones left behind, and that is always hard. We try to understand it - but only have our own lenses (yes, me too) from which to do so. What do we do next to honor him? Yes, he should be revered for his uncanny abilities in comedic relief. Of course his life will be talked about and analyzed because he was a celebrity. No, do not let us forget those that struggle with mental illness and depression and know no other choice but ending the pain. Let's do what we can to understand and support them. In my heart, I feel Robin Williams made a choice yesterday and I believe he did it knowing where he was going.

Living with a sense of knowing what awaits me on the other side has been my blessing and my curse. When the pain of this life looms large and the promise of peace in the next life is all you have, your choice is easy. I wonder, why stay? I also understand that no matter where my soul resides, the physical or spiritual world, love surrounds me and all will be well. This promise keeps be grounded in the world of duality, ready to adventure through.

In between birth and death is life - and it's a mighty hill to climb. Beautiful, difficult, painful, full of beauty and love.

Thesis for my Masters of Science in Quitting

For over six months a very persistent but understanding voice has told me that it's time to move on. I have ignored it, I have attempted to reason with it, I have resented it and been angry at it. Who in their right fucking mind quits a job when they are the ONLY one earning a stable income and bringing in benefits? Who? That would be me.

My life in review has led me to this truth: I am a quitter. I quit things that I don't feel are right for me. As a kid, I quit piano (mean teacher), gymnastics (too tall), and soccer (probably saved myself from anorexia or bulimia). I quit friendships - every year in high school I had a new group of friends. I retreated from those that overlooked me, were uninterested in really knowing me, or those that were interested in friendships that brought status. When I quit my high school boyfriend, it was to begin dating a handsome, long-haired, art education major in college. I thought it would be a short fling - an exciting dance to the tune of Wild Thing. I am still dancing with him 19 years later. The summer after my freshman year in college I came home, got a job at Burger King and then quit said job after my first elbow-covered-in-french-fry-grease night. I immediately told my parents I would not be spending the summer living with them (I was 18) and I moved back to East Lansing where I lived for three and a half years, gladly paying my own way that summer. I almost quit college, but decided against it and instead finished in three and a half years. Immediately after graduating from MSU, I quit the state of Michigan and moved to Phoenix, Arizona with my boyfriend-turned-fiance in tow. No jobs, no friends, just a rented apartment. Eventually we found jobs and made friends. We solidified our togetherness there - 2000 miles from any expectations, traveling the red rock, desert land of the west. We had been in Arizona for nine months, were married in Michigan during that time, when I decided we should quit Arizona. I had quickly realized how much I loved and needed Michigan and my family. We bought a house in a lovely neighborhood and we each had jobs, when I decided we needed to have kids. I then quit my job to stay home with them. I have quit multiple part-time jobs as a mom - always looking for a schedule and variety that worked best both personally and for my family. And now, the biggest risk I have ever taken is quitting a job that provides medical benefits and a stable paycheck to once again be at home. Why? Because...

I haven't quit my childhood dream job - to be a great mom.
I haven't quit my kids.
I haven't quit my marriage.
I haven't quit faith.
I haven't quit adventure.
I haven't quit listening to my intuition.
I haven't quit trusting in my ability to land on my feet.
I haven't quit knowing who I am and what I am capable of.
I haven't quit my dreams.

I am not done quitting. I look forward to quitting. I will gladly quit:
fear.
caring about other people's opinions of me.
looking backward.
worry.
resentment.
materialism.
wondering if I am enough, if my life has been worth it.

Today, I am a happy and peaceful person because of the things I quit. I don't regret one thing I have quit. I have known when it's right to stay and when it's time to move on. All of my decisions have led me to a greater understanding of myself and of life. I am so grateful to have solid, loving, mutual friendships. My husband I have have worked really hard to nurture the love and passion in our marriage and despite difficulties and dark days we continue to move forward. We are both nurtured and frustrated by the growth that we ask of and create for each other. I have three beautiful children that love me and still admit it out loud. I have family that lives near, in this beautiful state that I love. I live in the town that I grew up in and happily have claimed again, through a new love affair, as "home". I am looking forward to building a business with my husband and a holistic health practice of my own. I don't feel like a quitter at all. I feel like a doer. Like an adventurer. I'm a life-liver-and-lover and I'm at peace with who I am.

“Quitting is not giving up, it's choosing to focus your attention on something more important. Quitting is not losing confidence, it's realizing that there are more valuable ways you can spend your time. Quitting is not making excuses, it's learning to be more productive, efficient and effective instead. Quitting is letting go of things (or people) that are sucking the life out of you so you can do more things that will bring you strength.” ― Osayi Osar-Emokpae, Impossible Is Stupid

Bring It

I am ready for the next adventure. I want life to break me open. I want no more of this boxed in, breathless, anxious state. I can say I am afraid, but I'm surprised at what I am afraid of. I am afraid of being too successful. I am afraid that brighter my light, the more I will disappoint the people that have known me the longest and the best. It's just as irrational of a fear as any other, but it's different. I have always known that I am strong, full of love, and capable of achieving whatever it is that I want to. I have never believed that it would be well received if I did.

This is my fear. And if I don't break through it, I stay here - in a curled up state of suffocation.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

What Do You Take With You on the Adventure of Your Lifetime?

I have done a lot of work in the past 4 years. Working from home. Working on lightening my load so that my life adventure is the best it can be. This work involved reading. Meditating. Asking. Listening. and The Work. The Work works for me. From the website: The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world. It's a way to understand what's hurting you, and to address your problems with clarity.

I am also able to see what other people take with them on their lifetime adventure. Their baggage. It may be desiger, inexpensive, simple, newly acquired or from years ago, no matter the outside it is just a container for their stuff. It is lugged wherever one may go. And the contents are worn in countless arrangements: the overall look commonly called their style.

It might be a person's style to commonly get an attitude with the hardworking people in the service industry, despite the quality of service. It might be another's style to take their unhappiness from one relationship to the next, and the next, and the next; always blaming the other person. It might be a kind grandmother's style to worry if there is something to be worried about, and there always is. It might be the teacher's style to care more about manners from children than allowing them to be the smart people they are, with opinions and ideas that disagree with authority.

When I notice other people's baggage now, it is with love. I judge and criticize less and love more. How can I be mad at someone else for having baggage when I have my own? I just notice from a place of knowing what it's like. And I love them.

My awareness of other people taking their baggage with them didn't happen until after I became aware of, and did The Work on, my own baggage. My baggage was (and still is, on occasion) my high expectations of myself, others, and how my life should be. My awareness and questioning of my high expectations has helped me tremendously in feeling more peaceful than I have ever felt in my life. I am the first to admit that I have wanted everything in my life to be completely fulfilling and wonderful (or ahem.. perfect, I dare say). My time spent as a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids. My part-time job. My husband. My kids. My dogs. My house. My friends. My family. Everything was supposed to complete my life. But it did not and does not and will not. In the past, this realization would lead to internal anguish. Why didn't this job, this friend, this person, this house, this God, this choice - fill me up?? It must be the thing, the house, husband, job, the church, kids, friends, and NOT ME!! (Blaming is the cornerstone in believing our baggage to be more beautiful and filled with important things that we have to have to exist - while at the same time believing we know best for another what they need to exist).

The thousands of moments that I have spent disappointed in other people have taken their toll. I am tired of it. I am tired of my idealistic view of life. I have thought things such as: my mother-in-law should have loved me from the get-go and we should have become friends that occasionally spent our free time together. She should have been so pleased and excited to have a daughter-in-law like me! This is not what happened and I let it hurt me for too long. And this doozy: the people that bought our old house should have wanted to be our friends and could have invited us over for dinner to show us all of the great things they did to the house and tell us all of the reasons they love it and the neighborhood. Instead, they wouldn't make eye contact with us, much less have a conversation. Lastly, my relationships with ALL of my friends would be based on mutual respect, fun times, and truth. In actuality, I wanted it but when I looked closely, did I always offer that? No. I was always disappointed and often sad when, for whatever reason, my expectations were not met. In these examples my expectations were set so high that the truth was often disappointing and yet very REAL. Then I realized that I took my expectations into those situations and then had the audacity to feel betrayed and saddened that the reality did not meet my standards. So the person with the problem was me.

The past 4 years has taught me that it is not other people or things that are supposed to fulfill me, but me. I can only be in charge of my baggage, what I pack and where I take it. When I am in other people's baggage, arguing with what they choose to carry around, I lose. When I stay in my own business and actively look for ways to become the best person I can be, I find heaven and life is divine.

Byron Katie likes to say "All war begins in the mind. And separately - All war belongs on paper, do The Work, find peace inside and the world will follow." And "If you want something to be different than it is, you might as well teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, "Meow." Wanting something to be different than it is is hopeless."

Though there are times I still have to dialogue or blog about issues I am working out in my head, I have found a large amount of inner peace by questioning my thoughts. The should haves, the supposed to, the have to are fading away. What's replacing them is the ISness of life and it is beautiful. I don't always understand why, but I now find my lack of knowing the why's and how's of things to be an adventure, not a curse. So, I didn't get the job - that's obviously not what was best for me. Not one of my relationships is with a person exactly like me and that makes them so much more exciting and educational. Finally, I have stopped pretending to be God; dictating how others should act, what is right and wrong, and how the world should be. It's none of my business.