Hot Damn Between My Legs & Various Other Stories from Wheatland

What a weekend! Wheatland never disappoints. You can guarantee you'll eat all the wrong (but yummy) foods, hear good music, drink good drinks, and watch your kids have fun. Here is a list of various funnies and warmies from the weekend. Enjoy!

• Kevin yelling "Amish!" every time we pass an Amish person on our drive out there. We pass a school and Amish children are playing on the playground (very sweet, really) and 9 year old says "Why are the Amish so short?" not realizing they were children (because they all dress like the adults).
• Cars line up to get in the gate. While waiting we are having a good ol' time. I crack a beer (we drove about 10 yards every 10 minutes) and sip my Hot Damn (cinnamon schnapps). KARK (m) says something about Hot Damn between my legs and we agree my blog title must be "hot damn between my legs". Thanks KARK(m)
• KARK x2's 4yr old daughter is singing to herself and when I lean in to listen to her she sings "I am singing a song... And my tunes all have love in them." This girl is so happy. She actually walks on her tippy toes or skips everywhere. Love her.
• KARK's 7 yr old daughter grabs my hand as I take her to the bathroom. Love her.
• My diet consisted of Greek Pizza, fried Potatoes and Gravy, walking tacos, an elephant ear, and beer/hot damn/coffee/gatorade. Talk about delicacies.
• Laughing with KARK(f) after we had a red bull and vodka. I'll try to remember why we were laughing and insert here:
• Listening to friend MK's son talk about a huge spider he had found: he said he didn't know if it was poisonous but if it bites him and he dies, it is.... (he LOVES bugs).
• Hearing the story of MK meeting her husband JK. He slapped her on the ass and said "do you want to make out?" She said no and declared him annoying. They are together over a decade later. So sweet.
• My 4yr old went into the porta-potty. I made sure he turned the green button to red by locking the door before I went in the next one. He came out first and wanted to know which one I was in. I banged on the side to show him and he said in his worried tone "MOM, you're not supposed to go in the red one's!!"
• Hearing Cheryl Wheeler. She's super funny and a good songwriter.
• The supposed 3-hour nap I took on Saturday. Thanks Kevin!
• KARK(f) reminding me that two years previous I was grumpy on the last day (Sundays are hard) and had told them before we left that "I am sorry I am moody. I haven't pooped in three days, I am tired, and I have dust boogers."
• I am happy to report, I was much less grumpy this time on the last day of Wheatland. I swear it was the walking tacos.
• My mom made awesome chicken salad, lent me her belt and put up with my eye rolling at her humming. (To tunes she had never heard - she was predicting the next note....but really, I'm sorry).
• My mom and dad impress me by coming to Wheatland even though they are "seniors", camping, and actually having a good time. They're so cool.
• I love Wheatland. It catapults me right into feeling fallish. It is good time spent with old and new friends. The kids love it, except for the "boring" music. I get a weekend outdoors.

Until next year, "Happy Wheatland!"

It's My Scandalicious Genes!

I am pulling a blogging no-no. Two posts on one day within minutes of each other. I am doing this for a few reasons:

• I might forget the story if I don't share, my short term memory is like that of a bird that keeps flying into the same window to say 'hi' to it's twin.
• It should be a short story.
• My mom is so funny, she deserves a whole post devoted to her.

So, today I was driving home from work and decided I had better call my mom to see what state my house was in. I was having certain dinner guests and they hadn't seen our house yet. Long story. It was spotless when I left it in the hands of my three kids and their wonderful sitter. I feared that during the day the kids would tear it apart, as happens most days. I felt the task of keeping the house clean too great a task for my sitter, as it is for me everyday. So, I called in reinforcements - my mom - to come check on the house towards the end of the day. So, I am driving home and I want to know the state of the house before I get there so I can mentally prepare.

Dial Mom's cell: ring ring ring ring.....

Mom: "Hello?" (giggle)

Me: "Hi Mom"

Mom: "Oh, Katie. God." (noise in the background)

Me: "What's wrong? Where are you?"

Mom: "I'm at BlahBlah Bistro. My cell phone was like a VIBRATOR! I am having dinner with NiceProper Lady and all of the sudden something started vibrating. I couldn't figure out what it was. It was my cell phone ringing on vibrate." (all said in a normal or above average speaking voice)

Me: "Uh, okay Mom. Hey I was just wondering if the house looked good when you stopped by."

Mom: "Oh, yes. The house looks great. They didn't need my help at all."....

I must tell you, I admire my mom's agility. She can go from saying vibrator to talking about vacuum's without flinching. Her friends know this about her. We, her children, know this. Soon her grandkid's will understand this. On we shall pass our genetic predisposition to talk about uncomely things in our honest and witty ways.

Oh, my dear children, I pass on a great legacy.