Blissful Parenting Schmarenting - Bleh!

Just a night after posting about my ability to parent blissfully, and only moments ago, I told Kevin:

Me: We are the worst parents in Kalamazoo. We are lazy. We'd love it if the kids made their own food, entertained themselves, and tucked themselves into bed by 9:00. The difference between you and I is that I KNOW this about us. You don't seem to realize how lazy you are. I do. And when I do I work to change it. And even when I don't want to work to change it I do, because the kids obviously CAN'T feed themselves, and would never tuck themselves into bed. So, start helping me out by realizing how crappy a job we would be doing if we COULD.

Kevin: (no comment. just stared at me)

So, the truth is I do believe all of that stuff I posted yesterday, and I really do my best to live it. BUT I don't do a "perfect job". And I certainly have not attained blissful wifery yet. I am working on that too. I am sure Kevin is NOT working on attaining blissful husbandry. He already seems to be accepting of all of my stuff. More than I am of his.

I think the biggest hurdle is that he works and I stay home. So, when does my time "on the job" end? Only when I schedule time outside the house. Which I do often. I have a pretty active social life because otherwise Kevin would work, hunt, or I'd watch him sit and watch cartoons with a basket of laundry next to him that remains unfolded. I have to get out of the house to have time for me - without Things To Do staring me in the face.

If you haven't concluded yet - this evening was not blissful. And again, all because of my expectations. BLEH! But I'll get over it and go back to being grateful - tomorrow.....

How I Love Thee, Let Me Blog The Ways

Letter to my Honey:

Yes, I love you. Even when you forget to pick up your underwear and you leave it for me to do. I love you when you say everything is going to be okay even though I haven't found a job to help make everything okay and instead spend my time blogging, tweeting, and meeting friends for drinks.

I love you because you love me more than your mom.
I love you because you and I created cute kids (forget that they have also acquired our worst habits and quirks).
I love you for working your ass off, literally, and causing me to dream about fitting into YOUR skinny jeans. Lest I forget my weight loss goals.
I love you for staying true to yourself. You have always kept me waiting and I am sure you always will. Don't change for anyone, baby.
I love you for thinking I am employable: smart, quick, dependable, funny, anyone would be lucky to have me. Even though no one seems to want me.
I love you for letting me paint our house shades of the fall colors I love. I am not sure what colors you love for walls.
I love you for thinking I'm sexy - even though I don't quite resemble the 17 year old I was when I met you.
I love you for not caring about the fanciest cars, clothes, and things. When I buy you a Crossfire you'll have your own cargasm. Right? I think...
I love you for being open to me sharing all of my scandalicious thoughts with unknown and known readers.

I just wanted you to know why I love you. I am sure there are more reasons, but we are headed on a date. And I'll take actually talking to you over typing to you, via Father Internet and Mother Masses, any day.

Your loving wife,
ScandalciousK

Single Parenting Might be For Me! .... for occasional pre-planned weekends

Sign me up for the Single for an Occasional Weekend Plan (SOW? like a mother pig or to tend for growth? perfect!)! Is there one? Maybe we can both sign up for the same weekend and really have a good time! Me, my kids, you (um, just the moms - sorry dads), your kids. What fun we would have.

Kevin went to a 3-D archery shoot this weekend (picture giant stuffed animals in the woods - aim & shoot). It has been raining all weekend. Not just drizzling, but raining. I am worried that we will lose something. Not sure what. A tree. Basement carpeting. A kid in the quick-mud. So, I have no husband, no outdoor space to play, & danger lurking out my door [added for dramatic effect]. You would think I would be curled up in a corner alternating sips of coffee with shots of Hot Damn. Eyes red and bloodshot. Voice hoarse from yelling. But, I am not.

I actually do quite well when Kevin goes away. It feels like I have one less person to manage. Oh, wait, I do. He really creates as much mess as the kids. He leaves his dishes and shoes for me to pick up. He practices archery instead of folding laundry. He comes home wondering if dinner is ready when it's not. Or comes home without an appetite when I have cooked. I said to him when he left, "wow, it's amazing. you can just walk out the door when it's time to leave. no notes about care of kids. no phone numbers in case of emergency. just goodbye. have fun. see you soon." He said "well, if this were my job i might leave you a note." I said "oh, did you leave notes at work?" He said "no". See it's just not the same.

I know when I start working I will add my paid job to all of the above. It won't be divvied up evenly. Even women who claim feminism get pulled into the strong ancestral feeling of "mom" and what that means. And dad's generally go through life with more freedom to come and go, or sit down and watch cartoons (bleh!), or play with their bow and arrows.... not that they see it that way. I know having a family to provide for has weighed heavily on Kevin. So, maybe it is fair that for one weekend he can just leave his responsibilities without fear or turning back and go shoot fake animals in the woods. Oh, and he called to say he won. I asked what he won. He said "nothing but the bragging rights of beating 6 other guys". That was enough for him. I wouldn't enter a contest and drive 5 hours to win if there wasn't a prize at the end. I'm just sayin'.

For me the contest was "can i survive a single parent weekend". And I am happy to say that this weekend I felt: more patient. more energy. more willingness to be the only one in charge. i happily entertained, cooked, and taxied children. i spent less time on the computer and more time with kids. i planned creative projects (in my head). i considered painting the boys room and would have except they can't agree on a color. It all seemed to flow well and I actually enjoyed my time with the kids.

So, while I can pretend that single parenting is easier and choose to blog about the disadvantages of being married to a man-child, I secretly yearn for his return and warm body in my bed (as opposed to the many fingers and toes in my back). I am well aware of the two sides to this fairy tale; the struggles that the princess has understanding her prince-charming but loving him all the same. I am sure my girlfriends and I will tell our stories again and again, and always come up with the same conclusion. "You don't marry the person you can live with. You marry the person you can't live without."

List of Things to Do Before I Die, aka The Bucket List

On June 13, 2008, before I started this blog, I made a Bucket List on my facebook page. Many of my friends have already read it and commented. I thought I would post it here for my blog followers and lurkers. I really don't put a lot of NEED into most things on my bucket list. I am a happy, fulfilled person with or without some of these goals being met. However, it's always good to have goals; so, given the time and opportunity (and in some cases with the proper motivation and dedication) I will attempt to meet these before I croak, die, kick the bucket....

1. Learn to play guitar.
2. Travel to Africa - possibly staying for a month or more.
3. Become friends with my children when they are adults.
4. Have a great relationship with my future daughter(s)-in-law.
5. Have a male friend that can advise me on fashion, relationships, and decorating without wanting to kiss me.
6. Bring moms together in a safe, supportive, and encouraging environment to share, learn and grow together.
7. Write a book. Don't care if it is published, not sure if it is fiction or non, I just have a lot to say.
8. Stop random thoughts from ruining my day - like the one I just had now "you'll never get any of this done".
9. Give an accurate intuitive reading for someone some day.
10. Enjoy cooking and cleaning enough to entertain as often as my mom.
11. Make sure that everyone I know knows how much I love them.
12. Learn to sing in my own voice (ignoring the thoughts that Ihave to be a soprano when in fact I am closer to an alto).
13. Find peace in every moment.
14. Get in awesome shape.
15. Adopt, become a foster parent, or a Big Sister.
16. Stand up for the underdog when presented with that oportunity. For people that are not treated with dignity or given the same consideration because of their race, age, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation.
17. Attend a Byron Katie School for The Work.
18. Get laser vision for my eyes - tired of contacts.
19. Have wild, passionate sex many times a week for many years - and just once - smoke a cigarette afterwards.
20. Take a road trip to the west coast while the kids are still young - but not too young.
21. Tour Canada - stop to visit Natasha. Canada is the only place I have ever seen the Northern Lights - would love a repeat.
21. a. I should add - learn more about Canada before I go.
22. Travel the world - too many places to list.
23. Own a horse again.
24. Start a Holistic Wellness Center - welcoming all people.
25. Shop locally and eat predominantly organic.
26. Open a boutique of some sort.
27. Practice Yoga regularly. Possibly getting teacher certification.
28. Become a snowbird. Or live in multiple places in a year.
29. Witness the birth of at least one of my grandchildren.
30. Grow my own fruits and vegetables.
31. Go on a week long horseback riding and camping excursion.
32. Have enough time in the day to call every person I promised to call and let them know I KNOW I am a slacker when it comes to the phone and that in fact it has nothing to do with them and I love them.
33. Stop analyzing life and just live it!!
34. Stop caring about what other people think - about me, or life, or religion, or politics.
35. Feel a daily, constant connection to LOVE (aka GOD).
36. Fall in love with my husband again and again.
37. See Kevin happy and doing something he loves - either with hobbies or work.
38. Win the lotto so I can do what I always wanted to do and pay off my friends mortgages and take care of my family (parents, brother, SIL, my own kids and husband).
39. Get creative again: draw, paint, design.
40. Start a not-for-profit that redecorates kids rooms so they have a personal space of their own that feels warm and nuturing.
41. Learn jewelry making and knitting.
42. Learn to play the piano.
43. Go to a luxurious spa with Kevin for a week of crazy relaxation and pampering.
44.Pull of a Pixie cut. Yeah Right a 5'11 pixie. (Update: Accomplished 7/08)
45. Have platinum blond hair - or some crazy hair color.
46. Get another tattoo.
47. Rock a bikini starting next year and for at least 10 more years.
48. Play in some adult sports league (volleyball, tennis, etc.)
49. Start an adventure club for women (outdoor or athletic adventures mostly).
50. Own a few GREAT pieces of art.
51. Own a cabin in the woods on a river.
52. Hire my house cleaner back and keep her forever.
53. Have friend teach me how to make Mozzarella cheese.
54. Make Kevin laugh again as hard as he did when I snapped myself in the face with a rubber fitness band (while dancing).
55. Stop biting my nails FOR GOOD!
56. Take the kids to Makinac Island and bike around the island.
57. Shop from Athleta or Title Nine without worries about cost.
58. Have fresh flowers in my house year round.
59. Rent a place in the Carolina's on the beach with a group of friends and their kids.
60. Travel to California with KARK x 2 - the beach house is calling us!
61. Take individual trips with each of my kids when they reach a certain age.
62. Finish my Reiki Master course.
63. Formally study Holistic Health - doesn't have to lead to a degree but it could.
64. Buy the most luxurious mattress, sheets, bedding and pillows so that when I fall asleep I feel like I am in Heaven.
65. Own pretty pajamas suitable for sitting on the porch while drinking my morning coffee.
66. Read Mists of Avalon again.
67. Own 6 season tickets to Michigan State University football games.
68. Never stop dancing.
69. Speak Spanish fluently.
70. Find the tree that my mom and dad carved their initials on when they met. The tree was in Jackson Hole, WY in a campground in the mountains.
71. Type my dad's travel journal he was keeping when he met my mom so there is a copy of it forever.
72. Take the fall color tour of New England that I have wanted to do for years.
73. Swim with the dolphins.
74. Swim across the lake I grew up on at least once a year until I can no longer swim.
75. Visit winery's around the world.
76. Have the audacity to skinny dip again.
77. Decorate like Martha Stewart for Halloween and then throw an elaborate Halloween party.
78. New Year's Eve in Times Square - just once.
79. Learn about my lost relatives and ancestors - and meet a few.
80. Volunteer or work in the Child Life department of a hospital.
81. Host a foreign exchange student.
82. Go to a chocolate factory and take a tour.
83. Watch wild chimpanzees.
84. Have a past life regression.
85. Send my parents on a dream vacation.
86. See a woman become President.
87. See an African American become President.
88. Swim in a pool of water at the bottom of a waterfall.
89. Learn to bartend.
90. Put my rubber fitness band dance on You Tube.
91. Go to an Ellen DeGeneres Show.
92. Learn to sew well enough to make adorable kids clothes and pajamas bottoms with a long inseam.
93. Be on a community board of directors.
94. Support parents just learning about their child's ADHD, anxiety or other neurological disorder.
95. Own a hybrid car.
96. Live the Way of the Tao.
97. Keep a fairly regular journal or blog. (Update: I think I am doing that! Woo-hoo!)
98. Take 4 year old to the tea cups at Disney - he has been asking to go for a few years.
99. Get close to whales in the wild.
100. See my niece cured of Diamond Blackfan Anemia, a rare blood disorder.
101. Die happy, fulfilled, and loved.

What We Could Do With A Love Like That

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth "you owe me".
Look what happens with a Love like that!

It lights the whole Sky. (Hafiz)

If I had to guess at why I was put on this earth - what difference I can make - I would say it has to be to love. I think we are all here to love, though. Is that a special skill? Something that can be made into a PrimeTime Heroes character? I mean do I really posess any loving talent greater than another? No, I don't think so. But I do think that loving is central to my existence. I want to learn how to do it well.

I already love so many people. I love the people put in my life without earthly choice: my parents, my children, my grandparents, my in-laws (via the earthly choice of my husband).

My earthly choices: Kevin and my friends.

The various people that I know well enough to show my love: co-workers, friends of friends, long ago friends, friends parents, teachers, people that I see frequently- some whose names I don't know (grocery store clerks), kids friends, kid friends parents.

Those that aren't the easiest to get along with because of who I am: George W. Bush, haters, negative people, manipulators, con artists, people with extremely different beliefs than me, darkworkers.

And the others - the one's that I find it hardest to love: criminals, child abusers, toxic people.

Those people least like me are hardest to know, right? I mean our differences make us resist getting to know one another. There are a lot more people in this world that are different than me than are the same. And yet, as I explained in my other post: Whatever, Same Difference, those differences are neither here nor there. I don't really care about them - when it comes down to humanity and love, I would prefer to hedge my bets on love winning in the end.

Do I want to make earthly choices about how to spend my time? Yes. I would rather spend my time with people that respect me and love me back.

Did I make an earthly choice on who to marry? Yes. I had to pick one person, people. And he had to pick me back. That's how marriage works (for me). Do I think that means I could never love another man again? No. I know I could - in much the same way. And I hope, should anything ever happen, that Kevin could love another woman in a similar way.

Love is our greatest expression of freedom. When we stop putting obstacles in the way of love and just love - we are truly free.

I wrote a question on facebook the other day. I asked my girlfriends to tell me if they tell their girlfriends that they love them, hug/kiss them, hold hands, or any physical contact (out of support or just because). I wasn't asking because I have an agenda. I just wanted to know. We give guys a hard time for their lack of emotions and ability to hug other guys. And yet, at most I hug my friends hello or goodbye. I sometimes tell girlfriends I love them. And I have kissed a few friends on the cheek when I felt they really needed the support. Yet, my daughter naturally holds hands with her best friend as they walk down the street. She and her friend giggle and hug and express their feelings about their "best friendship" with ease. And I sit wondering. When will that change? What rules will our girls learn that will suffocate their natural expression of love?

Is reading this making you squirm? Or question my sexual orientation? Honestly, it is making me squirm a little at thought of being questioned. And yet, I am learning to not care. I love to love. I love to be free in that way. There are so many rules I can't keep up with them - so I try not to. The love I feel for my fellow humans transcends those well known Greek/Christian classifications: Eros (sexual), Phileo (brotherly), Storge (parental), Xenia (hospitality). I feel something more like Agape: loving the soul of every individual.

If I could be a Hero would my special power (Love) make me extremely weak or superhumanly strong? Would I be so loving and trusting of others that one could come to me in a hug and stab me in the back? Or would my continued love for them at the moment of my death transcend death itself?

The children of Adam are limbs of each other
Having been created of one essence.
When the calamity of time afflicts one limb
The other limbs cannot remain at rest.
If you have no sympathy for the troubles of others
You are not worthy to be called by the name of "man". - Sa'di

Feminism vs. Stop Taking Life So Seriously

I truly believe that Zen (or Peace) is achieved internally. You choose to be in a state of Zen or you don't. We are overloaded with rules on how to interact with people so as not to offend. Or, we react negatively to others because we are told that we are supposed to be offended. Have you ever paused (after you've reacted) to wonder why you reacted so strongly? What if how peaceful you feel is influenced by how you react to life's crazy little moments, and not because the crazy little moments exist?

A few years ago, I went to the mall to pick out a new wedding band (mine had vanished). I was in a good mood. I was by myself, picking out expensive jewelry. REALLY good mood. 3 hours later, despite my inablility to make a decision, I maintained my good attitude. The people working with me were very patient. I joked, I laughed, I almost cried (when it hit me what I had lost: grandma's diamonds). But I had fun.

I was leaving the mall when I came to an escalator that wasn't working. In the middle of the escalator were two teenage boys playing around and looking over the side. I started a little "escalator jog" up the middle, between them. I was wearing jogging pants, so I thought I would put them to use.

When I got to them I said "Did you guys stop this thing?" with a smile on my face. One of them answered "Naw" and the other looked at me and made a Pffffff sound and said "What's yo name?" to which I answered "Oh, I am too old for you" as I jogged up past them. I thought it was over. The banter. But No, he replies "But yo ass ain't".....

Mind starts racing... Huh?..... I should turn around and say something about respecting the ladies. Wait, am I really offended?....Nope, I guess not enough - just keep going.... Still in a good mood.

I called Kevin to apologize for being so late and I told him the story. When I got to the "punch line" I started to crack up. I have laughed every time I have told this story. What is so funny? The comments were unexpected, but mostly that my 30 year old booty appealed to a random high school boy! HA! Wow! When someone compliments me, even in an offhand way, it's my choice to accept it and say thank you, or not and get offended.

I recently had a freind (woman) say "At the risk of sounding queer, I want to tell you how pretty I think you are". I accepted her compliment. Later, I wondered why can't we compliment people without starting a sentence "at the risk of sounding queer, sexist, ageist, etc"? And why can't we also accept a compliment without explaining it away to them or to ourselves? It's hard to do. I wanted to tell her "Oh, no you are so silly", but instead I just said "thanks". It wasn't a game. It was a genuine compliment and a peaceful acceptance.

I know that the peace I feel or don't feel is my decision. I am at peace with some cellulite and an aging body. BUT especially when it is complimented. So the feminist in me, who would have turned around and taught the boys a lesson, was not in that evening. I was happy, peaceful and light hearted and so I shut down the "reactor" in my head and kept walking. That boy certainly didn't earn my respect, and that was HIS choice. My choice was to move on. My choice was to smile and take the compliment, however offhanded it was.

There is a great song from my youth that I am proud to say still applied to ME that night:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up front
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring--Sir Mix-a-Lot

Traits of My Men

I can't believe I am falling in love with Edward Cullen. He's a vampire. A fictional character. I am not really falling in love with him - just fantasizing. What would it be like to have a man put himself between you and any potential harm every time, and KNOW that he could win? Or be kissed passionately despite the fact that doing so made him want to drink your blood (and therefore kill you)? Or the exhiliration you would feel riding on his back while he races through the woods - carrying you like you weigh nothing? Is it just me?

It's not the author's writing style. Or the lure of vampire stories - though that adds to the 'forbidden love' feeling. It's just the all-consuming, passionate love story. We are never too old for a good love story. But, admittedly, I feel a little too old to be this smitten....

I guess I can add 'nice vegetarian vampires' to my list of fantasy men. The list that started in 2nd grade with Peter Pan and grew to include Brad Pitt, Jesus and now Vegetarian Vampires.

Before any of you go worrying about my poor husband you need to know something. My fantasies are based in my attraction to the spirit of a person.

Peter Pan did his own thing by not growing up, yet caring enough for Wendy to consider leaving Neverland. And Brad Pitt, well that attraction really came from his character in Legends of The Fall. His long hair and rebellious ways -but when he fell in love he fell hard. And Jesus - again the long hair - and the good heart, but a revolutionary. They all have supernatural powers, too, which adds the spiritual element of life that I am so fond of.

Well, I married a guy that had long hair when I met him, he is kind and gentle, but also doesn't put up with my crap, and is more rebellious (mostly adventurous) than I am in many ways. I think these stories remind me that I married a man with the qualities that I am, and always have been, attracted to.
(Kevin and I in 1994)

I'm Just a Girl in the World

So, I know I am onto something when my husband finds my blog so funny and intriguing that he looks at me as if I have changed from 'mom of three' to the 17 year old hottie I was when he met me . Kevin has taken to my blog like a teenage boy to Playboy. I could be sitting next to him in sweatpants, a oversized t-shirt, with a toothpaste 'stache and he'd still ....well, anyway. He can't seem to wrap his brain around the fact that I, the mother of his children, can be scandaliciously funny. He reads and his eyes widen, "Oh my gosh. You said 'Some Like it Dirty'! You are funny, babe".

I had posted the first two stories before I first mentioned my blog to him. I started with the name only, mostly because he seemed less than interested in actually reading it. "Scandalicious Suburbia" I said. He looked at me like I was crazy. Crazy good or crazy bad, I did not know.

"That's Hot" he said.
HUH?
"Did you think of that name?"
Uh, yeah I did, but after I thought of it, I realized that I didn't invent it. Pretty funny isn't it. It's like it's delicious to be yourself... that's where I ....

He cut me off with his "I want you" eyes. I was confused. I won't go into all of the details why he thinks it's hot. I don't understand the male brain enough to be okay with sharing where his mind jumped to. Afterall, maybe he's wierd or something. Maybe I am naive. That's all I am saying.

The title was enough for him to take interest in reading. Now he's hooked. Blogging is GREAT!, my favorite person in the world is my biggest fan and I am having fun.

He was my biggest fan until today, that is. I guess when Kevin is proud of me he does what any loving husband would do and he shares his pride in me with his peeps. Fine with me (even though his friends are probably sick of hearing what I am up to now, as it changes all of the time - another blog topic). Today I received a friend request on facebook from a woman I didn't know. I was at work and I couldn't get on facebook to try to figure out who she was. A few hours later I receive a facebook message in my email inbox from same woman. Here is a portion of the letter (which I hope she doesn't mind me sharing):

Katie,

Let me introduce myself: HI, my name is Jane Doe and I work with your hubby...He thought i would enjoy your blogging so he told me about Scandalicious Suburbia...AND I AM SO GLAD HE DID!!!!

(((((Insert: about four more lovely, positive, sweet sentences here))))

Again...I am pretty sure you are the coolest woman in Michigan!

Hope to chat with you,
Jane Doe

In the past week I have had a few committed commenters (thanks gals!) and others that have mentioned that they liked the blog. Of course, no lying, the positive feedback feels good. I feel the love, people. I do. But, I am well aware that there are many out there that won't agree with my view of the world. I may eventually get hate mail. Or my worst nightmare is that I hurt a loved one unintentionally with my stories. But people, you MUST KNOW THAT I AM WELL AWARE THAT: I am just a girl in the world. I can be serious, too. And quiet. And shy. I'm a mom of three that sometimes raises her voice. I swear, often in front of my kids. I complain about my job. I can get blue in the winter. I didn't talk to my mother-in-law for over a year. I don't always follow through on things. I have belly fat.

I want to tell you, Kevin, and Jane, and everyone that reads this blog.... I am just me, trying to live the fullest, happiest, funniest life possible. Being true to myself, and my desire to be real with you, has brought me pieces of that life. Big Lovely Pieces of a Full, Happy, Funny Life.

I am overly content with the fact that my husband is my fan, and he could have been the only one. It is humbling, and a bit hilarious, to have received the letter from Jane today. And to her I say, YOU are the coolest woman in Michigan! And while I think nervously about making them proud and continuing the fun, witty, scandalicious posts; I really want, more than anything, to be proud of myself.

So, I continue my blogging with much thanks to all of you for loving me.

I'm Spiritual But Not Religious & Nature is My Church!

How do you explain your spiritual beliefs to people that you know? I don't know the best way, so I am asking you. You see, HOW you choose to believe in God is your business, not mine. I know many people don't feel this way about how I believe in God. So I ask again, how do I explain in a concise matter the layers upon layers of beliefs that I have accumulated? Preferably, without starting a war or receiving pity in statements like "God can wait for you; I am worried about your soul; or I'll pray for you"?

I can't do it quickly, you see, and really let you know me. This post will be the first of many about spirituality. I am primarily a student of Life, God, Love. This is what I do and who I am. I need a one-liner. It must walk the line of being open to me and my intuition but just as open to you and yours.

With religion I felt that my intuition (or soul-consciousness) was being stifled to make way for man-made doctrine. As a child, I knew God innately and intimately. I saw Her when I looked out over my lake, in the trees that changed color in the fall, the small reptiles that were abundant out our front door. I felt Him support me when I swam underwater, felt alone or scared, or misunderstood. God was everywhere and loved everything and everyone, I always knew this (always is not an exaggeration :) ).

I also knew at a young age that my parents didn't care for organized religion, but I never knew WHY. Religion appealed to me because I wanted to know and talk more about God. I began to see and feel church in the every day living. When I needed God I went outside (prayer?). I saw how good my "unsaved" mom was to other people - the poor, the lame, those that could not do for themselves (service?). I felt warmness and love during holidays, when my mom entertained (which was often) and when she dropped everything for her friends in need (tradition? & fellowship?). The only thing I lacked was knowledge. I like books. I wanted to learn more about God. Who is this "man"? Who is Jesus?

I married a wonderful man raised in a church who wanted me to go with him on random Sundays in college and eventually weekly when we moved back home. I said yes to attending church. I supposed most people would be welcoming but by the time I was older I was quite aware and weary of the hypocrisy of many Christians. The closest I got to Atheism ever was a feminist rant and protest against the Maleness of God.

Attending Kevin's home church I began to know so many wonderful people. I learned to sing the songs by heart and eventually say most of the communion liturgy without looking. I also noticed my core beliefs changing about issues that I had previously been open minded about. For instance; I began to believe that a person HAS to accept Jesus to go to Heaven; living without money is more spiritual than living with money; and gay people should not get married but could still have a civil union (this is still pretty liberal, I understand, but it wasn't me - I could feel my mind closing).

Wonderfully, my mind opened in other areas it was closed. I learned about the group of people that refer to themselves as Christian. They are beautiful, fabulous people, really. They love you immediately - for being in church and being a part of their family. Guess what? I amazingly learned they are not the only hypocrites in the world! We all are or can be - and it was eye opening to see this from the "other side". They support you and take care of you when ups and downs in life happen. I am still friends with many from my church and I do feel loved by them, even now. Thanks to a member at our church, Kevin did not go jobless for long after his layoff.

Here is where I get a little skeptical, though. I don't attribute these wonderful people and relationships to CHURCH. No, the church was the building and the community that I met them in. I attribute our friendships and the love and support to God. Any religion, any denomination, any group of people can come together in common good and love their fellow human beings. God brought me to this specific church, these people, and their goodness and I am completely greatful for that. For me the details on what each denomination believes, how to say the liturgy, who can and can't go to Heaven are created by the Church, and that is the part that I can't subscribe to.

One time a very religious friend of mine was engaging me in a discussion about the sin of the gay person. I was weary to discuss it, as I am very aware that we all have our own beliefs and no one is usually ready to concede (wonder if that's why weapons get involved? LOL) She said something that struck me then as absolute truth - but she was using it in the anti-gay argument to support her claim that you are not born gay. She said "God does not make mistakes". Little did she know it totally supports my claim that being gay is not a mistake. So no matter what side of an issue you are on I know that God created each of us to be who we are in our fullest potential. If that takes you on a religious path, I am happy for you if you are happy. For me, I have come full circle. On occassion Kevin and I attend a Unity church. We moved from a house on a wonderful street because we found a house surrounded by nature in the city. Same schools, same distance to Meijer, but with nature out our back door.

I don't always know how to tell people about my "religion" and need a one-liner. Here are a few that meet my needs: My religion is love. It is being the best person I can be and seeing the best in others. It is setting boundaries for myself to give me a chance to thrive - such as saying "no" when it doesn't fit who-i-am. It is smiling to strangers. It is helping those that need help. It is hugging and loving my friends and family. It is providing a warm and loving home for my children and guests. It is giving people a second chance and sometimes a third. It is doing my very best. It is believing that Heaven is NOW not some crowning moment after I have lived in fear and hope that I am good enough. It is knowing that I am good enough. It is seeing myself in you and you in me. It is loving the beauty and magnificance of the earth. This is who we are. Isn't it Divine?

The funny thing, Katie, is that in spite of the euphoria one feels upon entering paradise, cloaked in miracles, surrounded by angels, love, and unimaginable beauty, it gradually becomes all they know, commonplace, ordinary, and then, shockingly... invisible.

Yep, I'm talking about life on earth.

Yippee Kai-Ye,
The Universe
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