Universe-ity. School for My Soul

I have learned a few things in my 38 years and 10 months about who I am and how that relates to the greater world. I don't profess to know a right path for everyone, but I do have some lessons learned that help guide me on my way. If you are an empath, or someone who is tuned in to energy, relationships and the greater mysteries of the universe, you may find these tidbits helpful. Mostly, I needed to write them down so I have a reference when I falter.

• We cross each other's paths to learn something. Sometimes our learning takes place in mere moments, other times we need decades. No relationship is unimportant to your humanity and growth. Honor them, the good ones and the hard ones. Let them go when they have served their purpose.
• The best things in life are the simple things. The first sip of coffee or tea on a Sunday morning, a goodnight kiss, holding hands, the friend that shows up when you need her, the sun that rises and sets despite your best efforts to stop time. Make mental notes of gratitude during these divine moments. For the love of joy, do!
• The universe continues on (expanding) because of energy. The energy of the sun and wind, the energy of love, the energy between people, and the energy in your cells, among others, is what moves us closer to bliss. Without this unseen life force, there would be nothing. Honor it by taking care of the energy you receive from another, and reciprocate with your own light energy as an offering of goodwill. Apologize and explain when you can't muster enough good energy to be a positive force in the world. That alone will contribute to the bank of good tidings. 
• Honesty is one of the most important virtues. Too many of us learned as young children to tell white lies so as to save ourselves or others from fear and pain. When the energy of your lies build over time though, you constantly live in fear and pain for not being honest. What you work hard to fight against, you create. Create truth. Create love.
• Do I want to be happy? Not really, no. Happiness, to me, is a fleeting emotion that insinuates falling in and out of a state of smiley contentment that often depends on getting one's way. I want to be joyful. I want peace. I want to know the joy that one feels in noticing the unexpected gifts and, like a child, feeling excited and grateful. Or the joy in hearing your favorite tune on the radio and at once commencing in loud singing, or dancing with abandon. Joy is a state of recognition - when we realize that life is full of amazing miracles in small (and large) packages. And when the joy that flows in waves through my heart and soul pulls back, I want the feeling of peace to be what remains. 
• Why do some people hurt people? Fear, insecurities, anger, triggers from old memories, wanting/needing/having to be right. Love on people that aren't interested in showing the world their woundedness, but instead share their vulnerabilities and grace.
• They say that the things that bug you about someone else are a mirror to your own issues. That you are just projecting. I see this a lot and I do agree that many people project their stuff on to others, but I also realize (now after a lot of time spent analyzing) that some people are just assholes and it has nothing to do with you. We empaths need to know this or we will spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing our shortcomings. Everyone has stuff to work on, sure, but don't let someone else's stuff become your stuff or you'll burst at the seams.
• It's okay to admit that you don't like someone. For as long as I can remember, I thought it was my gift and my purpose to find something to like about everyone. Some people have made that really hard. Others told me it was me and that I hadn't done enough for them. Some people didn't give two shits if I liked them or not. So, why did I spend so much of my life caring about people who didn't care about me when I could have been spending that energy caring for myself or the people that did? I'm almost 39 and for the first time I recently admitted there are people in this world that I don't like. Hello, my name is Katie and I am (still) a recovering people-pleaser.
• I've often wondered why some friends don't put a lot of effort into scheduling time together. They claim they like you. They say it's fun to hang out. They never call. I don't know if I have clarity quite yet, but I know that maybe it shouldn't matter. If you believe the relationship is a good one and it is mutual then spend time with that person when you can. If they are saying they like spending time with you, but their behaviors don't match their words don't spend extra energy worrying about it. For some reason they can't be honest with you, in which case maybe you don't want to be that close anyway.

Knowitalledness, Be Sabered!

I've been thinking a lot lately about the recent day that the phrase know-it-all was used in conjunction with "your tendencies" (your, meaning mine). It really bothered me at first, because I truly don't want to be thought of as anything but smart, lovely, kind, and wonderful. Not because I need someone else to give me a sense of personal worth, but because that is how I see myself (and oy, I know how that sounds). I recognize that I am not those things all of the time, but I also recognize that at my core I AM those things in abundance. The thing is,if I can see my smart, lovely, kind and wonderful self, it means I have eyes to see the world, and you, in the same way.

The most uneasy thing about being called a know-it-all is that I knew it had truth and yet I struggled with the negativity of it. It was a hard thing to own immediately because when you Google Know-it-All, you'll find this definition on Wikipedia: A know-it-all or know-all is a person who obnoxiously purports an expansive comprehension of a topic and/or situation when in reality, his/her comprehension is inaccurate or limited. The rub for me was "obnoxiously purports and his/her comprehension is inaccurate or limited." My comprehension is certainly limited when it comes to your life and what you need. That's a given. However, I don't speak about things which I have no comprehension. I ask about those things. I don't know if I come off as obnoxiously purporting things to be true that aren't. If I do, tell me. The truth is that I love to learn from others, from the internet, from books and from life experience. LOVE it. I will consume as much information as possible about a subject in order to have as many perspectives as possible. I will research something until I have exhausted much of the library and Google's relevant information. I will try books, products, ways of being, new activities, etc. to see what thing/way feels true to me. I don't research to know everything that is right for YOU, I research to help me understand my world. When you and I have a conversation, you may notice that I love to talk and connect dots with you - connection is another of my favorite things in the world.

So, it is true that I love to accumulate information. Not to be a know-it-all and impress you, but so that I can know what I like and how I want to live. Then, here's the rub on YOU, friend, I get super excited about what I have learned and what I know and I like to share my knowledge. I don't do it in hopes that you take my word for it and follow my path, look up to me, or think I'm amazing. I share with the hope that you will share, too. I really do respect your journey, and I really like you, damn it. I want you and I to be freakin' bad-ass Jedi's and cross our lightsabers. And I want you to tell me all about your lightsaber and why you love it and what amazing things you have done with it. I don't think my lightsaber is better than yours, it's just the tool that I use to deflect the darkness. I picked up the methods I use to wield my lightsaber in Jedi training, as well through certain natural instincts. I totally get that you have your Jedi training and your own natural instincts and I want to honor them. Have I lost you, Obi Wan? This is the heart of my rambling: You have your own way of living, loving and being. And I LOVE that about you, and I want to know how you manage to do all that you do and be all that you are because you are my hero. I am in awe of you.

The conclusion? I don't want to be on anyone's pedestal. I want to be someone you walk your path with (for as long as you will have me) sharing stories, likes and dislikes, and Jedi Master tricks. And, I want you to know that when I tell you about the latest thing I love or have found, or that my life is better for something or someone that I have come to know, I am not saying it with any sense of I-know-better or I-am-better. I'm not. It's not my way. It's that I love me. And because I love me, I love you. Because I love my life, I love your life. Because I am grateful for amazing finds, I am grateful for finding an amazing you. This may not make my knowitalledness any easier for you, but knowing what I know about me, it's made it easier for me to accept what I am. I am okay with my current level of Jedi training, my purple lightsaber and my path (including the shadows), and I am more than okay with yours.

With genuine love for thee,

Katie

**As a disclaimer: this post is a response to a comment a friend made after I argued (in love) with her about pasta. I know this person loves me for who I am and that helps me feel safe to dig deep. I have amazing friends that see all of me and love me with honesty and I am extremely grateful.

Spreading the Wealth - It's Good for You

Spreading the wealth. It's gotten such a bad rap this political season. Here is my personal take on it.

I am not wealthy or poor. I am middle class. Living paycheck to paycheck. Staying home with my kids (for the most part) because to put them in daycare would require a starting salary of $36,000 or more - which is a hard one to "walk in to". Our family is one lay-off away from the poor house. Kevin works his butt off so that does not happen. We have little debt - some but not much. We have an excellent credit score. This is who we are fiscally.

Who I am as a person is what makes me a "liberal". I believe in sharing. I share anything I can - my ablility and happiness to watch my friend's children when they need a break or the help. My food and home to entertain friends for dinner and build better relationships. Homemade goodies or little gifts for people I love. Dishes if someone is hosting an event or people recovering from medical issues. My time for school events and volunteer activities. These are things that I happily give away. If I had money, I would share even more.

I very much believe that this is what makes our country great. Not capitalism. Not materialism. Not who can have the most stuff. But who we are and how we treat each other.

On Halloween day I read a status on Facebook that said: in preparation for new tax plans we should take candy out of certain kid bags and give it to those who don't have as much. Spread the wealth around ya know.

I responded that as a parent that would be fine with me. My kids don't need gobs of candy to be satisfied. An amazing thing happened that night. My son decided, on his own, to share his candy. We had run out of candy and the door was closed - he was outside. He came into the house and said "Mom, I am sharing my candy with kids that don't have very much." He melted my heart (and the hearts of those in the room). He did this all on his own, unprompted. I know he has a big heart - this proved it. Yes, he earned that candy. Yes, he could have kept it all for himself. I understand that to "make" him give it out could have easily created the opposite effect. Foot stomping, tears, yelling, "i hate yous". If I had forced the sharing, it still is the right thing to do. It's just some people who don't share naturally have temper tantrums when they are asked to share.

I know a few very wealthy people that don't want to "spread the wealth". These same people don't like to pay full price for anything, they enjoy handouts from friends and family without reciprocating, & they look for deals everywhere. They have the means to pay full price and yet they avoid it at all costs. I call them "cheap" or "moochers". They want handouts and yet they don't want to give handouts to others. I just can't fathom being that selfish. I know the main difference between us - I want the best for humanity, not just for myself. In my experience, giving is better and more fulfilling than receiving.

My feelings and opinions on this topic have more to do with humanity than with Republican vs. Democrat. I have never been a political-minded person. I have always been a human-minded person. The negative spinning on Obama's "spreading the wealth" has riled me up a bit, though. I realized, on Halloween, that it comes down to whether or not sharing is natural for you. And if not, can you grow to see why it's essential to a peaceful experience of life?

I just read this in Marianne Williamson's book The Healing Of America:

Within the next ten years, America will have a renaissance or a catastrophe. Something is going to happen to take us back to who we are. If America were an individual seeking counseling, a good therapist might say: "Number one, you're not really sober. Number two, you're obsessed with material things and your spiritual life is begging for attention. Number three, you rarely take responsibility for your own problems and project a lot of blame onto other people. Number four, you've neglected your kids. Number five, the size of the elaborate security system around your house shows paranoid tendencies. Number six, you have a lot of amends to make. Number seven, your attraction to generals is neurotic."

Whether the patient takes the cue or not remains to be seen. But for a person or for a nation, everything will erupt in time if we do not attend to the inner life.

This book was written in 1997.

Single Parenting Might be For Me! .... for occasional pre-planned weekends

Sign me up for the Single for an Occasional Weekend Plan (SOW? like a mother pig or to tend for growth? perfect!)! Is there one? Maybe we can both sign up for the same weekend and really have a good time! Me, my kids, you (um, just the moms - sorry dads), your kids. What fun we would have.

Kevin went to a 3-D archery shoot this weekend (picture giant stuffed animals in the woods - aim & shoot). It has been raining all weekend. Not just drizzling, but raining. I am worried that we will lose something. Not sure what. A tree. Basement carpeting. A kid in the quick-mud. So, I have no husband, no outdoor space to play, & danger lurking out my door [added for dramatic effect]. You would think I would be curled up in a corner alternating sips of coffee with shots of Hot Damn. Eyes red and bloodshot. Voice hoarse from yelling. But, I am not.

I actually do quite well when Kevin goes away. It feels like I have one less person to manage. Oh, wait, I do. He really creates as much mess as the kids. He leaves his dishes and shoes for me to pick up. He practices archery instead of folding laundry. He comes home wondering if dinner is ready when it's not. Or comes home without an appetite when I have cooked. I said to him when he left, "wow, it's amazing. you can just walk out the door when it's time to leave. no notes about care of kids. no phone numbers in case of emergency. just goodbye. have fun. see you soon." He said "well, if this were my job i might leave you a note." I said "oh, did you leave notes at work?" He said "no". See it's just not the same.

I know when I start working I will add my paid job to all of the above. It won't be divvied up evenly. Even women who claim feminism get pulled into the strong ancestral feeling of "mom" and what that means. And dad's generally go through life with more freedom to come and go, or sit down and watch cartoons (bleh!), or play with their bow and arrows.... not that they see it that way. I know having a family to provide for has weighed heavily on Kevin. So, maybe it is fair that for one weekend he can just leave his responsibilities without fear or turning back and go shoot fake animals in the woods. Oh, and he called to say he won. I asked what he won. He said "nothing but the bragging rights of beating 6 other guys". That was enough for him. I wouldn't enter a contest and drive 5 hours to win if there wasn't a prize at the end. I'm just sayin'.

For me the contest was "can i survive a single parent weekend". And I am happy to say that this weekend I felt: more patient. more energy. more willingness to be the only one in charge. i happily entertained, cooked, and taxied children. i spent less time on the computer and more time with kids. i planned creative projects (in my head). i considered painting the boys room and would have except they can't agree on a color. It all seemed to flow well and I actually enjoyed my time with the kids.

So, while I can pretend that single parenting is easier and choose to blog about the disadvantages of being married to a man-child, I secretly yearn for his return and warm body in my bed (as opposed to the many fingers and toes in my back). I am well aware of the two sides to this fairy tale; the struggles that the princess has understanding her prince-charming but loving him all the same. I am sure my girlfriends and I will tell our stories again and again, and always come up with the same conclusion. "You don't marry the person you can live with. You marry the person you can't live without."

List of Things to Do Before I Die, aka The Bucket List

On June 13, 2008, before I started this blog, I made a Bucket List on my facebook page. Many of my friends have already read it and commented. I thought I would post it here for my blog followers and lurkers. I really don't put a lot of NEED into most things on my bucket list. I am a happy, fulfilled person with or without some of these goals being met. However, it's always good to have goals; so, given the time and opportunity (and in some cases with the proper motivation and dedication) I will attempt to meet these before I croak, die, kick the bucket....

1. Learn to play guitar.
2. Travel to Africa - possibly staying for a month or more.
3. Become friends with my children when they are adults.
4. Have a great relationship with my future daughter(s)-in-law.
5. Have a male friend that can advise me on fashion, relationships, and decorating without wanting to kiss me.
6. Bring moms together in a safe, supportive, and encouraging environment to share, learn and grow together.
7. Write a book. Don't care if it is published, not sure if it is fiction or non, I just have a lot to say.
8. Stop random thoughts from ruining my day - like the one I just had now "you'll never get any of this done".
9. Give an accurate intuitive reading for someone some day.
10. Enjoy cooking and cleaning enough to entertain as often as my mom.
11. Make sure that everyone I know knows how much I love them.
12. Learn to sing in my own voice (ignoring the thoughts that Ihave to be a soprano when in fact I am closer to an alto).
13. Find peace in every moment.
14. Get in awesome shape.
15. Adopt, become a foster parent, or a Big Sister.
16. Stand up for the underdog when presented with that oportunity. For people that are not treated with dignity or given the same consideration because of their race, age, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation.
17. Attend a Byron Katie School for The Work.
18. Get laser vision for my eyes - tired of contacts.
19. Have wild, passionate sex many times a week for many years - and just once - smoke a cigarette afterwards.
20. Take a road trip to the west coast while the kids are still young - but not too young.
21. Tour Canada - stop to visit Natasha. Canada is the only place I have ever seen the Northern Lights - would love a repeat.
21. a. I should add - learn more about Canada before I go.
22. Travel the world - too many places to list.
23. Own a horse again.
24. Start a Holistic Wellness Center - welcoming all people.
25. Shop locally and eat predominantly organic.
26. Open a boutique of some sort.
27. Practice Yoga regularly. Possibly getting teacher certification.
28. Become a snowbird. Or live in multiple places in a year.
29. Witness the birth of at least one of my grandchildren.
30. Grow my own fruits and vegetables.
31. Go on a week long horseback riding and camping excursion.
32. Have enough time in the day to call every person I promised to call and let them know I KNOW I am a slacker when it comes to the phone and that in fact it has nothing to do with them and I love them.
33. Stop analyzing life and just live it!!
34. Stop caring about what other people think - about me, or life, or religion, or politics.
35. Feel a daily, constant connection to LOVE (aka GOD).
36. Fall in love with my husband again and again.
37. See Kevin happy and doing something he loves - either with hobbies or work.
38. Win the lotto so I can do what I always wanted to do and pay off my friends mortgages and take care of my family (parents, brother, SIL, my own kids and husband).
39. Get creative again: draw, paint, design.
40. Start a not-for-profit that redecorates kids rooms so they have a personal space of their own that feels warm and nuturing.
41. Learn jewelry making and knitting.
42. Learn to play the piano.
43. Go to a luxurious spa with Kevin for a week of crazy relaxation and pampering.
44.Pull of a Pixie cut. Yeah Right a 5'11 pixie. (Update: Accomplished 7/08)
45. Have platinum blond hair - or some crazy hair color.
46. Get another tattoo.
47. Rock a bikini starting next year and for at least 10 more years.
48. Play in some adult sports league (volleyball, tennis, etc.)
49. Start an adventure club for women (outdoor or athletic adventures mostly).
50. Own a few GREAT pieces of art.
51. Own a cabin in the woods on a river.
52. Hire my house cleaner back and keep her forever.
53. Have friend teach me how to make Mozzarella cheese.
54. Make Kevin laugh again as hard as he did when I snapped myself in the face with a rubber fitness band (while dancing).
55. Stop biting my nails FOR GOOD!
56. Take the kids to Makinac Island and bike around the island.
57. Shop from Athleta or Title Nine without worries about cost.
58. Have fresh flowers in my house year round.
59. Rent a place in the Carolina's on the beach with a group of friends and their kids.
60. Travel to California with KARK x 2 - the beach house is calling us!
61. Take individual trips with each of my kids when they reach a certain age.
62. Finish my Reiki Master course.
63. Formally study Holistic Health - doesn't have to lead to a degree but it could.
64. Buy the most luxurious mattress, sheets, bedding and pillows so that when I fall asleep I feel like I am in Heaven.
65. Own pretty pajamas suitable for sitting on the porch while drinking my morning coffee.
66. Read Mists of Avalon again.
67. Own 6 season tickets to Michigan State University football games.
68. Never stop dancing.
69. Speak Spanish fluently.
70. Find the tree that my mom and dad carved their initials on when they met. The tree was in Jackson Hole, WY in a campground in the mountains.
71. Type my dad's travel journal he was keeping when he met my mom so there is a copy of it forever.
72. Take the fall color tour of New England that I have wanted to do for years.
73. Swim with the dolphins.
74. Swim across the lake I grew up on at least once a year until I can no longer swim.
75. Visit winery's around the world.
76. Have the audacity to skinny dip again.
77. Decorate like Martha Stewart for Halloween and then throw an elaborate Halloween party.
78. New Year's Eve in Times Square - just once.
79. Learn about my lost relatives and ancestors - and meet a few.
80. Volunteer or work in the Child Life department of a hospital.
81. Host a foreign exchange student.
82. Go to a chocolate factory and take a tour.
83. Watch wild chimpanzees.
84. Have a past life regression.
85. Send my parents on a dream vacation.
86. See a woman become President.
87. See an African American become President.
88. Swim in a pool of water at the bottom of a waterfall.
89. Learn to bartend.
90. Put my rubber fitness band dance on You Tube.
91. Go to an Ellen DeGeneres Show.
92. Learn to sew well enough to make adorable kids clothes and pajamas bottoms with a long inseam.
93. Be on a community board of directors.
94. Support parents just learning about their child's ADHD, anxiety or other neurological disorder.
95. Own a hybrid car.
96. Live the Way of the Tao.
97. Keep a fairly regular journal or blog. (Update: I think I am doing that! Woo-hoo!)
98. Take 4 year old to the tea cups at Disney - he has been asking to go for a few years.
99. Get close to whales in the wild.
100. See my niece cured of Diamond Blackfan Anemia, a rare blood disorder.
101. Die happy, fulfilled, and loved.

Come Write On My Bathroom Walls!

Once again, I need your help. I am starting a quote wall in my pink bathroom. This bathroom is attached to my kitchen that was painted when the water damage happened. The entire kitchen was light pink and glossy. Luckily, the damage changed that to mossy green. The bathroom was not painted because it had no wall damage. So, it is still faintly pink and glossy. I really have wanted to paint it, but since I am not getting to that project, I thought I would make a quote wall out of it.

My creative neighbors have a quote wall. It is their entire kitchen/dining room. The way I have heard it, they allow friends and family to add their favorite quotes on occassion. Like bathroom stall writing - without the vulgarities, BFF's, or TLA's. Quotes. Only. Good One's. That make you think. or Feel Good.

So, I am going to do the same in the pink bathroom. Fitting, I think. The bathroom. It's small, with four high walls. I started with the Hafiz quote I used the other day on my blog about the sun never saying to the earth "you owe me".

If you live near me and want to come write your quote in my bathroom, I'll let you. You must pass either the friendship/family test (as in, I know you) or a background check before I let you in my house. :)

If you don't live near me and want me to add your quote to my wall, submit it in the comments. I'll pick my favorites. If I pick your quote I will also use it as a blog title and come up with something smart to say about it. Or, I'll try, anyway.

I can't wait to hear your favorites!

Hot Damn Between My Legs & Various Other Stories from Wheatland

What a weekend! Wheatland never disappoints. You can guarantee you'll eat all the wrong (but yummy) foods, hear good music, drink good drinks, and watch your kids have fun. Here is a list of various funnies and warmies from the weekend. Enjoy!

• Kevin yelling "Amish!" every time we pass an Amish person on our drive out there. We pass a school and Amish children are playing on the playground (very sweet, really) and 9 year old says "Why are the Amish so short?" not realizing they were children (because they all dress like the adults).
• Cars line up to get in the gate. While waiting we are having a good ol' time. I crack a beer (we drove about 10 yards every 10 minutes) and sip my Hot Damn (cinnamon schnapps). KARK (m) says something about Hot Damn between my legs and we agree my blog title must be "hot damn between my legs". Thanks KARK(m)
• KARK x2's 4yr old daughter is singing to herself and when I lean in to listen to her she sings "I am singing a song... And my tunes all have love in them." This girl is so happy. She actually walks on her tippy toes or skips everywhere. Love her.
• KARK's 7 yr old daughter grabs my hand as I take her to the bathroom. Love her.
• My diet consisted of Greek Pizza, fried Potatoes and Gravy, walking tacos, an elephant ear, and beer/hot damn/coffee/gatorade. Talk about delicacies.
• Laughing with KARK(f) after we had a red bull and vodka. I'll try to remember why we were laughing and insert here:
• Listening to friend MK's son talk about a huge spider he had found: he said he didn't know if it was poisonous but if it bites him and he dies, it is.... (he LOVES bugs).
• Hearing the story of MK meeting her husband JK. He slapped her on the ass and said "do you want to make out?" She said no and declared him annoying. They are together over a decade later. So sweet.
• My 4yr old went into the porta-potty. I made sure he turned the green button to red by locking the door before I went in the next one. He came out first and wanted to know which one I was in. I banged on the side to show him and he said in his worried tone "MOM, you're not supposed to go in the red one's!!"
• Hearing Cheryl Wheeler. She's super funny and a good songwriter.
• The supposed 3-hour nap I took on Saturday. Thanks Kevin!
• KARK(f) reminding me that two years previous I was grumpy on the last day (Sundays are hard) and had told them before we left that "I am sorry I am moody. I haven't pooped in three days, I am tired, and I have dust boogers."
• I am happy to report, I was much less grumpy this time on the last day of Wheatland. I swear it was the walking tacos.
• My mom made awesome chicken salad, lent me her belt and put up with my eye rolling at her humming. (To tunes she had never heard - she was predicting the next note....but really, I'm sorry).
• My mom and dad impress me by coming to Wheatland even though they are "seniors", camping, and actually having a good time. They're so cool.
• I love Wheatland. It catapults me right into feeling fallish. It is good time spent with old and new friends. The kids love it, except for the "boring" music. I get a weekend outdoors.

Until next year, "Happy Wheatland!"

What We Could Do With A Love Like That

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth "you owe me".
Look what happens with a Love like that!

It lights the whole Sky. (Hafiz)

If I had to guess at why I was put on this earth - what difference I can make - I would say it has to be to love. I think we are all here to love, though. Is that a special skill? Something that can be made into a PrimeTime Heroes character? I mean do I really posess any loving talent greater than another? No, I don't think so. But I do think that loving is central to my existence. I want to learn how to do it well.

I already love so many people. I love the people put in my life without earthly choice: my parents, my children, my grandparents, my in-laws (via the earthly choice of my husband).

My earthly choices: Kevin and my friends.

The various people that I know well enough to show my love: co-workers, friends of friends, long ago friends, friends parents, teachers, people that I see frequently- some whose names I don't know (grocery store clerks), kids friends, kid friends parents.

Those that aren't the easiest to get along with because of who I am: George W. Bush, haters, negative people, manipulators, con artists, people with extremely different beliefs than me, darkworkers.

And the others - the one's that I find it hardest to love: criminals, child abusers, toxic people.

Those people least like me are hardest to know, right? I mean our differences make us resist getting to know one another. There are a lot more people in this world that are different than me than are the same. And yet, as I explained in my other post: Whatever, Same Difference, those differences are neither here nor there. I don't really care about them - when it comes down to humanity and love, I would prefer to hedge my bets on love winning in the end.

Do I want to make earthly choices about how to spend my time? Yes. I would rather spend my time with people that respect me and love me back.

Did I make an earthly choice on who to marry? Yes. I had to pick one person, people. And he had to pick me back. That's how marriage works (for me). Do I think that means I could never love another man again? No. I know I could - in much the same way. And I hope, should anything ever happen, that Kevin could love another woman in a similar way.

Love is our greatest expression of freedom. When we stop putting obstacles in the way of love and just love - we are truly free.

I wrote a question on facebook the other day. I asked my girlfriends to tell me if they tell their girlfriends that they love them, hug/kiss them, hold hands, or any physical contact (out of support or just because). I wasn't asking because I have an agenda. I just wanted to know. We give guys a hard time for their lack of emotions and ability to hug other guys. And yet, at most I hug my friends hello or goodbye. I sometimes tell girlfriends I love them. And I have kissed a few friends on the cheek when I felt they really needed the support. Yet, my daughter naturally holds hands with her best friend as they walk down the street. She and her friend giggle and hug and express their feelings about their "best friendship" with ease. And I sit wondering. When will that change? What rules will our girls learn that will suffocate their natural expression of love?

Is reading this making you squirm? Or question my sexual orientation? Honestly, it is making me squirm a little at thought of being questioned. And yet, I am learning to not care. I love to love. I love to be free in that way. There are so many rules I can't keep up with them - so I try not to. The love I feel for my fellow humans transcends those well known Greek/Christian classifications: Eros (sexual), Phileo (brotherly), Storge (parental), Xenia (hospitality). I feel something more like Agape: loving the soul of every individual.

If I could be a Hero would my special power (Love) make me extremely weak or superhumanly strong? Would I be so loving and trusting of others that one could come to me in a hug and stab me in the back? Or would my continued love for them at the moment of my death transcend death itself?

The children of Adam are limbs of each other
Having been created of one essence.
When the calamity of time afflicts one limb
The other limbs cannot remain at rest.
If you have no sympathy for the troubles of others
You are not worthy to be called by the name of "man". - Sa'di

She Talks To Angels

Have you ever heard voices? Or had visions? Do you communicate with God, Angels, or dead people? Do they communicate back?

When I was a kid I remember hearing voices in my head. I never told anyone about them. They seemed a little creepy - calling my name - seeking my attention. I figured the best that could come of it would be a trip to Dr. PsychO. I have always had intimate discussions with God. Mostly one way. I loved the book "Are you There God, It's Me Margaret?" just for the simple fact that another child was talking to God - often. When I talked to God, I didn't really list off my wishes, I left those for Santa. I really just had questions and wonders.

My teenage years consisted of just getting through. As did college. I pushed through college in 3 1/2 years. Not because I am a super-overachiever or because I am super smart. I just figured I better get it done with quick, before I quit. I like to quit. I might decide one day just to quit this blog - so be ready. I like to say "I like change" instead of "I quit". Anyways, I am rambling. So, I got through college and LIFE opened up to me. An inifinite amount of choices and opportunities to be ME.

Over the last five years I have taken a strong interest in personal development. I sought answers to the questions I had as a child. I became immersed in all things spiritual, mostly books and youtube videos by nationally known authors. You can find most of their works in the New Age section. A few New Age authors, with many bestsellers, have the privlege of residing in the Self Improvement section. I have read Wayne Dyer, Don Miguel Ruiz, Byron Katie, Doreen Virtue, Jane Roberts, Esther and Jerry Hicks (Abraham), Eckhart Tolle, Debbie Ford, Neale Donald Walsch, etc. As I rode out my life journey many other things began to happen to lead me in new directions.

I had a friend introduce me to Shamanic Journeying to drum music. During my first time I had a very strong vision about a friend's child that was going through some things. I shared the vision with my friend in hopes that it would help.

A good friend's deceased dad (whom I have never met) started "talking" to me during a meditation. When I silently expressed my disbelief that HE was really talking, he gave me a obscure piece of info to pass on. Later it was confirmed accurate by my friend's mom. I also had this feeling of her dad's personality from my meeting with him and shared it with her. She said it sounded accurate.

I regularly ask Angels and Spirit Guides to help me and guide me. I usually get pretty clear advice if I am open and willing to listen.

Last spring, while Googling something specific, I came across Steve Pavlina's website. Evidently, he is the Online Blog Guru for all things personal development. I was stunned that I had never heard of him before. I spend a lot of time on the internet researching personal development. Then I noticed he was promoting his wife's blog, Erin Pavlina. Erin writes about her experiences as an inutitive. I was in love with their togetherness. Two things I was passionate about under ONE roof. I can't imagine what it's like to be at their dinner table.

I booked an appointment with Erin and had a reading. I found her to be spot-on. She wasn't predicting my future, she was giving me guidance (from my guides) on where I could be heading. Everything she relayed to me I had heard from my own intuition, before my reading. However, my interpretations were a mumble-jumble mess of should's and should not's. She clearly stated the could's. Things I could do, if I chose to. She cleared my imaginary windshield so I could see where I was going.

Today I emailed her another thank you. I wish I could personally thank all of the people that been serendipitously placed in my life to help guide me back to myself.

Part of my feeling different has to do with my life-long quest to know God. To know the reality of life beyond this life. Do I think I have all of the answers? No. Do I have some ideas? Definitely. Do I want to know more? Sure. Everyone I come into contact with is placed in my life to be my teacher. I know this. Life is the classroom for the Soul.

Special thanks to some of my favorite teachers:
My great friend KARK (female version) who has taught me so much about being religious and spiritual!
My mom who taught me that it's not what you say but what you do that matters.
My husband who loves me unconditionally (almost - except for the short hair, tattoo and drag on a cigarette that I take once a year)
My MIL who taught me to be honest and set boundaries.
Countless friends who share different beliefs than me but have the courage to love me anyway!
My dad and my grandpa M. Two beautiful, kind men that made me feel captivating before I knew what captivating was.
My kids for teaching me that I still have a lot to learn!

The Style Of My Life

When I chose Scandalicious Suburbia it was with purpose. My thinking was this: I have a habit of hiding my ideas, beliefs, humor, and awesome dance moves from friends and family. When I let something "slip" it seems that I usually get a reaction. So I conformed - and still do - to fit in. This is something I have done for a lifetime, but have recently been working on changing. I won't always let my freak flag fly, though, because I am naturally shy and introverted. I need breaks, even from myself.

My great friend, KARK (male version), recently criticized my choice of "suburbia". He's just upset because he lives in the same neighborhood and thinks he's really progressive or something. Which he is. He also says what he thinks. Which I love him for. But I realized recently that I have many friends that live nearby and might feel the same. Though no one has asked for an explanation, I am offering one. As is my style, I suppose.

My concept of suburbia says that it does not matter where you dwell - the outskirts of the city limit, as I do, or the neighborhoods popping up in the fields of the rural areas. What makes suburbia suburbia is the lifestyle. The Style of Your Life.

I am middle class. My husband works and I stay home. I have 3 kids and 2 dogs. I drive a mini-van. My kids ride their bikes around the neighborhood. They can walk to school. Our neighbors are helpful and friendly - baking brownies when you move in and keeping an eye on your house when you are away. We have backyard BBQ's, block parties, Christmas parties, pig roasts, Welcome or Goodbye parties - basically any excuse to get together. We have a community swimming pool (not really - but a friend that shares) and a neighborhood garage sale. I sometimes covet what my neighbors have - like affording piano lessons and mini-vans with automatic doors. My kids have more than their fair share of bright colored plastic. Both my husband and I attend parent conferences and help kids with homework. I shop at Target, the mall, World Market (in other words I shop in the suburbs). I never use public transportation. I have walked to the store only a few times in the last 11 years.

I love the neighborhood that I live in. I call it Leave It To Beaver Land. I think it is a great place for kids to grow up and it fits my values well. I find that it draws people that have the same values as me. Older houses with character. Sidewalks. Diverse schools. Different faiths. Liberals. I am not knocking my piece of suburban heaven. I guess I am just calling it what I believe it to be. I'm not asking KARK to call it suburbia - if he did I wouldn't have another button to push.

Whatever, Same Difference!

Same Difference. Remember that saying? "Whatever, same difference". It is such a strange thing to say. The actual meaning is: the difference between the two things is not important.

Sometimes I think that we get so caught up in our little differences. They don't always seem so little - I know. But they are. What is life about? Why are we here? Those are the big things - the important things -that most of us would agree on, I think. The other things are our same differences. The little things. Our labels.

Christian or Buddhist? Same difference. It's how you treat others that matters. Kindness.

Breast or Bottle? Same difference. It's giving your child a nutritious start. Love.

Stay at Home or Work? Same difference. It's being the best parent that you can be. Balance.

Go Out or Stay In? Same difference. It's about giving yourself the experiences in life that you desire. Living.

City or Nature? Same difference. It's where you feel most alive that you gravitate. Pleasure.

Climb the Ladder or Go Out on a Limb? Same difference. It's about doing what you love. Both have risks. Success.

Best Friend or Social Butterfly? Same difference. It's about finding people that you enjoy spending time with. Laughter.

Point is we need not get caught up on the little things that make us different. Let's focus on what makes us the same. We all want the right to experience Kindness, Love, Balance, Life, Pleasure, Success, Laughter. The joys of life. I am not saying that my idealistic view means someday we should all agree on the details that make life joyful. I am saying that what makes life good for me does not necessarily make it good for another and that is Awesome! I can appreciate that we are all trying to find our way towards Joy.

Look at this list of some things that make my life good. Do we have similarities? How exciting! Do we have differences? How intriguing! Can we be friends?

Nature - yes even leeches, ticks and mucky sand. I LOVE it!
God - My energy Source.
My husband - Loves Me despite OUR same differences... can't ask for anything more.
My kids - Three. All breast fed until I couldn't handle being so attached.
My family
My friends
Being able to stay home with the kids (mostly)
Sending my kids to public schools with diversity - white kids, black kids, Hispanic kids, rich kids, poor kids, angry kids, happy kids, loud kids, quiet kids, good readers, poor readers... DIVERSITY! :)
Having my own diverse friends and acquaintances
All-day Kindergarten - Thank God! And I would Love Year Round School Too!
My dogs - one big, one little
Internet - one of my very best friends
Lipstick - makeup I never go without
Breaks from my kids - Yay!
Trips with friends - Magical!
Girls Night Out - Beyond Words! Keeps me Sane!
Drinks - Sit Back and Relax
Coffee - Wake Up and Get Going
Sugar - Addiction
Books - Fiction and Non. Vampires and God.
Movies - Sometimes to cry. Or Laugh. Or Feel Like a Superhero.
TV Shows
My Sense of Humor - I Love Laughing At Myself
Not Worrying
Watching My Kids Take Risks - be Adventurous. Climb. Fall. Get back up.
Organic Food When I Can - I feel healthier. My bank account get's lighter even if I don't.
Music - LOVE how it changes my mood. Sexy. Sad. Happy. Rockin'. Mellow.
Autumn - God's Gift
Choice - We all Deserve Choices.
Freedom
Money - It Makes Me Happy to Have Some
White Christmas
Thanksgiving - so I can say thanks for all of the above!
Passion - Reasons Are XXX.

If we are the same, I love you. If we differ, I love you. Same difference - I love you.