Feeling Ferguson

Yesterday a Missouri grand jury decided not to indict an officer for the killing of an unarmed black youth. Personally, I am tired of innocent people dying at the hands of the people that are supposed to protect and SERVE. I am left to conclude, after countless news stories, that the profession of police officer is attractive to narcissistic and power-hungry people with pent up anger and aggression. Generally. I know there are people that go into the field hoping to protect and serve ALL and generalizations and stereotypes are what got us into this mess, so let's drop them all together.

A white police man killed an unarmed black teenager. That is the problem and it's a real one. There is a lack of understanding on our part, as white people, about what it is like to be a black person. The anger and pain that the black community is feeling isn't just because of Michael Brown's death. It seems simplistic to say, but the looting, the burning, the overwhelming anger comes from the culmination of mistreatment of blacks at the hands of whites - violent deaths and traumatic shaming, among others. The pain of their ancestors is passed down through the generations, and added to it are the oppressive stories of people they know personally, and the fact that it doesn't seem to stop. They are a terrorized people, never knowing when life might turn on them. Will it be while walking through their own neighborhood, into a store, sitting in school?

I don't profess to be any kind of expert on race relations. What I do know a lot of, though, is love and humanity and how we feebly, often poorly, attempt to share a world with people that we don't completely understand. It is unfortunate that our shared humanity doesn't take precedent when we look at each other. We see differences before we see similarities, we judge right and wrong based on our culture, religious beliefs and upbringing - we forget our shared humanity. But rather than wrap the sad Ferguson outcome in a ton of philosophy, I'd like to share where my heart is today.

• I'm sad that a mother lost her son.
• I am tired of police brutality.
• And that too often the two go together.
• The cycle of violence needs to stop and all parties are ultimately responsible for the laws they break and crimes they perpetrate. If our system can't hold a person responsible for their crime, karma will. Something will.
• I can feel the grief of an entire group of people, not because I am immersed in it, but because I can imagine what the continued oppression would do to my kids and I if we lived it.
• Imagination doesn't compare to living it.
• What can I do? What can you do? What can we do?
• I don't want to read another race relation quote from MLK, Jr., Nelson Mandela or Maya Angelou on Facebook that isn't followed by a personal statement. Yes, they are posted by well-intended white people. Let's stop having hard conversations using quotes in place of words and lets speak our own minds. How does Ferguson make YOU feel?
• Facebook can make anything of importance seem one dimensional and artificial. 
• I think it's hard for white people to speak about black lives - we don't want to piss people off by saying the wrong thing. We really don't have a clue what to say, but until we admit we don't know (our regurgitated quotes can't save us from our ignorance), we won't learn and we can't grow.
• I'm not claiming that I know that Facebook is where the conversation stops for people posting quotes. Hopefully, we white people are sitting down in groups asking how we can create change - formulating a plan and putting it into action. Maybe we are sitting our children down and telling them the story of Trayvon and Michael and the countless others and how unfortunate it is to be black in this country. Maybe we ask them what they can do to create change.
• What can I do? For the love of all people, what can I do?
• I must find a way to meet anger with compassion, brutality with understanding (grasping at grace with this one), fear with love, and hate with courage.
• It will be hard for me to ever understand why Darren Wilson killed Michael Brown. I don't care to debate the so-called reasons, they will never convince me. How can a man shoot a child that posed no threat to said man's life? I don't know, but I do know that the breed of man that could do such a thing is deeply misguided - which is unfortunate for all of us. That said, I can have compassion for his upbringing/learned hate and fear, but in our society a person pays for their criminal misconduct in prison. He will not be and that is not okay.
• I can't expect our nation, with its undercurrent of fear, to make changes immediately when faced with the fallout of an obvious wrong action. I do expect that we will not let Michael Brown or Trayvon Martin's memories fade when cable news finds another top story. 
• Their deaths have led us to a potential pulse point in history - a very important place in time when we have an opportunity to learn, grow and change. We must raise our consciousness around race, violence and its effects in order to turn the tide. We have to admit that we all fail our human family when we turn the other way, judge a child, or allow violent and abusive behavior to continue. 
• We fail our children when we don't listen to them or believe them. The bullying, shaming and abuse perpetrated against our children in school, at home, out in the community - it happens and it is real. We need to stop these hate-driven crimes if we see them. *every child = our child
• Our personal history of pain gets in the way of everything we do and until we work on peace and love within, we will be incapable of sharing it. This sounds like a platitude, but it is the greatest and most profound spiritual teaching that I know of. Where you find anger, fear, insecurity you will find aggression, judgement and unhealthy competition, all of which lead back to Ferguson.
• I don't have the magic fix for the issues in Ferguson or Florida or Michigan. The best I can do is be love, see our oneness, act in the face of brutality and care for my community. I can also vote, write letters to politicians, organize a peaceful protest or vigil and use my voice.

As a nation, we have a lot of things backwards and there are many things I would like to change. I will say, though, my greatest wish would be to live in a country that truly embraces a life of freedom and justice for all. It is our unalienable right, right?

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Birth, Death and Living In Between

Yesterday was a day of life and a day of death. At 6:00 am I woke up to a message that my neighbor was in labor - the message was left at 4:00 am. I was supposed to be present for her home birth to offer support in the form of energy healing. I dressed quickly, ran over to their house, opened the door to find mama in the birthing pool in the middle of the living room and dad snuggling his new baby girl. A happy scene. I took some pictures of the newly expanded family and left them to nuzzle on their beautiful baby girl. Life.

I went to work where I received a text that my high school boyfriend's mother had just passed away. I was conflicted about whether or not to attend the funeral, send a card, do nothing, etc. My mind poured over all of the scenarios, giving me no clear answer on what to do. And then, Robin Williams. Dead of apparent suicide. Stunning. Sad. An amazing man. Yes, wonderful comedian. Yes, famous actor. Yes, recovering addict. For me, though, there was a perspective that was missing - a potential part of him that was not understood. There have been great tributes to the actor/comedian Robin, articles on mental illness, sharing of the suicide prevention hotline, Hollywood reactions to his death. I have read a lot of them. Not one article or tribute has contained the words that I want to hear. Need to hear.

Addictions or not, mental illness or not, famous or not - Life Is Hard. Especially for those of us that feel everything. We have our hearts on the pulse of life and the peace of death. The knowing, that some of us have, that we are here to learn lessons and live life as fully as possible until we are met again with the open arms of amazing grace and unconditional love, is both what keeps us going and what can also make death less terrifying than living. To be born into a world of feeling is to live with one's heart open to both unquantifiable love and immense pain. Life does not take it easy on us. It gives us challenges cloaked in relationships, feel-good chemicals, the duality of love and hate/good and bad, and religions to further confuse us about our salvation. Many of us crawl through life terrified of the future, angry at the past. Others choose to live big, embrace the adventure, ride the roller coaster. And some of us timidly take on challenges that excite us when we succeed, and anger us when we fail. Any way you live it, life leads to death. You can't avoid it.

I walk through this life in two worlds. I live in the physical world - a world with my family, friends, bills, violence, temptations, politics, beauty, kindnesses, art, poetry, helpers, healers, takers and givers. I also live in a spiritual world. A world beyond the five senses. A world of energy, unconditional love, spirit guides, angels, and a pureness of body, mind and spirit. This is a world that exists within and beyond the physical world. Our unlimited and expansive home -  a place where we are fully embraced and accepted for who we are. It is amazing grace and within the veil, a life of joy and peace.

I want to believe that maybe Robin knew this too. His crystal blue, sparkling eyes of depth and love seemed to indicate he did. Maybe he no longer felt or saw evidence of the spiritual world in the physical world, and he was pained for it. We are the ones left behind, and that is always hard. We try to understand it - but only have our own lenses (yes, me too) from which to do so. What do we do next to honor him? Yes, he should be revered for his uncanny abilities in comedic relief. Of course his life will be talked about and analyzed because he was a celebrity. No, do not let us forget those that struggle with mental illness and depression and know no other choice but ending the pain. Let's do what we can to understand and support them. In my heart, I feel Robin Williams made a choice yesterday and I believe he did it knowing where he was going.

Living with a sense of knowing what awaits me on the other side has been my blessing and my curse. When the pain of this life looms large and the promise of peace in the next life is all you have, your choice is easy. I wonder, why stay? I also understand that no matter where my soul resides, the physical or spiritual world, love surrounds me and all will be well. This promise keeps be grounded in the world of duality, ready to adventure through.

In between birth and death is life - and it's a mighty hill to climb. Beautiful, difficult, painful, full of beauty and love.

Love in the Clutches of Chaos and Terror

This is a note to myself. I needed an outlet after yesterday's pain and confusion.

Thinking of Boston. The only thing I could think to do was accept the invitation I saw on FB to send Reiki energy to the victims and their families, and then to all that have experienced a sense of fear and trauma from the event.

We will each have different reactions to trauma. I tend to recognize it, accept it and ask what I can do to change it. On a personal level, from this chair at my desk at work, in Michigan, how can I be of service? I want to be love. I want to be fearless. I want to model those qualities for my children as they grow up in this chaotic world. I know that when my mind turns to fear (and it has), the terrorists win. When I have thoughts of violence and retribution, I am thinking like a terrorist. Mostly, I can't help but feel overwhelmed because I am NOT surprised by these events. We live in a country that is at war, internally and externally. There is a worldwide pervasive need to be right and to prove others wrong.

There are bullies in our schools, bullies in politics, adults that bully, and there are bullies with weapons and bombs. There are bullies that claim to be on the side of "good", calling the wrong-doers "maggots" or "sociopaths". We can call the bullies dark and talk about how "light" we are, or call them bad and thank God for the good people. We claim an "us" and a "them" and the chaos continues. Darkness is not all or nothing, it exists in all of humanity, and in each one of us. We talk about bad people and bad things while we separate ourselves out from that kind of bad, as if badness can be ranked. If you make a bad choice, it's a bad choice no matter what society deems most punishable, or religion claims as most sinful. A bully on the playground is a terrorist to the child he/she is bullying. A parent yelling and spanking their child is a terrorist to that child. A spouse calling their partner names is terrorizing him/her. Terror exists in abundance on every level. I'm guilty of it. I get angry, confused and defensive.

While it was not MY legs that were blown off, or MY son that died, it was OUR legs and OUR son. To heal this world, we must acknowledge our oneness. We must face our anger, fears and hatred so we can be more compassionate with others. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent people that are experiencing trauma in Boston because of a person or group's choices, beliefs and need to defend them. I know what I can do to contribute to the healing. I must look at my feelings of separateness, anger and fear and ask - do I help create confusion in the world or eliminate it? I have to open my eyes, heart and mind to other ways of living and being in this world. I must love, and see equal, all of my sisters and brothers - the Republicans, the Democrats, the gays, the Westboro Baptist churchgoers, the rich, the poor, the helpers and the terrorists.

A week before Monday's bombings in Boston, American's dropped a bomb in Afghanistan that killed six children working in a field. There are many reasons that cause a person or nation to flex that mighty muscle of power. How do we stop it?

I don't know the global answer. I just know that I can choose to opt-out of vilifying others and look for opportunities to offer compassion, peace and love. Love is what heals.


"How to defeat terrorism? Don't be terrorized. Don't let fear rule your life. Even if you are scared.” - Salman Rushdie

I still kinda & sorta love life, a lot

I can't believe I am back to this blog. I originally birthed it as Scandalicious Suburbia. I got a kick out of being an unexpected goof ball. Maybe I come across as composed and with my shit together. I am not. Sometimes I am. Not really though. I don't know everything. I don't have it figured out. I do know life has a way of teaching me that you can never know what is next.

I don't like to tell my story because I know that it is just that - a story. It's my "this is why you should listen to me" plea. This is why I matter. Honestly, we all matter. You matter. Let's tell each other stories.

When we believe that we are unique and super-special, it's like we mentally hop a luxury yacht to the Island of No One Understands Me. Island life is unsettling - most everyone else is on the island of misfits or on their own private island of specialness. When we are over concerned with our own uniqueness, we send the message that any understanding, compassion, and love directed at us is misguided. If they haven't lived to tell the story you have lived to tell, how can they possibly understand? If we don't want to be alone, a victim of our story, we have to row-row-row ourselves to the island of misfits. It is there that we will find community among kindred souls.

How do we get to a place, as individuals, where we can both deal with our individualistic minds and expand our consciousness to include our desire for community and love? How do we rectify the two? Our egos want to us to believe we are Jesus reincarnate, but our souls know that we are all Jesus reincarnate. My story is your story. My antagonist is real to me, yet still an antagonist - a crucial character to every good story. My story has been told before and will be told again. My story, though the events are seemingly rare, mirrors at least one other story that I am aware of in my small city. How can I be so selfish as to worry about the stuff I go through when I know that people go through worse? Yet, how can I not worry about me when I have to help me survive? It's a conundrum that requires at least a year's worth of tissues, bad movies and sugar-laden treats to get through.

I was never one to lament. I am not a fan of it.I am a lover of life - as it is. And yet, I am sad to report I have spent the last year lamenting. I have grieved my choice to love and be open with people, I have said a big F-you to living in the moment (because it's really hard when the moment is shit covered in vomit), and I have just been a place where authenticity (caution: buzz word) seemed inconsequential and "playing it safe" seemed, well, safe.

But you know... if I really believed that I wouldn't be writing this. Playing it safe is not my cup of tea. If I live once (or live again with no memory of this), why do I care about being careful? I don't have a death wish. I have a life wish. I wish to live fully, in every moment. I wish to love. I wish to help. I wish to see beauty. I wish to breathe and dance and play and laugh.