The Mastery of Love - A Book Suggestion

Relationships are hard. Right? Or no? If you say no, you may very well be a spiritual master - & we need to talk. If you say "yes" you are like the millions of people in relationships that feel unloved, undesired, unappreciated, stressed out, lonely, unhappy, and frustrated. What if I tell you that there is a specific book that has all of the answers that you need to become that spiritual master of love, and said it in simple, 'holy crap! this is easy to understand' terms? Guess what? There is such a book.

I don't know why I haven't been more specific on this blog about the books that have transformed my life. I have quite a collection. Rather than spend my money on therapy I have spent it on books (probably enough money to buy a Master's level education in therapy - okay not really - but close.) The thing that I have received from books that I haven't found in a specific therapist is specifics. I love therapists, and believe that they have their place in healing, too. We have a wonderful therapist for our children and for family issues that need immediate resolving. There is nothing like having a live person to talk to when needing an immediate third-party objective view on something. BUT, I have always needed something that only books could provide - the words of the wise at my fingertips, available around the clock and affordable. In reading books I found answers from people that have both a spiritual and relational perspective. I also sought books for many reasons. One, because I wanted to know how to get along better with people, not the analyzation of why I am not. (I already do tons of analyzation on my own, anyway. I think I have out analyzed any therapist I have ever seen so nothing they say ever surprises me.) I wanted to stop blaming my childhood & the people around me and take personal responsibility. I needed to find a way to change my thoughts so that I could be more at peace and more understanding of who-I-am in the world. I also tend to talk a lot and therapy isn't financially conducive to long-winded answers.

So, I pick up books. I have always loved reading for it's relaxing & quiet support. And for reasons that are probably innate in me, I have always been drawn to the personal development books. As a teenager I bought Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus (from which I still use the useful metaphors). In college I bought books on depression, mother-daughter relationships, and being happy. (I'll give you one guess of how I felt then.) Now, I mostly buy books from spiritual/personal development authors. Most of the books I buy now can't be found in the regular personal development section - though some of the more popular authors do reside there. Now, you can find me in the New Age section just as often, if not more. That is the section where you will find this wonderful book I am rereading.

As I mentioned yesterday, there are things going on around me in the lives of others that have awakened a new sense of desire to know exactly how love works. I am speaking, in the cases I am aware of, specifically of Eros love, the kind of love we have for a spouse or a lover. Whether the desire to reread this book came before the awareness of the issues that surround me, or I went back to the book innately knowing I would need it, I don't know. I do know that this book is eye-opening and a must-read for anyone in any relationship of any kind. In other words, unless you are agoraphobic you probably have use for this book.

There are some people that have no interest in reading self-help books and I respect that. But if you are at all interested in having more love and peace in your relationships than you thought ever possible - READ THIS BOOK! If you have already read the book - reread it with me. I wish that I could have a "book club" event with all of my blog readers in person (because you know how fun book club can be), but I can't imagine the attendance would be very good. However, I can suggest this book and discuss it with you via email, phone or blog comments.

And the book? Have I built it up enough? Are you sitting at the edge of your seat in anticipation?

Here is an excerpt from Don Miguel Ruiz's The Mastery of Love:

In every relationship there are two halves of that relationship. One half is you, and the other half is your son, your daughter, your father, your mother, your friends, your partner. Of those halves, your are only responsible for your half; you are not responsible for the other half. It doesn't matter how close you think you are, or how strongly you think you love, there is no way you can be responsible for what is inside another person's head. You can never know what that person feels, what that person believes, all the assumptions she makes. You don't know anything about that person. That is the truth, but what do we do? We try to be responsible for the other half, and that is why relationships in hell are based on fear, drama and the war of control. - pg 66

And, If you take your happiness and put it in someone's hands, sooner or later, she is going to break it. If you give your happiness to someone else, she can always take it away. Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are responsible for your happiness. We can never make anyone responsible for our own happiness .... It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you are never going to be what that person wants you to be. -pg 53.

The Mastery of Love is filled on every page (there are 205 of them) with the formula that our relationships need to heal. And I'll give you a hint: self-love is a key ingredient. Buy it. Read it. Live it. (And then let me know how it's going.)

Footnote: Don Miguel Ruiz's books: The Four Agreements, The Voice of Knowledge and this one, The Mastery of Love, have all changed my life. I specifically found The Voice of Knowledge to be one of the most eye-opening books I have read in my lifetime.

Just Because My Mind is Open Doesn't Mean My Sex Life Is

It all started at book club. Crazy book club. Where suburban moms really let their guard down and talk about things. Like sex. And Bodily Functions. And Plastic Surgery. And Strip Clubs. And Celebrity Fantasies. Are you stunned? Intrigued?

Topic in June: Swingers. We were talking about the amazing multi-tasking, heroic, wife and mother that can find the time and energy have sex daily for years. A TV show about swingers came up. (And yes, we eventually discuss the book). Most of us had not seen the show. Moving on. Or so I thought. With eyes on me M said very seriously, "Katie, L (husband) and I thought you and Kevin were swingers when we first got to know you." Uh, WHAT? Laughter. Shocked looks. Laughter.

I begged and pleaded for an explanation as to what we had done that would give the swinger impression. M wasn't sure. She just "thought so". I was surprised but found it quite humorous. Out of all things I have considered (Brad Pitt in my bed is one) that was never on the list of things I would like to do before I die. I think most of the girls found it funny. No one else expressed their agreement that I give off a swinger vibe. Maybe they were just being shy, trying not to attract attention should I invite them over for a playdate....

I drove home that night asking another friend M (MK), "what makes a person seem like a swinger?" She said she thought couples that went to parties where they separated and mingled. And they were very friendly. Check. I go to parties. I don't have to stand next to or hang all over Kevin. I mingle. I talk to men and women. I even smile and show interest in what they have to say. Sometimes I even hug them goodbye - GASP!

July's book club came and we reminisced. Remember that time M thought Katie was a swinger?? Ha ha ha ha.... I laugh too. I do not take offense easily. Laughter at my expense is still laughter, which makes for a good night out with the girls. So we laughed about it again. Did I even think about clearing it up? No, I assumed it unnecessary. I shouldn't have assumed. A says, "Well, you never answered the question." Oh, I didn't know that I had to. So I did. No. I am not a swinger.

Three martinis later I arrive home. My wit and sarcasm were sharp. I was on fire. I jump on facebook to update my status to "Kevin and Katie are NOT swingers in case you were wondering. Stop asking.". I laughed at myself. No one, except my book club friends, would know what I was talking about. I waited. Suprisingly, my rhetoric drew only a few comments. Did everyone find this believable? Casually browsing other's status updates a day later, I noticed my name. A friend (unrelated to book club) used her status line to write "I don't believe for one second that Katie and Kevin K(full last name) are NOT swingers." Now all of her facebook friends were left wondering. Maybe they'll be calling... I was laughing the whole time. But I wasn't done wondering why I would be singled out as the swinging type.

So I turned to my friend N. In one of our email exchanges my status line came up. She mentioned that she could see how someone would think that. She went on to say she had never thought it but if she had learned about it she would not have been surprised. I knew she was the perfect person to ask why. She is always 100% honest with me and able to articulate her theories. Her answer? "I think you come off as very open. Not lewd or kinky. Just open."

Well, people THAT is why I wasn't offended. I am happy that I come off as open-minded. So now you know. If you are a swinger you are safe with me. I will not judge. I might study you so I can learn more about the personality characteristics of swingers. For now, though, my sex life is only to be shared (verbally) with book club.

No, I am sorry. We are not accepting new members at this time.