Thesis for my Masters of Science in Quitting

For over six months a very persistent but understanding voice has told me that it's time to move on. I have ignored it, I have attempted to reason with it, I have resented it and been angry at it. Who in their right fucking mind quits a job when they are the ONLY one earning a stable income and bringing in benefits? Who? That would be me.

My life in review has led me to this truth: I am a quitter. I quit things that I don't feel are right for me. As a kid, I quit piano (mean teacher), gymnastics (too tall), and soccer (probably saved myself from anorexia or bulimia). I quit friendships - every year in high school I had a new group of friends. I retreated from those that overlooked me, were uninterested in really knowing me, or those that were interested in friendships that brought status. When I quit my high school boyfriend, it was to begin dating a handsome, long-haired, art education major in college. I thought it would be a short fling - an exciting dance to the tune of Wild Thing. I am still dancing with him 19 years later. The summer after my freshman year in college I came home, got a job at Burger King and then quit said job after my first elbow-covered-in-french-fry-grease night. I immediately told my parents I would not be spending the summer living with them (I was 18) and I moved back to East Lansing where I lived for three and a half years, gladly paying my own way that summer. I almost quit college, but decided against it and instead finished in three and a half years. Immediately after graduating from MSU, I quit the state of Michigan and moved to Phoenix, Arizona with my boyfriend-turned-fiance in tow. No jobs, no friends, just a rented apartment. Eventually we found jobs and made friends. We solidified our togetherness there - 2000 miles from any expectations, traveling the red rock, desert land of the west. We had been in Arizona for nine months, were married in Michigan during that time, when I decided we should quit Arizona. I had quickly realized how much I loved and needed Michigan and my family. We bought a house in a lovely neighborhood and we each had jobs, when I decided we needed to have kids. I then quit my job to stay home with them. I have quit multiple part-time jobs as a mom - always looking for a schedule and variety that worked best both personally and for my family. And now, the biggest risk I have ever taken is quitting a job that provides medical benefits and a stable paycheck to once again be at home. Why? Because...

I haven't quit my childhood dream job - to be a great mom.
I haven't quit my kids.
I haven't quit my marriage.
I haven't quit faith.
I haven't quit adventure.
I haven't quit listening to my intuition.
I haven't quit trusting in my ability to land on my feet.
I haven't quit knowing who I am and what I am capable of.
I haven't quit my dreams.

I am not done quitting. I look forward to quitting. I will gladly quit:
fear.
caring about other people's opinions of me.
looking backward.
worry.
resentment.
materialism.
wondering if I am enough, if my life has been worth it.

Today, I am a happy and peaceful person because of the things I quit. I don't regret one thing I have quit. I have known when it's right to stay and when it's time to move on. All of my decisions have led me to a greater understanding of myself and of life. I am so grateful to have solid, loving, mutual friendships. My husband I have have worked really hard to nurture the love and passion in our marriage and despite difficulties and dark days we continue to move forward. We are both nurtured and frustrated by the growth that we ask of and create for each other. I have three beautiful children that love me and still admit it out loud. I have family that lives near, in this beautiful state that I love. I live in the town that I grew up in and happily have claimed again, through a new love affair, as "home". I am looking forward to building a business with my husband and a holistic health practice of my own. I don't feel like a quitter at all. I feel like a doer. Like an adventurer. I'm a life-liver-and-lover and I'm at peace with who I am.

“Quitting is not giving up, it's choosing to focus your attention on something more important. Quitting is not losing confidence, it's realizing that there are more valuable ways you can spend your time. Quitting is not making excuses, it's learning to be more productive, efficient and effective instead. Quitting is letting go of things (or people) that are sucking the life out of you so you can do more things that will bring you strength.” ― Osayi Osar-Emokpae, Impossible Is Stupid

List of Things to Do Before I Die, aka The Bucket List

On June 13, 2008, before I started this blog, I made a Bucket List on my facebook page. Many of my friends have already read it and commented. I thought I would post it here for my blog followers and lurkers. I really don't put a lot of NEED into most things on my bucket list. I am a happy, fulfilled person with or without some of these goals being met. However, it's always good to have goals; so, given the time and opportunity (and in some cases with the proper motivation and dedication) I will attempt to meet these before I croak, die, kick the bucket....

1. Learn to play guitar.
2. Travel to Africa - possibly staying for a month or more.
3. Become friends with my children when they are adults.
4. Have a great relationship with my future daughter(s)-in-law.
5. Have a male friend that can advise me on fashion, relationships, and decorating without wanting to kiss me.
6. Bring moms together in a safe, supportive, and encouraging environment to share, learn and grow together.
7. Write a book. Don't care if it is published, not sure if it is fiction or non, I just have a lot to say.
8. Stop random thoughts from ruining my day - like the one I just had now "you'll never get any of this done".
9. Give an accurate intuitive reading for someone some day.
10. Enjoy cooking and cleaning enough to entertain as often as my mom.
11. Make sure that everyone I know knows how much I love them.
12. Learn to sing in my own voice (ignoring the thoughts that Ihave to be a soprano when in fact I am closer to an alto).
13. Find peace in every moment.
14. Get in awesome shape.
15. Adopt, become a foster parent, or a Big Sister.
16. Stand up for the underdog when presented with that oportunity. For people that are not treated with dignity or given the same consideration because of their race, age, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation.
17. Attend a Byron Katie School for The Work.
18. Get laser vision for my eyes - tired of contacts.
19. Have wild, passionate sex many times a week for many years - and just once - smoke a cigarette afterwards.
20. Take a road trip to the west coast while the kids are still young - but not too young.
21. Tour Canada - stop to visit Natasha. Canada is the only place I have ever seen the Northern Lights - would love a repeat.
21. a. I should add - learn more about Canada before I go.
22. Travel the world - too many places to list.
23. Own a horse again.
24. Start a Holistic Wellness Center - welcoming all people.
25. Shop locally and eat predominantly organic.
26. Open a boutique of some sort.
27. Practice Yoga regularly. Possibly getting teacher certification.
28. Become a snowbird. Or live in multiple places in a year.
29. Witness the birth of at least one of my grandchildren.
30. Grow my own fruits and vegetables.
31. Go on a week long horseback riding and camping excursion.
32. Have enough time in the day to call every person I promised to call and let them know I KNOW I am a slacker when it comes to the phone and that in fact it has nothing to do with them and I love them.
33. Stop analyzing life and just live it!!
34. Stop caring about what other people think - about me, or life, or religion, or politics.
35. Feel a daily, constant connection to LOVE (aka GOD).
36. Fall in love with my husband again and again.
37. See Kevin happy and doing something he loves - either with hobbies or work.
38. Win the lotto so I can do what I always wanted to do and pay off my friends mortgages and take care of my family (parents, brother, SIL, my own kids and husband).
39. Get creative again: draw, paint, design.
40. Start a not-for-profit that redecorates kids rooms so they have a personal space of their own that feels warm and nuturing.
41. Learn jewelry making and knitting.
42. Learn to play the piano.
43. Go to a luxurious spa with Kevin for a week of crazy relaxation and pampering.
44.Pull of a Pixie cut. Yeah Right a 5'11 pixie. (Update: Accomplished 7/08)
45. Have platinum blond hair - or some crazy hair color.
46. Get another tattoo.
47. Rock a bikini starting next year and for at least 10 more years.
48. Play in some adult sports league (volleyball, tennis, etc.)
49. Start an adventure club for women (outdoor or athletic adventures mostly).
50. Own a few GREAT pieces of art.
51. Own a cabin in the woods on a river.
52. Hire my house cleaner back and keep her forever.
53. Have friend teach me how to make Mozzarella cheese.
54. Make Kevin laugh again as hard as he did when I snapped myself in the face with a rubber fitness band (while dancing).
55. Stop biting my nails FOR GOOD!
56. Take the kids to Makinac Island and bike around the island.
57. Shop from Athleta or Title Nine without worries about cost.
58. Have fresh flowers in my house year round.
59. Rent a place in the Carolina's on the beach with a group of friends and their kids.
60. Travel to California with KARK x 2 - the beach house is calling us!
61. Take individual trips with each of my kids when they reach a certain age.
62. Finish my Reiki Master course.
63. Formally study Holistic Health - doesn't have to lead to a degree but it could.
64. Buy the most luxurious mattress, sheets, bedding and pillows so that when I fall asleep I feel like I am in Heaven.
65. Own pretty pajamas suitable for sitting on the porch while drinking my morning coffee.
66. Read Mists of Avalon again.
67. Own 6 season tickets to Michigan State University football games.
68. Never stop dancing.
69. Speak Spanish fluently.
70. Find the tree that my mom and dad carved their initials on when they met. The tree was in Jackson Hole, WY in a campground in the mountains.
71. Type my dad's travel journal he was keeping when he met my mom so there is a copy of it forever.
72. Take the fall color tour of New England that I have wanted to do for years.
73. Swim with the dolphins.
74. Swim across the lake I grew up on at least once a year until I can no longer swim.
75. Visit winery's around the world.
76. Have the audacity to skinny dip again.
77. Decorate like Martha Stewart for Halloween and then throw an elaborate Halloween party.
78. New Year's Eve in Times Square - just once.
79. Learn about my lost relatives and ancestors - and meet a few.
80. Volunteer or work in the Child Life department of a hospital.
81. Host a foreign exchange student.
82. Go to a chocolate factory and take a tour.
83. Watch wild chimpanzees.
84. Have a past life regression.
85. Send my parents on a dream vacation.
86. See a woman become President.
87. See an African American become President.
88. Swim in a pool of water at the bottom of a waterfall.
89. Learn to bartend.
90. Put my rubber fitness band dance on You Tube.
91. Go to an Ellen DeGeneres Show.
92. Learn to sew well enough to make adorable kids clothes and pajamas bottoms with a long inseam.
93. Be on a community board of directors.
94. Support parents just learning about their child's ADHD, anxiety or other neurological disorder.
95. Own a hybrid car.
96. Live the Way of the Tao.
97. Keep a fairly regular journal or blog. (Update: I think I am doing that! Woo-hoo!)
98. Take 4 year old to the tea cups at Disney - he has been asking to go for a few years.
99. Get close to whales in the wild.
100. See my niece cured of Diamond Blackfan Anemia, a rare blood disorder.
101. Die happy, fulfilled, and loved.

She Talks To Angels

Have you ever heard voices? Or had visions? Do you communicate with God, Angels, or dead people? Do they communicate back?

When I was a kid I remember hearing voices in my head. I never told anyone about them. They seemed a little creepy - calling my name - seeking my attention. I figured the best that could come of it would be a trip to Dr. PsychO. I have always had intimate discussions with God. Mostly one way. I loved the book "Are you There God, It's Me Margaret?" just for the simple fact that another child was talking to God - often. When I talked to God, I didn't really list off my wishes, I left those for Santa. I really just had questions and wonders.

My teenage years consisted of just getting through. As did college. I pushed through college in 3 1/2 years. Not because I am a super-overachiever or because I am super smart. I just figured I better get it done with quick, before I quit. I like to quit. I might decide one day just to quit this blog - so be ready. I like to say "I like change" instead of "I quit". Anyways, I am rambling. So, I got through college and LIFE opened up to me. An inifinite amount of choices and opportunities to be ME.

Over the last five years I have taken a strong interest in personal development. I sought answers to the questions I had as a child. I became immersed in all things spiritual, mostly books and youtube videos by nationally known authors. You can find most of their works in the New Age section. A few New Age authors, with many bestsellers, have the privlege of residing in the Self Improvement section. I have read Wayne Dyer, Don Miguel Ruiz, Byron Katie, Doreen Virtue, Jane Roberts, Esther and Jerry Hicks (Abraham), Eckhart Tolle, Debbie Ford, Neale Donald Walsch, etc. As I rode out my life journey many other things began to happen to lead me in new directions.

I had a friend introduce me to Shamanic Journeying to drum music. During my first time I had a very strong vision about a friend's child that was going through some things. I shared the vision with my friend in hopes that it would help.

A good friend's deceased dad (whom I have never met) started "talking" to me during a meditation. When I silently expressed my disbelief that HE was really talking, he gave me a obscure piece of info to pass on. Later it was confirmed accurate by my friend's mom. I also had this feeling of her dad's personality from my meeting with him and shared it with her. She said it sounded accurate.

I regularly ask Angels and Spirit Guides to help me and guide me. I usually get pretty clear advice if I am open and willing to listen.

Last spring, while Googling something specific, I came across Steve Pavlina's website. Evidently, he is the Online Blog Guru for all things personal development. I was stunned that I had never heard of him before. I spend a lot of time on the internet researching personal development. Then I noticed he was promoting his wife's blog, Erin Pavlina. Erin writes about her experiences as an inutitive. I was in love with their togetherness. Two things I was passionate about under ONE roof. I can't imagine what it's like to be at their dinner table.

I booked an appointment with Erin and had a reading. I found her to be spot-on. She wasn't predicting my future, she was giving me guidance (from my guides) on where I could be heading. Everything she relayed to me I had heard from my own intuition, before my reading. However, my interpretations were a mumble-jumble mess of should's and should not's. She clearly stated the could's. Things I could do, if I chose to. She cleared my imaginary windshield so I could see where I was going.

Today I emailed her another thank you. I wish I could personally thank all of the people that been serendipitously placed in my life to help guide me back to myself.

Part of my feeling different has to do with my life-long quest to know God. To know the reality of life beyond this life. Do I think I have all of the answers? No. Do I have some ideas? Definitely. Do I want to know more? Sure. Everyone I come into contact with is placed in my life to be my teacher. I know this. Life is the classroom for the Soul.

Special thanks to some of my favorite teachers:
My great friend KARK (female version) who has taught me so much about being religious and spiritual!
My mom who taught me that it's not what you say but what you do that matters.
My husband who loves me unconditionally (almost - except for the short hair, tattoo and drag on a cigarette that I take once a year)
My MIL who taught me to be honest and set boundaries.
Countless friends who share different beliefs than me but have the courage to love me anyway!
My dad and my grandpa M. Two beautiful, kind men that made me feel captivating before I knew what captivating was.
My kids for teaching me that I still have a lot to learn!