Universe-ity. School for My Soul

I have learned a few things in my 38 years and 10 months about who I am and how that relates to the greater world. I don't profess to know a right path for everyone, but I do have some lessons learned that help guide me on my way. If you are an empath, or someone who is tuned in to energy, relationships and the greater mysteries of the universe, you may find these tidbits helpful. Mostly, I needed to write them down so I have a reference when I falter.

• We cross each other's paths to learn something. Sometimes our learning takes place in mere moments, other times we need decades. No relationship is unimportant to your humanity and growth. Honor them, the good ones and the hard ones. Let them go when they have served their purpose.
• The best things in life are the simple things. The first sip of coffee or tea on a Sunday morning, a goodnight kiss, holding hands, the friend that shows up when you need her, the sun that rises and sets despite your best efforts to stop time. Make mental notes of gratitude during these divine moments. For the love of joy, do!
• The universe continues on (expanding) because of energy. The energy of the sun and wind, the energy of love, the energy between people, and the energy in your cells, among others, is what moves us closer to bliss. Without this unseen life force, there would be nothing. Honor it by taking care of the energy you receive from another, and reciprocate with your own light energy as an offering of goodwill. Apologize and explain when you can't muster enough good energy to be a positive force in the world. That alone will contribute to the bank of good tidings. 
• Honesty is one of the most important virtues. Too many of us learned as young children to tell white lies so as to save ourselves or others from fear and pain. When the energy of your lies build over time though, you constantly live in fear and pain for not being honest. What you work hard to fight against, you create. Create truth. Create love.
• Do I want to be happy? Not really, no. Happiness, to me, is a fleeting emotion that insinuates falling in and out of a state of smiley contentment that often depends on getting one's way. I want to be joyful. I want peace. I want to know the joy that one feels in noticing the unexpected gifts and, like a child, feeling excited and grateful. Or the joy in hearing your favorite tune on the radio and at once commencing in loud singing, or dancing with abandon. Joy is a state of recognition - when we realize that life is full of amazing miracles in small (and large) packages. And when the joy that flows in waves through my heart and soul pulls back, I want the feeling of peace to be what remains. 
• Why do some people hurt people? Fear, insecurities, anger, triggers from old memories, wanting/needing/having to be right. Love on people that aren't interested in showing the world their woundedness, but instead share their vulnerabilities and grace.
• They say that the things that bug you about someone else are a mirror to your own issues. That you are just projecting. I see this a lot and I do agree that many people project their stuff on to others, but I also realize (now after a lot of time spent analyzing) that some people are just assholes and it has nothing to do with you. We empaths need to know this or we will spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing our shortcomings. Everyone has stuff to work on, sure, but don't let someone else's stuff become your stuff or you'll burst at the seams.
• It's okay to admit that you don't like someone. For as long as I can remember, I thought it was my gift and my purpose to find something to like about everyone. Some people have made that really hard. Others told me it was me and that I hadn't done enough for them. Some people didn't give two shits if I liked them or not. So, why did I spend so much of my life caring about people who didn't care about me when I could have been spending that energy caring for myself or the people that did? I'm almost 39 and for the first time I recently admitted there are people in this world that I don't like. Hello, my name is Katie and I am (still) a recovering people-pleaser.
• I've often wondered why some friends don't put a lot of effort into scheduling time together. They claim they like you. They say it's fun to hang out. They never call. I don't know if I have clarity quite yet, but I know that maybe it shouldn't matter. If you believe the relationship is a good one and it is mutual then spend time with that person when you can. If they are saying they like spending time with you, but their behaviors don't match their words don't spend extra energy worrying about it. For some reason they can't be honest with you, in which case maybe you don't want to be that close anyway.

It's All Fun & Games Until There is a Shard of Glass in Your Finger

Life is always fun and games. Giggling. Red balloons that follow you around town. Bluebirds that sing. Deer that allow you to pet them. Gobs of money growing on trees in your backyard. Plenty of perfectly grown food with no additives, chemicals or hormones. A being that loves you NO MATTER WHAT with more love than you can handle in one lifetime - (so guilt, fear and depression are gone). This is my life. This IS your life.

Today my daughter and friend were playing and giggling. It's a nice sound to have in the house. Until CRASH! BANG! something breaks. Then a shriek of terror. An actual glass shard is sticking straight up out of her finger. Mom to the rescue. I pluck it out. No blood. No real injury. BUT THE HORROR! of the perceived injury is enough to make her shout out loud. Giggles quickly turn to cries and life turns 180 degrees on it's axis.

Imagine the people in the plane that went down in the Hudson River. Most probably started the day excited to be going somewhere other than where they were. Or maybe some had already tried that and were now excited to go back from whence they came. Maybe a few were clutching the hands of their loved one's in trepidation - but they didn't really believe anything would happen - did they? Up they go into the air - higher than humans should even bother feeling comfortable - putting their trust in the big hunk of metal and the credentials of the pilot. What they didn't know was that their pilot had some serious credentials. They are blissfully, ignorantly, flying along and some geese choose this day to become Airborne Foie Gras. The day of excitement, or at worst - normalcy, turns into a day of terror and fear in ONE chance meeting. Goose to propeller. Simple as that.

I haven't thought too much about that plane ride. I have praised the pilot and thanked God for lives saved (even though He had little to do with it). I can't really imagine that moment where joy turns to terror. What do you think about? What do you do? I honestly hope that my mind would be thoughtless. And that I could revel in the moment - loving who happens to be in the plane with me, & loving those who don't. Thankful for the opportunity to know how sweet joy is - how amazing life is. Sometimes it takes a shard of glass, a stupid goose, an unrequited love, an illness, an argument, or a long gray winter to appreciate the abundance of light in which we all reside.

Working in the Real World

Today I start my job at the local public library. I love books and reading, so the library seemed like a great place for me to work . I usually work for businesses or organizations that I know I will either feel "at home" or enjoy the perks of a special discount. I used to work at Pier One. I loved spending my entire paycheck on the misfit home decor. The misfits were the things that we couldn't sell full price. But the hospital? I don't know why I feel comfortable there. I don't love illnesses or dying. But I am not afraid of them , either. And my memories of a hospital are only good one's - three babies came into my life there.

The library will be fun, though. I get to work with a diverse crowd in customer service. My fave! And I am going to do some program assistance. In other words, I will be a part of evening programs, keeping people happy and comfortable. Okay, basically the coffee girl. But I like that. I escape coffee girl at home and go get paid to be coffee girl.

Here is the hard thing about working 2 jobs (with a potential 3rd from home) and co-leading a Brownie troupe. I have to balance it with all of my "regular" mommy duties. Cleaning the house, kid care, etc. So, out came my planner. After months of simplicity I have to rely again on my planner. Though that means I could easily mess up and forget something (a pet peeve of mine), it also means I have a full life. I often thrive internally when I feel busy. Being busy also means, though, I don't know when I'll have time to write all of my thoughts down.

But, I have counted on Scandalicious Suburbia for the last few months as a tool to work my thoughts out. I think it has become a habit. You might just find a few more grammatical errors because I'll have less time to re-read and correct them.

Real world, here I come!

Blissful Parenting Schmarenting - Bleh!

Just a night after posting about my ability to parent blissfully, and only moments ago, I told Kevin:

Me: We are the worst parents in Kalamazoo. We are lazy. We'd love it if the kids made their own food, entertained themselves, and tucked themselves into bed by 9:00. The difference between you and I is that I KNOW this about us. You don't seem to realize how lazy you are. I do. And when I do I work to change it. And even when I don't want to work to change it I do, because the kids obviously CAN'T feed themselves, and would never tuck themselves into bed. So, start helping me out by realizing how crappy a job we would be doing if we COULD.

Kevin: (no comment. just stared at me)

So, the truth is I do believe all of that stuff I posted yesterday, and I really do my best to live it. BUT I don't do a "perfect job". And I certainly have not attained blissful wifery yet. I am working on that too. I am sure Kevin is NOT working on attaining blissful husbandry. He already seems to be accepting of all of my stuff. More than I am of his.

I think the biggest hurdle is that he works and I stay home. So, when does my time "on the job" end? Only when I schedule time outside the house. Which I do often. I have a pretty active social life because otherwise Kevin would work, hunt, or I'd watch him sit and watch cartoons with a basket of laundry next to him that remains unfolded. I have to get out of the house to have time for me - without Things To Do staring me in the face.

If you haven't concluded yet - this evening was not blissful. And again, all because of my expectations. BLEH! But I'll get over it and go back to being grateful - tomorrow.....

What I Have Learned About Parenting, So Far

Blissful parenting is possible. Guess what? It does not require burning incense or daily meditation! Being blissful also does not require a person to be without emotion & perfectly in control. Quite the opposite, actually. I believe, to master parenthood is to allow each moment to be it's own perfection. To allow all emotions that come with motherhood, even the feelings of it's never-ending, difficult and scary, to just be. No reaction. I can have the feelings but I don't need to attach to them by trying to control them. A blissful experience of motherhood requires letting go of control.

I know the feeling of never-ending parenting will soon be the feeling of it-went-by-too-fast. So, when I think the thought "motherhood has trapped me - I have no freedom!" and apply The Work to it, I know that it isn't true. I know this because it's just as true or truer that time goes so fast as parents, supported by how quickly my babies have grown. By giving more attention to the moment, rather than the past or the future, my fears and frustrations fade to little blips of nothingness.

I know that my worries, fears, and frustrations come from my expectations of my children and not their failures. Funny then that I expect children to do things that I do not always do. Are children expected to "know better" and "use their manners" as soon as an adult teaches them their version of right and wrong, and their usage of please and thank you? Do I always use my manners and do what is right - 100% of the time? No. I don't. It is amazing how many parents discipline children for things that they have taught them. I include myself in this, unfortunately.

So, for some time I have pondered what type of parent I want to be and how to grow into being HER. I believe my blissful parenting moments come from lowering my expectations, raising my awareness of my own self and others (as in, we are all doing the best we can in the given moment), allowing my children to be who they are, and striving to live in the moment. While I'm only able to do my best, I remain aware that motherhood is my greatest opportunity to teach what I live and live what I teach. So, I teach my kids that mistakes are okay. Being upset or grumpy is okay. Standing up for yourself is okay. Being polite is usually appropriate, but not always. Loving your family and friends is important - but so is communicating with them, even when it's not easy. Hugging is always appropriate to show care and concern.

The following list consists of ways that I attempt to achieve peace of mind while parenting:

• Dance with my kids - or get on the floor and play with them
• See them as unique little individuals as often as possible
• Realize that they won't react to situations in a "polite" or "correct" way most of the time
• Stop comparing them to other children; their siblings or their peers
• Give thanks to them and to God for them - daily
• Apologize to them when you have done or said something that may have hurt them
• Listen to them when they have something to say.
• Give them responsibilities and reward them - with praise in the least
• Let go of preconceived ideas on parenting - saying NEVER before you get to experience the options. Such as: my baby will NEVER use a pacifier. Uh-huh, then I realize that is the only thing that works to quiet the baby and allows me to sleep....
• Realize that vocalizing rules on parenting to others can come across as naive to current parents (they are waiting for you to find out how it isn't as easy as you think) or judgemental to people with different ideas
• Have an open and flexible mind (less expectations) because my kids will test it. Their job as children is to test life for themselves. The less flexible and open I am, the more I will feel tested and the harder parenting will be.
• The harder I work to protect my children from my fears the more possible it is for my fears to find life (that is: actually happen). For instance: a school age child that is always required to hold a hand crossing the street could easily be taught to cross without hand holding while learning the procedure for crossing safely. Children who depend on their parents to make most of their choices for them can find themselves lacking the skills to protect themselves. This rule that I have for myself is specifically about age-appropriate small-scale safety issues. Learning how to use the stove, cross the street, climb, ride a bike, stay home alone, drive, use birth control - these are the things I want my kids to grow into knowing. Safely. With lessons. From Me or Kevin.

I have found that any opportunity to allow my children their individuality and growth in an safe and age appropriate manner, lessens my anxiety and fears and does not exacerbate them. When I quiet my fears I feel more peace. With more peace, I am a more stable role model for my children and a happier woman in general.

Single Parenting Might be For Me! .... for occasional pre-planned weekends

Sign me up for the Single for an Occasional Weekend Plan (SOW? like a mother pig or to tend for growth? perfect!)! Is there one? Maybe we can both sign up for the same weekend and really have a good time! Me, my kids, you (um, just the moms - sorry dads), your kids. What fun we would have.

Kevin went to a 3-D archery shoot this weekend (picture giant stuffed animals in the woods - aim & shoot). It has been raining all weekend. Not just drizzling, but raining. I am worried that we will lose something. Not sure what. A tree. Basement carpeting. A kid in the quick-mud. So, I have no husband, no outdoor space to play, & danger lurking out my door [added for dramatic effect]. You would think I would be curled up in a corner alternating sips of coffee with shots of Hot Damn. Eyes red and bloodshot. Voice hoarse from yelling. But, I am not.

I actually do quite well when Kevin goes away. It feels like I have one less person to manage. Oh, wait, I do. He really creates as much mess as the kids. He leaves his dishes and shoes for me to pick up. He practices archery instead of folding laundry. He comes home wondering if dinner is ready when it's not. Or comes home without an appetite when I have cooked. I said to him when he left, "wow, it's amazing. you can just walk out the door when it's time to leave. no notes about care of kids. no phone numbers in case of emergency. just goodbye. have fun. see you soon." He said "well, if this were my job i might leave you a note." I said "oh, did you leave notes at work?" He said "no". See it's just not the same.

I know when I start working I will add my paid job to all of the above. It won't be divvied up evenly. Even women who claim feminism get pulled into the strong ancestral feeling of "mom" and what that means. And dad's generally go through life with more freedom to come and go, or sit down and watch cartoons (bleh!), or play with their bow and arrows.... not that they see it that way. I know having a family to provide for has weighed heavily on Kevin. So, maybe it is fair that for one weekend he can just leave his responsibilities without fear or turning back and go shoot fake animals in the woods. Oh, and he called to say he won. I asked what he won. He said "nothing but the bragging rights of beating 6 other guys". That was enough for him. I wouldn't enter a contest and drive 5 hours to win if there wasn't a prize at the end. I'm just sayin'.

For me the contest was "can i survive a single parent weekend". And I am happy to say that this weekend I felt: more patient. more energy. more willingness to be the only one in charge. i happily entertained, cooked, and taxied children. i spent less time on the computer and more time with kids. i planned creative projects (in my head). i considered painting the boys room and would have except they can't agree on a color. It all seemed to flow well and I actually enjoyed my time with the kids.

So, while I can pretend that single parenting is easier and choose to blog about the disadvantages of being married to a man-child, I secretly yearn for his return and warm body in my bed (as opposed to the many fingers and toes in my back). I am well aware of the two sides to this fairy tale; the struggles that the princess has understanding her prince-charming but loving him all the same. I am sure my girlfriends and I will tell our stories again and again, and always come up with the same conclusion. "You don't marry the person you can live with. You marry the person you can't live without."

List of Things to Do Before I Die, aka The Bucket List

On June 13, 2008, before I started this blog, I made a Bucket List on my facebook page. Many of my friends have already read it and commented. I thought I would post it here for my blog followers and lurkers. I really don't put a lot of NEED into most things on my bucket list. I am a happy, fulfilled person with or without some of these goals being met. However, it's always good to have goals; so, given the time and opportunity (and in some cases with the proper motivation and dedication) I will attempt to meet these before I croak, die, kick the bucket....

1. Learn to play guitar.
2. Travel to Africa - possibly staying for a month or more.
3. Become friends with my children when they are adults.
4. Have a great relationship with my future daughter(s)-in-law.
5. Have a male friend that can advise me on fashion, relationships, and decorating without wanting to kiss me.
6. Bring moms together in a safe, supportive, and encouraging environment to share, learn and grow together.
7. Write a book. Don't care if it is published, not sure if it is fiction or non, I just have a lot to say.
8. Stop random thoughts from ruining my day - like the one I just had now "you'll never get any of this done".
9. Give an accurate intuitive reading for someone some day.
10. Enjoy cooking and cleaning enough to entertain as often as my mom.
11. Make sure that everyone I know knows how much I love them.
12. Learn to sing in my own voice (ignoring the thoughts that Ihave to be a soprano when in fact I am closer to an alto).
13. Find peace in every moment.
14. Get in awesome shape.
15. Adopt, become a foster parent, or a Big Sister.
16. Stand up for the underdog when presented with that oportunity. For people that are not treated with dignity or given the same consideration because of their race, age, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation.
17. Attend a Byron Katie School for The Work.
18. Get laser vision for my eyes - tired of contacts.
19. Have wild, passionate sex many times a week for many years - and just once - smoke a cigarette afterwards.
20. Take a road trip to the west coast while the kids are still young - but not too young.
21. Tour Canada - stop to visit Natasha. Canada is the only place I have ever seen the Northern Lights - would love a repeat.
21. a. I should add - learn more about Canada before I go.
22. Travel the world - too many places to list.
23. Own a horse again.
24. Start a Holistic Wellness Center - welcoming all people.
25. Shop locally and eat predominantly organic.
26. Open a boutique of some sort.
27. Practice Yoga regularly. Possibly getting teacher certification.
28. Become a snowbird. Or live in multiple places in a year.
29. Witness the birth of at least one of my grandchildren.
30. Grow my own fruits and vegetables.
31. Go on a week long horseback riding and camping excursion.
32. Have enough time in the day to call every person I promised to call and let them know I KNOW I am a slacker when it comes to the phone and that in fact it has nothing to do with them and I love them.
33. Stop analyzing life and just live it!!
34. Stop caring about what other people think - about me, or life, or religion, or politics.
35. Feel a daily, constant connection to LOVE (aka GOD).
36. Fall in love with my husband again and again.
37. See Kevin happy and doing something he loves - either with hobbies or work.
38. Win the lotto so I can do what I always wanted to do and pay off my friends mortgages and take care of my family (parents, brother, SIL, my own kids and husband).
39. Get creative again: draw, paint, design.
40. Start a not-for-profit that redecorates kids rooms so they have a personal space of their own that feels warm and nuturing.
41. Learn jewelry making and knitting.
42. Learn to play the piano.
43. Go to a luxurious spa with Kevin for a week of crazy relaxation and pampering.
44.Pull of a Pixie cut. Yeah Right a 5'11 pixie. (Update: Accomplished 7/08)
45. Have platinum blond hair - or some crazy hair color.
46. Get another tattoo.
47. Rock a bikini starting next year and for at least 10 more years.
48. Play in some adult sports league (volleyball, tennis, etc.)
49. Start an adventure club for women (outdoor or athletic adventures mostly).
50. Own a few GREAT pieces of art.
51. Own a cabin in the woods on a river.
52. Hire my house cleaner back and keep her forever.
53. Have friend teach me how to make Mozzarella cheese.
54. Make Kevin laugh again as hard as he did when I snapped myself in the face with a rubber fitness band (while dancing).
55. Stop biting my nails FOR GOOD!
56. Take the kids to Makinac Island and bike around the island.
57. Shop from Athleta or Title Nine without worries about cost.
58. Have fresh flowers in my house year round.
59. Rent a place in the Carolina's on the beach with a group of friends and their kids.
60. Travel to California with KARK x 2 - the beach house is calling us!
61. Take individual trips with each of my kids when they reach a certain age.
62. Finish my Reiki Master course.
63. Formally study Holistic Health - doesn't have to lead to a degree but it could.
64. Buy the most luxurious mattress, sheets, bedding and pillows so that when I fall asleep I feel like I am in Heaven.
65. Own pretty pajamas suitable for sitting on the porch while drinking my morning coffee.
66. Read Mists of Avalon again.
67. Own 6 season tickets to Michigan State University football games.
68. Never stop dancing.
69. Speak Spanish fluently.
70. Find the tree that my mom and dad carved their initials on when they met. The tree was in Jackson Hole, WY in a campground in the mountains.
71. Type my dad's travel journal he was keeping when he met my mom so there is a copy of it forever.
72. Take the fall color tour of New England that I have wanted to do for years.
73. Swim with the dolphins.
74. Swim across the lake I grew up on at least once a year until I can no longer swim.
75. Visit winery's around the world.
76. Have the audacity to skinny dip again.
77. Decorate like Martha Stewart for Halloween and then throw an elaborate Halloween party.
78. New Year's Eve in Times Square - just once.
79. Learn about my lost relatives and ancestors - and meet a few.
80. Volunteer or work in the Child Life department of a hospital.
81. Host a foreign exchange student.
82. Go to a chocolate factory and take a tour.
83. Watch wild chimpanzees.
84. Have a past life regression.
85. Send my parents on a dream vacation.
86. See a woman become President.
87. See an African American become President.
88. Swim in a pool of water at the bottom of a waterfall.
89. Learn to bartend.
90. Put my rubber fitness band dance on You Tube.
91. Go to an Ellen DeGeneres Show.
92. Learn to sew well enough to make adorable kids clothes and pajamas bottoms with a long inseam.
93. Be on a community board of directors.
94. Support parents just learning about their child's ADHD, anxiety or other neurological disorder.
95. Own a hybrid car.
96. Live the Way of the Tao.
97. Keep a fairly regular journal or blog. (Update: I think I am doing that! Woo-hoo!)
98. Take 4 year old to the tea cups at Disney - he has been asking to go for a few years.
99. Get close to whales in the wild.
100. See my niece cured of Diamond Blackfan Anemia, a rare blood disorder.
101. Die happy, fulfilled, and loved.

Whatever, Same Difference!

Same Difference. Remember that saying? "Whatever, same difference". It is such a strange thing to say. The actual meaning is: the difference between the two things is not important.

Sometimes I think that we get so caught up in our little differences. They don't always seem so little - I know. But they are. What is life about? Why are we here? Those are the big things - the important things -that most of us would agree on, I think. The other things are our same differences. The little things. Our labels.

Christian or Buddhist? Same difference. It's how you treat others that matters. Kindness.

Breast or Bottle? Same difference. It's giving your child a nutritious start. Love.

Stay at Home or Work? Same difference. It's being the best parent that you can be. Balance.

Go Out or Stay In? Same difference. It's about giving yourself the experiences in life that you desire. Living.

City or Nature? Same difference. It's where you feel most alive that you gravitate. Pleasure.

Climb the Ladder or Go Out on a Limb? Same difference. It's about doing what you love. Both have risks. Success.

Best Friend or Social Butterfly? Same difference. It's about finding people that you enjoy spending time with. Laughter.

Point is we need not get caught up on the little things that make us different. Let's focus on what makes us the same. We all want the right to experience Kindness, Love, Balance, Life, Pleasure, Success, Laughter. The joys of life. I am not saying that my idealistic view means someday we should all agree on the details that make life joyful. I am saying that what makes life good for me does not necessarily make it good for another and that is Awesome! I can appreciate that we are all trying to find our way towards Joy.

Look at this list of some things that make my life good. Do we have similarities? How exciting! Do we have differences? How intriguing! Can we be friends?

Nature - yes even leeches, ticks and mucky sand. I LOVE it!
God - My energy Source.
My husband - Loves Me despite OUR same differences... can't ask for anything more.
My kids - Three. All breast fed until I couldn't handle being so attached.
My family
My friends
Being able to stay home with the kids (mostly)
Sending my kids to public schools with diversity - white kids, black kids, Hispanic kids, rich kids, poor kids, angry kids, happy kids, loud kids, quiet kids, good readers, poor readers... DIVERSITY! :)
Having my own diverse friends and acquaintances
All-day Kindergarten - Thank God! And I would Love Year Round School Too!
My dogs - one big, one little
Internet - one of my very best friends
Lipstick - makeup I never go without
Breaks from my kids - Yay!
Trips with friends - Magical!
Girls Night Out - Beyond Words! Keeps me Sane!
Drinks - Sit Back and Relax
Coffee - Wake Up and Get Going
Sugar - Addiction
Books - Fiction and Non. Vampires and God.
Movies - Sometimes to cry. Or Laugh. Or Feel Like a Superhero.
TV Shows
My Sense of Humor - I Love Laughing At Myself
Not Worrying
Watching My Kids Take Risks - be Adventurous. Climb. Fall. Get back up.
Organic Food When I Can - I feel healthier. My bank account get's lighter even if I don't.
Music - LOVE how it changes my mood. Sexy. Sad. Happy. Rockin'. Mellow.
Autumn - God's Gift
Choice - We all Deserve Choices.
Freedom
Money - It Makes Me Happy to Have Some
White Christmas
Thanksgiving - so I can say thanks for all of the above!
Passion - Reasons Are XXX.

If we are the same, I love you. If we differ, I love you. Same difference - I love you.

Reformed People Pleaser, Sorry!

I decided to start this blog because I am very conscious of my authenticity leading others to find me odd. There is no place like suburbia to make it easy for your uniqueness to stand out. The theme song for the show Weeds sings it out wonderfully...



For many years I stopped being who I was because it garnished such looks, or comments, like "You're wierd", "I don't get you", "She's a bitch". Maybe the last one had nothing to do with my strangeness and I need to own a bitchy side, too. But for the most part I have always been quiet, caring, interested in right more than wrong. I was never very rebellious.

I bonded early with my dad which led to an interesting, unharmonious relationship with my mom growing up. As a child, of course I didn't understand why she had such a hard time getting me. I know now it was not only my relationship with my dad but my very girly preferences (she was a tomboy), my quiet introverted tendencies (she was talkative and social), and my affection for quietly reading or daydreaming (she can't sit still). My relationship with my mom now is much better. Friendship works better for us than a parent-child relationship.

When I felt, as a girl, that who I was dissapointed people I became fearful of being who-I-am. My fears of being authentic were ingrained deep. People pleasing seemed easier than saying "No" or "Not me". Funny, peer pressure didn't work on me, though. I was not interested in doing what other people did just because. My sense of right and wrong, and my fear of my mother, outweighed what a bunch of immature kids thought was fun. I could see other people's insecurities from a young age and knew that most of their negative actions came from those insecurities. My people pleasing had more to do with adults and less to do with peers. Respecting adults seemed more important than respecting myself.

So, here I am, almost 33 years old, more ready to be myself with every person than I have ever been. I still have all of those traits from my girlhood, plus a lot more that I am just letting others see. This blog is my testament to being authentic. Yes, my authenticity has caused others to glare, laugh, stare, cry, thank me, curse me.... but I don't care. I have learned it is much easier to be myself than to work so hard and expend so much energy to please others. Sometimes it can even feel a bit scandalicious.

"It is not your role to make others happy; it is your role to keep yourself in balance. When you pay attention to how you feel and practice self-empowering thoughts that align with who-you-really-are, you will offer an example of thriving that will be of tremendous value to those who have the benefit of observing you." - Abraham- through Esther Hicks