Feminism vs. Stop Taking Life So Seriously

I truly believe that Zen (or Peace) is achieved internally. You choose to be in a state of Zen or you don't. We are overloaded with rules on how to interact with people so as not to offend. Or, we react negatively to others because we are told that we are supposed to be offended. Have you ever paused (after you've reacted) to wonder why you reacted so strongly? What if how peaceful you feel is influenced by how you react to life's crazy little moments, and not because the crazy little moments exist?

A few years ago, I went to the mall to pick out a new wedding band (mine had vanished). I was in a good mood. I was by myself, picking out expensive jewelry. REALLY good mood. 3 hours later, despite my inablility to make a decision, I maintained my good attitude. The people working with me were very patient. I joked, I laughed, I almost cried (when it hit me what I had lost: grandma's diamonds). But I had fun.

I was leaving the mall when I came to an escalator that wasn't working. In the middle of the escalator were two teenage boys playing around and looking over the side. I started a little "escalator jog" up the middle, between them. I was wearing jogging pants, so I thought I would put them to use.

When I got to them I said "Did you guys stop this thing?" with a smile on my face. One of them answered "Naw" and the other looked at me and made a Pffffff sound and said "What's yo name?" to which I answered "Oh, I am too old for you" as I jogged up past them. I thought it was over. The banter. But No, he replies "But yo ass ain't".....

Mind starts racing... Huh?..... I should turn around and say something about respecting the ladies. Wait, am I really offended?....Nope, I guess not enough - just keep going.... Still in a good mood.

I called Kevin to apologize for being so late and I told him the story. When I got to the "punch line" I started to crack up. I have laughed every time I have told this story. What is so funny? The comments were unexpected, but mostly that my 30 year old booty appealed to a random high school boy! HA! Wow! When someone compliments me, even in an offhand way, it's my choice to accept it and say thank you, or not and get offended.

I recently had a freind (woman) say "At the risk of sounding queer, I want to tell you how pretty I think you are". I accepted her compliment. Later, I wondered why can't we compliment people without starting a sentence "at the risk of sounding queer, sexist, ageist, etc"? And why can't we also accept a compliment without explaining it away to them or to ourselves? It's hard to do. I wanted to tell her "Oh, no you are so silly", but instead I just said "thanks". It wasn't a game. It was a genuine compliment and a peaceful acceptance.

I know that the peace I feel or don't feel is my decision. I am at peace with some cellulite and an aging body. BUT especially when it is complimented. So the feminist in me, who would have turned around and taught the boys a lesson, was not in that evening. I was happy, peaceful and light hearted and so I shut down the "reactor" in my head and kept walking. That boy certainly didn't earn my respect, and that was HIS choice. My choice was to move on. My choice was to smile and take the compliment, however offhanded it was.

There is a great song from my youth that I am proud to say still applied to ME that night:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up front
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring--Sir Mix-a-Lot

Whatever, Same Difference!

Same Difference. Remember that saying? "Whatever, same difference". It is such a strange thing to say. The actual meaning is: the difference between the two things is not important.

Sometimes I think that we get so caught up in our little differences. They don't always seem so little - I know. But they are. What is life about? Why are we here? Those are the big things - the important things -that most of us would agree on, I think. The other things are our same differences. The little things. Our labels.

Christian or Buddhist? Same difference. It's how you treat others that matters. Kindness.

Breast or Bottle? Same difference. It's giving your child a nutritious start. Love.

Stay at Home or Work? Same difference. It's being the best parent that you can be. Balance.

Go Out or Stay In? Same difference. It's about giving yourself the experiences in life that you desire. Living.

City or Nature? Same difference. It's where you feel most alive that you gravitate. Pleasure.

Climb the Ladder or Go Out on a Limb? Same difference. It's about doing what you love. Both have risks. Success.

Best Friend or Social Butterfly? Same difference. It's about finding people that you enjoy spending time with. Laughter.

Point is we need not get caught up on the little things that make us different. Let's focus on what makes us the same. We all want the right to experience Kindness, Love, Balance, Life, Pleasure, Success, Laughter. The joys of life. I am not saying that my idealistic view means someday we should all agree on the details that make life joyful. I am saying that what makes life good for me does not necessarily make it good for another and that is Awesome! I can appreciate that we are all trying to find our way towards Joy.

Look at this list of some things that make my life good. Do we have similarities? How exciting! Do we have differences? How intriguing! Can we be friends?

Nature - yes even leeches, ticks and mucky sand. I LOVE it!
God - My energy Source.
My husband - Loves Me despite OUR same differences... can't ask for anything more.
My kids - Three. All breast fed until I couldn't handle being so attached.
My family
My friends
Being able to stay home with the kids (mostly)
Sending my kids to public schools with diversity - white kids, black kids, Hispanic kids, rich kids, poor kids, angry kids, happy kids, loud kids, quiet kids, good readers, poor readers... DIVERSITY! :)
Having my own diverse friends and acquaintances
All-day Kindergarten - Thank God! And I would Love Year Round School Too!
My dogs - one big, one little
Internet - one of my very best friends
Lipstick - makeup I never go without
Breaks from my kids - Yay!
Trips with friends - Magical!
Girls Night Out - Beyond Words! Keeps me Sane!
Drinks - Sit Back and Relax
Coffee - Wake Up and Get Going
Sugar - Addiction
Books - Fiction and Non. Vampires and God.
Movies - Sometimes to cry. Or Laugh. Or Feel Like a Superhero.
TV Shows
My Sense of Humor - I Love Laughing At Myself
Not Worrying
Watching My Kids Take Risks - be Adventurous. Climb. Fall. Get back up.
Organic Food When I Can - I feel healthier. My bank account get's lighter even if I don't.
Music - LOVE how it changes my mood. Sexy. Sad. Happy. Rockin'. Mellow.
Autumn - God's Gift
Choice - We all Deserve Choices.
Freedom
Money - It Makes Me Happy to Have Some
White Christmas
Thanksgiving - so I can say thanks for all of the above!
Passion - Reasons Are XXX.

If we are the same, I love you. If we differ, I love you. Same difference - I love you.

Just Because My Mind is Open Doesn't Mean My Sex Life Is

It all started at book club. Crazy book club. Where suburban moms really let their guard down and talk about things. Like sex. And Bodily Functions. And Plastic Surgery. And Strip Clubs. And Celebrity Fantasies. Are you stunned? Intrigued?

Topic in June: Swingers. We were talking about the amazing multi-tasking, heroic, wife and mother that can find the time and energy have sex daily for years. A TV show about swingers came up. (And yes, we eventually discuss the book). Most of us had not seen the show. Moving on. Or so I thought. With eyes on me M said very seriously, "Katie, L (husband) and I thought you and Kevin were swingers when we first got to know you." Uh, WHAT? Laughter. Shocked looks. Laughter.

I begged and pleaded for an explanation as to what we had done that would give the swinger impression. M wasn't sure. She just "thought so". I was surprised but found it quite humorous. Out of all things I have considered (Brad Pitt in my bed is one) that was never on the list of things I would like to do before I die. I think most of the girls found it funny. No one else expressed their agreement that I give off a swinger vibe. Maybe they were just being shy, trying not to attract attention should I invite them over for a playdate....

I drove home that night asking another friend M (MK), "what makes a person seem like a swinger?" She said she thought couples that went to parties where they separated and mingled. And they were very friendly. Check. I go to parties. I don't have to stand next to or hang all over Kevin. I mingle. I talk to men and women. I even smile and show interest in what they have to say. Sometimes I even hug them goodbye - GASP!

July's book club came and we reminisced. Remember that time M thought Katie was a swinger?? Ha ha ha ha.... I laugh too. I do not take offense easily. Laughter at my expense is still laughter, which makes for a good night out with the girls. So we laughed about it again. Did I even think about clearing it up? No, I assumed it unnecessary. I shouldn't have assumed. A says, "Well, you never answered the question." Oh, I didn't know that I had to. So I did. No. I am not a swinger.

Three martinis later I arrive home. My wit and sarcasm were sharp. I was on fire. I jump on facebook to update my status to "Kevin and Katie are NOT swingers in case you were wondering. Stop asking.". I laughed at myself. No one, except my book club friends, would know what I was talking about. I waited. Suprisingly, my rhetoric drew only a few comments. Did everyone find this believable? Casually browsing other's status updates a day later, I noticed my name. A friend (unrelated to book club) used her status line to write "I don't believe for one second that Katie and Kevin K(full last name) are NOT swingers." Now all of her facebook friends were left wondering. Maybe they'll be calling... I was laughing the whole time. But I wasn't done wondering why I would be singled out as the swinging type.

So I turned to my friend N. In one of our email exchanges my status line came up. She mentioned that she could see how someone would think that. She went on to say she had never thought it but if she had learned about it she would not have been surprised. I knew she was the perfect person to ask why. She is always 100% honest with me and able to articulate her theories. Her answer? "I think you come off as very open. Not lewd or kinky. Just open."

Well, people THAT is why I wasn't offended. I am happy that I come off as open-minded. So now you know. If you are a swinger you are safe with me. I will not judge. I might study you so I can learn more about the personality characteristics of swingers. For now, though, my sex life is only to be shared (verbally) with book club.

No, I am sorry. We are not accepting new members at this time.