Knowitalledness, Be Sabered!

I've been thinking a lot lately about the recent day that the phrase know-it-all was used in conjunction with "your tendencies" (your, meaning mine). It really bothered me at first, because I truly don't want to be thought of as anything but smart, lovely, kind, and wonderful. Not because I need someone else to give me a sense of personal worth, but because that is how I see myself (and oy, I know how that sounds). I recognize that I am not those things all of the time, but I also recognize that at my core I AM those things in abundance. The thing is,if I can see my smart, lovely, kind and wonderful self, it means I have eyes to see the world, and you, in the same way.

The most uneasy thing about being called a know-it-all is that I knew it had truth and yet I struggled with the negativity of it. It was a hard thing to own immediately because when you Google Know-it-All, you'll find this definition on Wikipedia: A know-it-all or know-all is a person who obnoxiously purports an expansive comprehension of a topic and/or situation when in reality, his/her comprehension is inaccurate or limited. The rub for me was "obnoxiously purports and his/her comprehension is inaccurate or limited." My comprehension is certainly limited when it comes to your life and what you need. That's a given. However, I don't speak about things which I have no comprehension. I ask about those things. I don't know if I come off as obnoxiously purporting things to be true that aren't. If I do, tell me. The truth is that I love to learn from others, from the internet, from books and from life experience. LOVE it. I will consume as much information as possible about a subject in order to have as many perspectives as possible. I will research something until I have exhausted much of the library and Google's relevant information. I will try books, products, ways of being, new activities, etc. to see what thing/way feels true to me. I don't research to know everything that is right for YOU, I research to help me understand my world. When you and I have a conversation, you may notice that I love to talk and connect dots with you - connection is another of my favorite things in the world.

So, it is true that I love to accumulate information. Not to be a know-it-all and impress you, but so that I can know what I like and how I want to live. Then, here's the rub on YOU, friend, I get super excited about what I have learned and what I know and I like to share my knowledge. I don't do it in hopes that you take my word for it and follow my path, look up to me, or think I'm amazing. I share with the hope that you will share, too. I really do respect your journey, and I really like you, damn it. I want you and I to be freakin' bad-ass Jedi's and cross our lightsabers. And I want you to tell me all about your lightsaber and why you love it and what amazing things you have done with it. I don't think my lightsaber is better than yours, it's just the tool that I use to deflect the darkness. I picked up the methods I use to wield my lightsaber in Jedi training, as well through certain natural instincts. I totally get that you have your Jedi training and your own natural instincts and I want to honor them. Have I lost you, Obi Wan? This is the heart of my rambling: You have your own way of living, loving and being. And I LOVE that about you, and I want to know how you manage to do all that you do and be all that you are because you are my hero. I am in awe of you.

The conclusion? I don't want to be on anyone's pedestal. I want to be someone you walk your path with (for as long as you will have me) sharing stories, likes and dislikes, and Jedi Master tricks. And, I want you to know that when I tell you about the latest thing I love or have found, or that my life is better for something or someone that I have come to know, I am not saying it with any sense of I-know-better or I-am-better. I'm not. It's not my way. It's that I love me. And because I love me, I love you. Because I love my life, I love your life. Because I am grateful for amazing finds, I am grateful for finding an amazing you. This may not make my knowitalledness any easier for you, but knowing what I know about me, it's made it easier for me to accept what I am. I am okay with my current level of Jedi training, my purple lightsaber and my path (including the shadows), and I am more than okay with yours.

With genuine love for thee,

Katie

**As a disclaimer: this post is a response to a comment a friend made after I argued (in love) with her about pasta. I know this person loves me for who I am and that helps me feel safe to dig deep. I have amazing friends that see all of me and love me with honesty and I am extremely grateful.

The Mastery of Love - A Book Suggestion

Relationships are hard. Right? Or no? If you say no, you may very well be a spiritual master - & we need to talk. If you say "yes" you are like the millions of people in relationships that feel unloved, undesired, unappreciated, stressed out, lonely, unhappy, and frustrated. What if I tell you that there is a specific book that has all of the answers that you need to become that spiritual master of love, and said it in simple, 'holy crap! this is easy to understand' terms? Guess what? There is such a book.

I don't know why I haven't been more specific on this blog about the books that have transformed my life. I have quite a collection. Rather than spend my money on therapy I have spent it on books (probably enough money to buy a Master's level education in therapy - okay not really - but close.) The thing that I have received from books that I haven't found in a specific therapist is specifics. I love therapists, and believe that they have their place in healing, too. We have a wonderful therapist for our children and for family issues that need immediate resolving. There is nothing like having a live person to talk to when needing an immediate third-party objective view on something. BUT, I have always needed something that only books could provide - the words of the wise at my fingertips, available around the clock and affordable. In reading books I found answers from people that have both a spiritual and relational perspective. I also sought books for many reasons. One, because I wanted to know how to get along better with people, not the analyzation of why I am not. (I already do tons of analyzation on my own, anyway. I think I have out analyzed any therapist I have ever seen so nothing they say ever surprises me.) I wanted to stop blaming my childhood & the people around me and take personal responsibility. I needed to find a way to change my thoughts so that I could be more at peace and more understanding of who-I-am in the world. I also tend to talk a lot and therapy isn't financially conducive to long-winded answers.

So, I pick up books. I have always loved reading for it's relaxing & quiet support. And for reasons that are probably innate in me, I have always been drawn to the personal development books. As a teenager I bought Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus (from which I still use the useful metaphors). In college I bought books on depression, mother-daughter relationships, and being happy. (I'll give you one guess of how I felt then.) Now, I mostly buy books from spiritual/personal development authors. Most of the books I buy now can't be found in the regular personal development section - though some of the more popular authors do reside there. Now, you can find me in the New Age section just as often, if not more. That is the section where you will find this wonderful book I am rereading.

As I mentioned yesterday, there are things going on around me in the lives of others that have awakened a new sense of desire to know exactly how love works. I am speaking, in the cases I am aware of, specifically of Eros love, the kind of love we have for a spouse or a lover. Whether the desire to reread this book came before the awareness of the issues that surround me, or I went back to the book innately knowing I would need it, I don't know. I do know that this book is eye-opening and a must-read for anyone in any relationship of any kind. In other words, unless you are agoraphobic you probably have use for this book.

There are some people that have no interest in reading self-help books and I respect that. But if you are at all interested in having more love and peace in your relationships than you thought ever possible - READ THIS BOOK! If you have already read the book - reread it with me. I wish that I could have a "book club" event with all of my blog readers in person (because you know how fun book club can be), but I can't imagine the attendance would be very good. However, I can suggest this book and discuss it with you via email, phone or blog comments.

And the book? Have I built it up enough? Are you sitting at the edge of your seat in anticipation?

Here is an excerpt from Don Miguel Ruiz's The Mastery of Love:

In every relationship there are two halves of that relationship. One half is you, and the other half is your son, your daughter, your father, your mother, your friends, your partner. Of those halves, your are only responsible for your half; you are not responsible for the other half. It doesn't matter how close you think you are, or how strongly you think you love, there is no way you can be responsible for what is inside another person's head. You can never know what that person feels, what that person believes, all the assumptions she makes. You don't know anything about that person. That is the truth, but what do we do? We try to be responsible for the other half, and that is why relationships in hell are based on fear, drama and the war of control. - pg 66

And, If you take your happiness and put it in someone's hands, sooner or later, she is going to break it. If you give your happiness to someone else, she can always take it away. Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are responsible for your happiness. We can never make anyone responsible for our own happiness .... It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you are never going to be what that person wants you to be. -pg 53.

The Mastery of Love is filled on every page (there are 205 of them) with the formula that our relationships need to heal. And I'll give you a hint: self-love is a key ingredient. Buy it. Read it. Live it. (And then let me know how it's going.)

Footnote: Don Miguel Ruiz's books: The Four Agreements, The Voice of Knowledge and this one, The Mastery of Love, have all changed my life. I specifically found The Voice of Knowledge to be one of the most eye-opening books I have read in my lifetime.

Bulk Food = Samples. Yes or No?

Yesterday I told my child to steal. When the words came out of my mouth I realized there is no great way to explain what I meant and the why's and how's of it to a four year old. To ease some of my guilt I figured I would explain it to you. Like a confession. Forgive me friends, for I have sinned.

Our local mega-grocery store has a wonderful bulk food/candy section. There was a time when they passed out suckers to every kid that went through the check-out lane. When that stopped, I began allowing the kids to pick one thing out of the bulk food bins if they could make it through the store without whining, crying or asking for a dozen things. The big reward at the end of the long, boring shopping journey. BUT I did not begin this tradition without checking first. I am, for the most part, a rule follower. You will not find me participating in much that could get me in trouble with the law. So, why do I take a piece of bulk food without paying for it? Because I have asked the store clerks and management a million times (actually more than a dozen) if it is okay to have one piece of bulk candy, per child, while shopping. I have always been told that "yes, it is fine". I have done it in front of store clerks and they don't say anything. I tell you the truth: it was never intended to be sneaky or hidden.

Yesterday, my 4 yr old asked if we could pay for his Golden Coin (chocolate). Sure. That is fine.
So, I took the Golden Coin up to the register as I was paying for my groceries.

I asked the lady clerk if we could pay for the one Golden Coin.

She said "No. You have to buy more. They are measured by cost per pound and one won't weigh enough to be measured." And.... I waited for her to say, "He can just have it."

She did not say anything. 4yr old cried loudly when I said "You can't have it." All the while I am thinking ... c'mon lady just make up a price "25 cents, 1 dollar, give it away..." She obviously didn't know their policy on SHARING one piece of candy. She just stared at me like I was stupid and wrong. Well, maybe they didn't have a policy TO share, but is it out of the realm of her power to make it happen? Let me restate this. I have asked about the bulk candy many times(due to my fear of doing something wrong and getting in trouble). Each time we go to that store we get a piece of candy - so at least once a week. So this not happening was WAY against the grain of normal for my 4yr old. I know, poor him.

When he was crying as we were pushing our groceries out to the car, - minus one Golden Coin - he said "why can't I have my coin?" And I said "Because you asked to pay for it. Next time just take it like we always do." And I realized I just told my son to steal. He doesn't know that his mom has okayed their taking with the powers-that-be. He doesn't understand that sometimes when you try to do the right thing you are met with confusion and no options. He doesn't understand that some people lack the ability or power to be creative or make decisions in their jobs.

And now I don't know if I have been teaching my kids something horrible all along. My kids know that we don't take anything from a store without paying for it. I just considered the bulk food a "sample". I believe my children will grow up to think taking a piece of bulk food is okay, but I don't think that means that they will think taking a bag of bulk food is okay, or taking something else is okay. So, I am not sure what to think about having taught my kids that taking a piece of candy, even with permission, is okay.

Tell me what you think!

Come Write On My Bathroom Walls!

Once again, I need your help. I am starting a quote wall in my pink bathroom. This bathroom is attached to my kitchen that was painted when the water damage happened. The entire kitchen was light pink and glossy. Luckily, the damage changed that to mossy green. The bathroom was not painted because it had no wall damage. So, it is still faintly pink and glossy. I really have wanted to paint it, but since I am not getting to that project, I thought I would make a quote wall out of it.

My creative neighbors have a quote wall. It is their entire kitchen/dining room. The way I have heard it, they allow friends and family to add their favorite quotes on occassion. Like bathroom stall writing - without the vulgarities, BFF's, or TLA's. Quotes. Only. Good One's. That make you think. or Feel Good.

So, I am going to do the same in the pink bathroom. Fitting, I think. The bathroom. It's small, with four high walls. I started with the Hafiz quote I used the other day on my blog about the sun never saying to the earth "you owe me".

If you live near me and want to come write your quote in my bathroom, I'll let you. You must pass either the friendship/family test (as in, I know you) or a background check before I let you in my house. :)

If you don't live near me and want me to add your quote to my wall, submit it in the comments. I'll pick my favorites. If I pick your quote I will also use it as a blog title and come up with something smart to say about it. Or, I'll try, anyway.

I can't wait to hear your favorites!

The Style Of My Life

When I chose Scandalicious Suburbia it was with purpose. My thinking was this: I have a habit of hiding my ideas, beliefs, humor, and awesome dance moves from friends and family. When I let something "slip" it seems that I usually get a reaction. So I conformed - and still do - to fit in. This is something I have done for a lifetime, but have recently been working on changing. I won't always let my freak flag fly, though, because I am naturally shy and introverted. I need breaks, even from myself.

My great friend, KARK (male version), recently criticized my choice of "suburbia". He's just upset because he lives in the same neighborhood and thinks he's really progressive or something. Which he is. He also says what he thinks. Which I love him for. But I realized recently that I have many friends that live nearby and might feel the same. Though no one has asked for an explanation, I am offering one. As is my style, I suppose.

My concept of suburbia says that it does not matter where you dwell - the outskirts of the city limit, as I do, or the neighborhoods popping up in the fields of the rural areas. What makes suburbia suburbia is the lifestyle. The Style of Your Life.

I am middle class. My husband works and I stay home. I have 3 kids and 2 dogs. I drive a mini-van. My kids ride their bikes around the neighborhood. They can walk to school. Our neighbors are helpful and friendly - baking brownies when you move in and keeping an eye on your house when you are away. We have backyard BBQ's, block parties, Christmas parties, pig roasts, Welcome or Goodbye parties - basically any excuse to get together. We have a community swimming pool (not really - but a friend that shares) and a neighborhood garage sale. I sometimes covet what my neighbors have - like affording piano lessons and mini-vans with automatic doors. My kids have more than their fair share of bright colored plastic. Both my husband and I attend parent conferences and help kids with homework. I shop at Target, the mall, World Market (in other words I shop in the suburbs). I never use public transportation. I have walked to the store only a few times in the last 11 years.

I love the neighborhood that I live in. I call it Leave It To Beaver Land. I think it is a great place for kids to grow up and it fits my values well. I find that it draws people that have the same values as me. Older houses with character. Sidewalks. Diverse schools. Different faiths. Liberals. I am not knocking my piece of suburban heaven. I guess I am just calling it what I believe it to be. I'm not asking KARK to call it suburbia - if he did I wouldn't have another button to push.

I'm Just a Girl in the World

So, I know I am onto something when my husband finds my blog so funny and intriguing that he looks at me as if I have changed from 'mom of three' to the 17 year old hottie I was when he met me . Kevin has taken to my blog like a teenage boy to Playboy. I could be sitting next to him in sweatpants, a oversized t-shirt, with a toothpaste 'stache and he'd still ....well, anyway. He can't seem to wrap his brain around the fact that I, the mother of his children, can be scandaliciously funny. He reads and his eyes widen, "Oh my gosh. You said 'Some Like it Dirty'! You are funny, babe".

I had posted the first two stories before I first mentioned my blog to him. I started with the name only, mostly because he seemed less than interested in actually reading it. "Scandalicious Suburbia" I said. He looked at me like I was crazy. Crazy good or crazy bad, I did not know.

"That's Hot" he said.
HUH?
"Did you think of that name?"
Uh, yeah I did, but after I thought of it, I realized that I didn't invent it. Pretty funny isn't it. It's like it's delicious to be yourself... that's where I ....

He cut me off with his "I want you" eyes. I was confused. I won't go into all of the details why he thinks it's hot. I don't understand the male brain enough to be okay with sharing where his mind jumped to. Afterall, maybe he's wierd or something. Maybe I am naive. That's all I am saying.

The title was enough for him to take interest in reading. Now he's hooked. Blogging is GREAT!, my favorite person in the world is my biggest fan and I am having fun.

He was my biggest fan until today, that is. I guess when Kevin is proud of me he does what any loving husband would do and he shares his pride in me with his peeps. Fine with me (even though his friends are probably sick of hearing what I am up to now, as it changes all of the time - another blog topic). Today I received a friend request on facebook from a woman I didn't know. I was at work and I couldn't get on facebook to try to figure out who she was. A few hours later I receive a facebook message in my email inbox from same woman. Here is a portion of the letter (which I hope she doesn't mind me sharing):

Katie,

Let me introduce myself: HI, my name is Jane Doe and I work with your hubby...He thought i would enjoy your blogging so he told me about Scandalicious Suburbia...AND I AM SO GLAD HE DID!!!!

(((((Insert: about four more lovely, positive, sweet sentences here))))

Again...I am pretty sure you are the coolest woman in Michigan!

Hope to chat with you,
Jane Doe

In the past week I have had a few committed commenters (thanks gals!) and others that have mentioned that they liked the blog. Of course, no lying, the positive feedback feels good. I feel the love, people. I do. But, I am well aware that there are many out there that won't agree with my view of the world. I may eventually get hate mail. Or my worst nightmare is that I hurt a loved one unintentionally with my stories. But people, you MUST KNOW THAT I AM WELL AWARE THAT: I am just a girl in the world. I can be serious, too. And quiet. And shy. I'm a mom of three that sometimes raises her voice. I swear, often in front of my kids. I complain about my job. I can get blue in the winter. I didn't talk to my mother-in-law for over a year. I don't always follow through on things. I have belly fat.

I want to tell you, Kevin, and Jane, and everyone that reads this blog.... I am just me, trying to live the fullest, happiest, funniest life possible. Being true to myself, and my desire to be real with you, has brought me pieces of that life. Big Lovely Pieces of a Full, Happy, Funny Life.

I am overly content with the fact that my husband is my fan, and he could have been the only one. It is humbling, and a bit hilarious, to have received the letter from Jane today. And to her I say, YOU are the coolest woman in Michigan! And while I think nervously about making them proud and continuing the fun, witty, scandalicious posts; I really want, more than anything, to be proud of myself.

So, I continue my blogging with much thanks to all of you for loving me.