He Doesn't Hate School, He'd Just Rather Be Home With Mom

Well, today was the first day of school. As a kid, I always loved the beginning of school. It meant fall, apples, cool days, new routines. I just couldn't wait to go back. The new school year eventually became old routine, but September 1st - November 1st was heaven.

My husband hated school as a kid - especially back to school. Kevin's ADHD and dyslexia contributed to his anxiety. So, when our 9 year old started saying he hated school in 1st grade we were not surprised. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder. He has pretty severe separation anxiety from mom (that's me).

Each school year since kindergarten has played a large part of our understanding our ADHD/GAD child. In kindergarten we realized he has trouble focusing. 1st grade he was diagnosed with ADHD and started meds. 2nd grade he had a teacher that he loved- and although she wasn't the best academic teacher in the world we realized the importance of having a kind, soft-spoken teacher for him. 3rd grade he was diagnosed with GAD and we trialed different medications and doses to add to the ADHD med. We also had team meetings with school officials, his teacher, and an advocate. As a team, we wrote a 504 plan that allows him certain accomodations, such as: two phone calls home during the day, 5 minutes in the hall when he needs a break, a wiggle seat, and a safe place in the school when he is feeling very anxious.

It is very hard to be a parent of a child with special needs. For me it is not hard work physically, or even mentally. Just hard work emotionally. Sometimes I am Tough Mom and tell him that no matter his crying and whining he is going to school. I have to unlock his grip from my arms and hand him over to the principal and run. Seriously. Other times I am Easy Mom and I let him stay home. I don't know if there is a reason that I choose to do one over the other. I think I just get a feeling of how serious his anxiety is at the moment - and, honestly, my ability to cope. And no matter how I choose to react, I always let him know I love him.

Last year was hard in many ways. We were trying to figure out the best medication combination for his anxiety and ADHD. This led to some anger and aggression on certain meds or doses. He got in a few fights, he talked about not living, he was miserable. By the end of the year we had a good combination ironed out and he finished the year well. Besides, it's easier for him to be in a good mood when the end is near.

So, imagine my surprise when he asked, out of nowhere, this past weekend "Mom if I never call home for the whole year will you buy me a Nintendo DS?" I said "SURE!" without even thinking about it. Then I quickly added "Actually, I still want you to be able to call home. But if you don't cry at drop off for the whole year you can have a Nintendo DS." He was super-geeked. SUPER! We had been talking about what it will take for him to get into Michigan State (where his dad and I went), as is his plan. I told him he has to get A's, B's, and C's at least. That means he has to stay in school and try. Soon after this conversation he asked about the DS.

I believe that he thought about the long-range goal of college, which created his short-term goal of a successful 4th grade. He then asked for a reward for meeting that short term goal. I didn't bribe him, coerce him, or dangle the prize in front of him. It was a huge moment for me. I am very proud of him. Little does he know I probably would have said yes to just about any toy or gadget. I just want him to be happy and fearless. Fearless, because nothing he does or does not do could change my love for him. And I know that happiness happens when you choose it. He has to go to school, that is not a choice. His freedom lies in choosing to have a good time despite his struggles.

The first day of school went really well. No tears. No fear. No clinging hugs. He seemed genuinely okay. That's all I can hope for each day. I love him so much. And I am so grateful.