My friend Sarah came to visit a few weekends ago. We had a few drinks at a bar on Thursday night and then Friday we went to an antique store to find goodies for her vintage kitsch collection. After our visit to the downtown antique store we went to a local coffee joint to have a coffee and some good conversation.
We hit topics such as: politics, abortion, religion, spirituality, gay rights, the economy... it was a good convo. 'Specially fun because we weren't defending our stance on issues but sharing our beliefs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw this young (younger than us) girl sitting at her computer. I later told Sarah I KNEW she was listening, and Sarah said she saw her look up at us a few times. She started packing up to go and sure enough stopped at our table.
She was shaking. She went on to say that she had overheard our conversation. She went into a personal story of struggles, fear of crazy religious people, to a moment of clarity, to a church parking lot, to being welcomed by the church members, to a personal relationship with Jesus, to inviting us to her church. Her story was compelling and sweet. Sarah and I could relate to her moment of clarity and her fear of crazy religious people. I can relate to her personal relationship with Jesus (I don't want to speak for Sarah) and her wanting to share what has worked for her with others.
Scandalicous Suburbia is my testimony to the choices and beliefs that have worked for me. I fully realize that I have opened myself up by blogging in that I could potentially have many readers. Or I could be blogging to only 1 reader - me. Either way, once written it is not my choice who reads this blog. People find me and visit me for a number of different reasons I am sure, "becoming a hippie" is topping the list so far of readers that find me through Google.
I don't hold any expectations of my blog changing minds or lives. I don't sit around hoping that my blog gets read by thousands of people and makes me famous. Blogging isn't meant to be my life's work, I know that. But I still enjoy it. It's fun & I do it for me, really. I do it to process my thoughts and live who-I-am out-loud, something I didn't do much of until recently. So, if you read it, you may hear me talk about Byron Katie and The Work because her process on how to live in the moment changed my life. You might hear me mention TUT, the website that sends me a fabulous, funny daily email from The Universe. I have read and loved Seth books by Jane Roberts, Eckhart Tolle, Neale Donald Walsch, Don Miguel Ruiz (specifically The Voice of Knowledge), Wayne Dyer, Pema Chodron, The Tao Te Ching, M. Scott Peck (specifically Further Along The Road Less Traveled), and A Course in Miracles to name a few. These people/books may all get mentioned on my blog because it is MY blog and they were enlightening and important to my path.
What I do not understand is the belief that some hold that their way of life (their choice of religion/books/beliefs/etc) is the only way of life and should be a one size fits all for everyone. What happens when we begin proselytizing to other people is that we begin to look naive, closed minded and cold. The political tactic of making the other guy look bad has never sat well with me, no matter what party. Why aren't politicians talking about what they will bring to the office instead of what the other guy won't bring? And religion: I have known people who hoped to bring followers to their religion, talk to the potential converts like they are stupid and naive, somehow not ready for the "one truth", & disappointing The Lord until the moment they join the "one true" church. The girl that told us HER church was the place that WE could find healing, believed that with all of her heart and stated in simply and lovingly. When she left I loved her for being so brave as to share her sorrowful and triumphant story with two strangers. An amazing testimony from her soul. It was her story about her path to freedom. I can hear it and love her. I don't have to make it her story about my path to freedom.
I have my own story about me. I have shared parts of it here, on Scandalicious Suburbia. I have shared it openly. I don't expect everyone to agree with me. I don't hope for anything specific by sharing it. For me, it's about opening up to Life. Just by writing and clicking "Publish Post" I am opening myself up to the world. I have learned that when I do this the world opens itself up to me, too. However, my sense of self, my passion, my heart is not wrapped up in the comments or the feedback or how many new friends I receive or people I convert to my way of thinking. My self-identity is only wrapped up in Me. How I feel. What I think about. Whether I am being loving, open, and kind to myself. It's only when I am being good to myself that I can be good to others. I play my music and others benefit (if they like the sound of it, that is). Changing my music to theirs to win them over makes no sense and making people change their music to mine to gain followers is loveless.
This video, from Abraham (another of my favorites), is an amazing testimony, for me, to the value of living Your Life without expectations and judgements of others.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
My Daughter Votes For Chocolate
So, on a drive home from a play-date with the daughter of my conservative friends, my seven year old daughter said "Why do I only see McCain signs or Obama signs?" The only time she brings up politics is after playing with this friend, so I was prepared for a discussion.
Me: Well, those are the two choices.
Her: There are only two choices?
Me: Yes. Only two. Pretty weird, huh? That would be like walking into an ice cream store and only being able to order vanilla or ..... I stopped myself. I was headed down the wrong road. Not PC. Not the message I wanted to send. Not coming up with another flavor very fast.
Me: or Strawberry. Just two choices. Or between Chocolate and Strawberry. But just two. That's exactly like our vote. Out of all of the people in our country we choose between two people.
Her: I would vote for chocolate.
Me: (oh, she's smart...) Oh, ya, it's a great flavor, right?
Her: No because of Obama's skin color. I would pick chocolate.
Me: Uh... well, actually I wasn't trying to .... okay. Yep. I would choose chocolate, too. So, you get it right? You could walk into Baskin Robbins and order your choice of 32 flavors. But in the case of an election you get two choices. Chocolate or Vanilla. Not a very good ice cream store, eh?
Her: No. (Now she's bored. Over it. And I'm still thinking.....)
You definitely don't get to choose the ingredients or "mixins" for the perfect candidate, ala Cold Stone Creamery. A well developed, highly successful, equipped with cutting technology, ice cream store with two choices: Vanilla or Chocolate.
Gosh, my girl was onto something.
Me: Well, those are the two choices.
Her: There are only two choices?
Me: Yes. Only two. Pretty weird, huh? That would be like walking into an ice cream store and only being able to order vanilla or ..... I stopped myself. I was headed down the wrong road. Not PC. Not the message I wanted to send. Not coming up with another flavor very fast.
Me: or Strawberry. Just two choices. Or between Chocolate and Strawberry. But just two. That's exactly like our vote. Out of all of the people in our country we choose between two people.
Her: I would vote for chocolate.
Me: (oh, she's smart...) Oh, ya, it's a great flavor, right?
Her: No because of Obama's skin color. I would pick chocolate.
Me: Uh... well, actually I wasn't trying to .... okay. Yep. I would choose chocolate, too. So, you get it right? You could walk into Baskin Robbins and order your choice of 32 flavors. But in the case of an election you get two choices. Chocolate or Vanilla. Not a very good ice cream store, eh?
Her: No. (Now she's bored. Over it. And I'm still thinking.....)
You definitely don't get to choose the ingredients or "mixins" for the perfect candidate, ala Cold Stone Creamery. A well developed, highly successful, equipped with cutting technology, ice cream store with two choices: Vanilla or Chocolate.
Gosh, my girl was onto something.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Blissful Parenting Schmarenting - Bleh!
Just a night after posting about my ability to parent blissfully, and only moments ago, I told Kevin:
Me: We are the worst parents in Kalamazoo. We are lazy. We'd love it if the kids made their own food, entertained themselves, and tucked themselves into bed by 9:00. The difference between you and I is that I KNOW this about us. You don't seem to realize how lazy you are. I do. And when I do I work to change it. And even when I don't want to work to change it I do, because the kids obviously CAN'T feed themselves, and would never tuck themselves into bed. So, start helping me out by realizing how crappy a job we would be doing if we COULD.
Kevin: (no comment. just stared at me)
So, the truth is I do believe all of that stuff I posted yesterday, and I really do my best to live it. BUT I don't do a "perfect job". And I certainly have not attained blissful wifery yet. I am working on that too. I am sure Kevin is NOT working on attaining blissful husbandry. He already seems to be accepting of all of my stuff. More than I am of his.
I think the biggest hurdle is that he works and I stay home. So, when does my time "on the job" end? Only when I schedule time outside the house. Which I do often. I have a pretty active social life because otherwise Kevin would work, hunt, or I'd watch him sit and watch cartoons with a basket of laundry next to him that remains unfolded. I have to get out of the house to have time for me - without Things To Do staring me in the face.
If you haven't concluded yet - this evening was not blissful. And again, all because of my expectations. BLEH! But I'll get over it and go back to being grateful - tomorrow.....
Me: We are the worst parents in Kalamazoo. We are lazy. We'd love it if the kids made their own food, entertained themselves, and tucked themselves into bed by 9:00. The difference between you and I is that I KNOW this about us. You don't seem to realize how lazy you are. I do. And when I do I work to change it. And even when I don't want to work to change it I do, because the kids obviously CAN'T feed themselves, and would never tuck themselves into bed. So, start helping me out by realizing how crappy a job we would be doing if we COULD.
Kevin: (no comment. just stared at me)
So, the truth is I do believe all of that stuff I posted yesterday, and I really do my best to live it. BUT I don't do a "perfect job". And I certainly have not attained blissful wifery yet. I am working on that too. I am sure Kevin is NOT working on attaining blissful husbandry. He already seems to be accepting of all of my stuff. More than I am of his.
I think the biggest hurdle is that he works and I stay home. So, when does my time "on the job" end? Only when I schedule time outside the house. Which I do often. I have a pretty active social life because otherwise Kevin would work, hunt, or I'd watch him sit and watch cartoons with a basket of laundry next to him that remains unfolded. I have to get out of the house to have time for me - without Things To Do staring me in the face.
If you haven't concluded yet - this evening was not blissful. And again, all because of my expectations. BLEH! But I'll get over it and go back to being grateful - tomorrow.....
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
What I Have Learned About Parenting, So Far
Blissful parenting is possible. Guess what? It does not require burning incense or daily meditation! Being blissful also does not require a person to be without emotion & perfectly in control. Quite the opposite, actually. I believe, to master parenthood is to allow each moment to be it's own perfection. To allow all emotions that come with motherhood, even the feelings of it's never-ending, difficult and scary, to just be. No reaction. I can have the feelings but I don't need to attach to them by trying to control them. A blissful experience of motherhood requires letting go of control.
I know the feeling of never-ending parenting will soon be the feeling of it-went-by-too-fast. So, when I think the thought "motherhood has trapped me - I have no freedom!" and apply The Work to it, I know that it isn't true. I know this because it's just as true or truer that time goes so fast as parents, supported by how quickly my babies have grown. By giving more attention to the moment, rather than the past or the future, my fears and frustrations fade to little blips of nothingness.
I know that my worries, fears, and frustrations come from my expectations of my children and not their failures. Funny then that I expect children to do things that I do not always do. Are children expected to "know better" and "use their manners" as soon as an adult teaches them their version of right and wrong, and their usage of please and thank you? Do I always use my manners and do what is right - 100% of the time? No. I don't. It is amazing how many parents discipline children for things that they have taught them. I include myself in this, unfortunately.
So, for some time I have pondered what type of parent I want to be and how to grow into being HER. I believe my blissful parenting moments come from lowering my expectations, raising my awareness of my own self and others (as in, we are all doing the best we can in the given moment), allowing my children to be who they are, and striving to live in the moment. While I'm only able to do my best, I remain aware that motherhood is my greatest opportunity to teach what I live and live what I teach. So, I teach my kids that mistakes are okay. Being upset or grumpy is okay. Standing up for yourself is okay. Being polite is usually appropriate, but not always. Loving your family and friends is important - but so is communicating with them, even when it's not easy. Hugging is always appropriate to show care and concern.
The following list consists of ways that I attempt to achieve peace of mind while parenting:
I know the feeling of never-ending parenting will soon be the feeling of it-went-by-too-fast. So, when I think the thought "motherhood has trapped me - I have no freedom!" and apply The Work to it, I know that it isn't true. I know this because it's just as true or truer that time goes so fast as parents, supported by how quickly my babies have grown. By giving more attention to the moment, rather than the past or the future, my fears and frustrations fade to little blips of nothingness.
I know that my worries, fears, and frustrations come from my expectations of my children and not their failures. Funny then that I expect children to do things that I do not always do. Are children expected to "know better" and "use their manners" as soon as an adult teaches them their version of right and wrong, and their usage of please and thank you? Do I always use my manners and do what is right - 100% of the time? No. I don't. It is amazing how many parents discipline children for things that they have taught them. I include myself in this, unfortunately.
So, for some time I have pondered what type of parent I want to be and how to grow into being HER. I believe my blissful parenting moments come from lowering my expectations, raising my awareness of my own self and others (as in, we are all doing the best we can in the given moment), allowing my children to be who they are, and striving to live in the moment. While I'm only able to do my best, I remain aware that motherhood is my greatest opportunity to teach what I live and live what I teach. So, I teach my kids that mistakes are okay. Being upset or grumpy is okay. Standing up for yourself is okay. Being polite is usually appropriate, but not always. Loving your family and friends is important - but so is communicating with them, even when it's not easy. Hugging is always appropriate to show care and concern.
The following list consists of ways that I attempt to achieve peace of mind while parenting:
- Dance with my kids - or get on the floor and play with them
- See them as unique little individuals as often as possible
- Realize that they won't react to situations in a "polite" or "correct" way most of the time
- Stop comparing them to other children; their siblings or their peers
- Give thanks to them and to God for them - daily
- Apologize to them when you have done or said something that may have hurt them
- Listen to them when they have something to say.
- Give them responsibilities and reward them - with praise in the least
- Let go of preconceived ideas on parenting - saying NEVER before you get to experience the options. Such as: my baby will NEVER use a pacifier. Uh-huh, then I realize that is the only thing that works to quiet the baby and allows me to sleep....
- Realize that vocalizing rules on parenting to others can come across as naive to current parents (they are waiting for you to find out how it isn't as easy as you think) or judgemental to people with different ideas
- Have an open and flexible mind (less expectations) because my kids will test it. Their job as children is to test life for themselves. The less flexible and open I am, the more I will feel tested and the harder parenting will be.
- The harder I work to protect my children from my fears the more possible it is for my fears to find life (that is: actually happen). For instance: a school age child that is always required to hold a hand crossing the street could easily be taught to cross without hand holding while learning the procedure for crossing safely. Children who depend on their parents to make most of their choices for them can find themselves lacking the skills to protect themselves. This rule that I have for myself is specifically about age-appropriate small-scale safety issues. Learning how to use the stove, cross the street, climb, ride a bike, stay home alone, drive, use birth control - these are the things I want my kids to grow into knowing. Safely. With lessons. From Me or Kevin.
I have found that any opportunity to allow my children their individuality and growth in an safe and age appropriate manner, lessens my anxiety and fears and does not exacerbate them. When I quiet my fears I feel more peace. With more peace, I am a more stable role model for my children and a happier woman in general.
Friday, October 3, 2008
How I Love Thee, Let Me Blog The Ways
Letter to my Honey:
Yes, I love you. Even when you forget to pick up your underwear and you leave it for me to do. I love you when you say everything is going to be okay even though I haven't found a job to help make everything okay and instead spend my time blogging, tweeting, and meeting friends for drinks.
I love you because you love me more than your mom.
I love you because you and I created cute kids (forget that they have also acquired our worst habits and quirks).
I love you for working your ass off, literally, and causing me to dream about fitting into YOUR skinny jeans. Lest I forget my weight loss goals.
I love you for staying true to yourself. You have always kept me waiting and I am sure you always will. Don't change for anyone, baby.
I love you for thinking I am employable: smart, quick, dependable, funny, anyone would be lucky to have me. Even though no one seems to want me.
I love you for letting me paint our house shades of the fall colors I love. I am not sure what colors you love for walls.
I love you for thinking I'm sexy - even though I don't quite resemble the 17 year old I was when I met you.
I love you for not caring about the fanciest cars, clothes, and things. When I buy you a Crossfire you'll have your own cargasm. Right? I think...
I love you for being open to me sharing all of my scandalicious thoughts with unknown and known readers.
I just wanted you to know why I love you. I am sure there are more reasons, but we are headed on a date. And I'll take actually talking to you over typing to you, via Father Internet and Mother Masses, any day.
Your loving wife,
ScandalciousK
Yes, I love you. Even when you forget to pick up your underwear and you leave it for me to do. I love you when you say everything is going to be okay even though I haven't found a job to help make everything okay and instead spend my time blogging, tweeting, and meeting friends for drinks.
I love you because you love me more than your mom.
I love you because you and I created cute kids (forget that they have also acquired our worst habits and quirks).
I love you for working your ass off, literally, and causing me to dream about fitting into YOUR skinny jeans. Lest I forget my weight loss goals.
I love you for staying true to yourself. You have always kept me waiting and I am sure you always will. Don't change for anyone, baby.
I love you for thinking I am employable: smart, quick, dependable, funny, anyone would be lucky to have me. Even though no one seems to want me.
I love you for letting me paint our house shades of the fall colors I love. I am not sure what colors you love for walls.
I love you for thinking I'm sexy - even though I don't quite resemble the 17 year old I was when I met you.
I love you for not caring about the fanciest cars, clothes, and things. When I buy you a Crossfire you'll have your own cargasm. Right? I think...
I love you for being open to me sharing all of my scandalicious thoughts with unknown and known readers.
I just wanted you to know why I love you. I am sure there are more reasons, but we are headed on a date. And I'll take actually talking to you over typing to you, via Father Internet and Mother Masses, any day.
Your loving wife,
ScandalciousK
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