Love in the Clutches of Chaos and Terror

This is a note to myself. I needed an outlet after yesterday's pain and confusion.

Thinking of Boston. The only thing I could think to do was accept the invitation I saw on FB to send Reiki energy to the victims and their families, and then to all that have experienced a sense of fear and trauma from the event.

We will each have different reactions to trauma. I tend to recognize it, accept it and ask what I can do to change it. On a personal level, from this chair at my desk at work, in Michigan, how can I be of service? I want to be love. I want to be fearless. I want to model those qualities for my children as they grow up in this chaotic world. I know that when my mind turns to fear (and it has), the terrorists win. When I have thoughts of violence and retribution, I am thinking like a terrorist. Mostly, I can't help but feel overwhelmed because I am NOT surprised by these events. We live in a country that is at war, internally and externally. There is a worldwide pervasive need to be right and to prove others wrong.

There are bullies in our schools, bullies in politics, adults that bully, and there are bullies with weapons and bombs. There are bullies that claim to be on the side of "good", calling the wrong-doers "maggots" or "sociopaths". We can call the bullies dark and talk about how "light" we are, or call them bad and thank God for the good people. We claim an "us" and a "them" and the chaos continues. Darkness is not all or nothing, it exists in all of humanity, and in each one of us. We talk about bad people and bad things while we separate ourselves out from that kind of bad, as if badness can be ranked. If you make a bad choice, it's a bad choice no matter what society deems most punishable, or religion claims as most sinful. A bully on the playground is a terrorist to the child he/she is bullying. A parent yelling and spanking their child is a terrorist to that child. A spouse calling their partner names is terrorizing him/her. Terror exists in abundance on every level. I'm guilty of it. I get angry, confused and defensive.

While it was not MY legs that were blown off, or MY son that died, it was OUR legs and OUR son. To heal this world, we must acknowledge our oneness. We must face our anger, fears and hatred so we can be more compassionate with others. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent people that are experiencing trauma in Boston because of a person or group's choices, beliefs and need to defend them. I know what I can do to contribute to the healing. I must look at my feelings of separateness, anger and fear and ask - do I help create confusion in the world or eliminate it? I have to open my eyes, heart and mind to other ways of living and being in this world. I must love, and see equal, all of my sisters and brothers - the Republicans, the Democrats, the gays, the Westboro Baptist churchgoers, the rich, the poor, the helpers and the terrorists.

A week before Monday's bombings in Boston, American's dropped a bomb in Afghanistan that killed six children working in a field. There are many reasons that cause a person or nation to flex that mighty muscle of power. How do we stop it?

I don't know the global answer. I just know that I can choose to opt-out of vilifying others and look for opportunities to offer compassion, peace and love. Love is what heals.


"How to defeat terrorism? Don't be terrorized. Don't let fear rule your life. Even if you are scared.” - Salman Rushdie

Knowitalledness, Be Sabered!

I've been thinking a lot lately about the recent day that the phrase know-it-all was used in conjunction with "your tendencies" (your, meaning mine). It really bothered me at first, because I truly don't want to be thought of as anything but smart, lovely, kind, and wonderful. Not because I need someone else to give me a sense of personal worth, but because that is how I see myself (and oy, I know how that sounds). I recognize that I am not those things all of the time, but I also recognize that at my core I AM those things in abundance. The thing is,if I can see my smart, lovely, kind and wonderful self, it means I have eyes to see the world, and you, in the same way.

The most uneasy thing about being called a know-it-all is that I knew it had truth and yet I struggled with the negativity of it. It was a hard thing to own immediately because when you Google Know-it-All, you'll find this definition on Wikipedia: A know-it-all or know-all is a person who obnoxiously purports an expansive comprehension of a topic and/or situation when in reality, his/her comprehension is inaccurate or limited. The rub for me was "obnoxiously purports and his/her comprehension is inaccurate or limited." My comprehension is certainly limited when it comes to your life and what you need. That's a given. However, I don't speak about things which I have no comprehension. I ask about those things. I don't know if I come off as obnoxiously purporting things to be true that aren't. If I do, tell me. The truth is that I love to learn from others, from the internet, from books and from life experience. LOVE it. I will consume as much information as possible about a subject in order to have as many perspectives as possible. I will research something until I have exhausted much of the library and Google's relevant information. I will try books, products, ways of being, new activities, etc. to see what thing/way feels true to me. I don't research to know everything that is right for YOU, I research to help me understand my world. When you and I have a conversation, you may notice that I love to talk and connect dots with you - connection is another of my favorite things in the world.

So, it is true that I love to accumulate information. Not to be a know-it-all and impress you, but so that I can know what I like and how I want to live. Then, here's the rub on YOU, friend, I get super excited about what I have learned and what I know and I like to share my knowledge. I don't do it in hopes that you take my word for it and follow my path, look up to me, or think I'm amazing. I share with the hope that you will share, too. I really do respect your journey, and I really like you, damn it. I want you and I to be freakin' bad-ass Jedi's and cross our lightsabers. And I want you to tell me all about your lightsaber and why you love it and what amazing things you have done with it. I don't think my lightsaber is better than yours, it's just the tool that I use to deflect the darkness. I picked up the methods I use to wield my lightsaber in Jedi training, as well through certain natural instincts. I totally get that you have your Jedi training and your own natural instincts and I want to honor them. Have I lost you, Obi Wan? This is the heart of my rambling: You have your own way of living, loving and being. And I LOVE that about you, and I want to know how you manage to do all that you do and be all that you are because you are my hero. I am in awe of you.

The conclusion? I don't want to be on anyone's pedestal. I want to be someone you walk your path with (for as long as you will have me) sharing stories, likes and dislikes, and Jedi Master tricks. And, I want you to know that when I tell you about the latest thing I love or have found, or that my life is better for something or someone that I have come to know, I am not saying it with any sense of I-know-better or I-am-better. I'm not. It's not my way. It's that I love me. And because I love me, I love you. Because I love my life, I love your life. Because I am grateful for amazing finds, I am grateful for finding an amazing you. This may not make my knowitalledness any easier for you, but knowing what I know about me, it's made it easier for me to accept what I am. I am okay with my current level of Jedi training, my purple lightsaber and my path (including the shadows), and I am more than okay with yours.

With genuine love for thee,

Katie

**As a disclaimer: this post is a response to a comment a friend made after I argued (in love) with her about pasta. I know this person loves me for who I am and that helps me feel safe to dig deep. I have amazing friends that see all of me and love me with honesty and I am extremely grateful.