If We Are All Going Down I Might As Well Have Fun

If I believe the news today I may be on a sinking ship, similar to the "unsinkable" Titanic (or USA?). If so, I know I have a few options in taking on the imminent danger. According to the movie, Titanic, I can:

• Lie down on my bed. Masturbate. Or have sex with my husband if he is available. Wait - I don't think this option is in the movie, but it would be more fun than simply lying down, closing my eyes and drowning.
• Find a way to die before I die. Cuz that makes sense.
• Run. Did ya know that zig zagging is especially confusing to water?
• Hide. Another option. Maybe the water won't find/kill me if I hide in the bathtub. It has a drain y'all.
• Jump. Yeah, I might survive that free-fall.
• Count failures like sheep. Die in misery.
• Find a lifeboat. Try not to look into the eyes of the people that don't have a lifeboat. Sort of like the Republicans. Every man/woman/child for themselves. Richest people first. Gay? Good Luck.
• Help the others find lifeboats. Or at least help them find peace by continuing to play my music. (I dance to the tune of LOVE - if ya haven't caught on). You know like the quartet in the movie. Yeah, you get it.

It appears that only the lifeboats can potentially save my life, but at the expense of another's. Yes, that is how it is. I get that.

But how do the ship's officers decide who survives and who goes down with the ship? In the movie there is a definite class divide - the rich are more worth saving than the poor. The third-class passengers were locked away & didn't even have the choice- to run, hide, jump overboard or try for a lifeboat. Locked down in the lowest levels of the ship for fear that they would impede the survival of the elite. I agree that the children should be helped first. But not just the rich, (white, straight, smart) important kids. All kids. And to help all kids you sometimes have to help their family unit.

So, what would I do? Well, because of who I am, I would pick the last option. I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of being cowardly in order to survive. If and when I have the chance to share my music with people that are afraid, left behind, angry, or unsure, I will take it. Always.

BUT If I am locked down in the belly of the ship, with no one to share my music with - well then I will go out in ecstasy playing with myself.

Bulk Food = Samples. Yes or No?

Yesterday I told my child to steal. When the words came out of my mouth I realized there is no great way to explain what I meant and the why's and how's of it to a four year old. To ease some of my guilt I figured I would explain it to you. Like a confession. Forgive me friends, for I have sinned.

Our local mega-grocery store has a wonderful bulk food/candy section. There was a time when they passed out suckers to every kid that went through the check-out lane. When that stopped, I began allowing the kids to pick one thing out of the bulk food bins if they could make it through the store without whining, crying or asking for a dozen things. The big reward at the end of the long, boring shopping journey. BUT I did not begin this tradition without checking first. I am, for the most part, a rule follower. You will not find me participating in much that could get me in trouble with the law. So, why do I take a piece of bulk food without paying for it? Because I have asked the store clerks and management a million times (actually more than a dozen) if it is okay to have one piece of bulk candy, per child, while shopping. I have always been told that "yes, it is fine". I have done it in front of store clerks and they don't say anything. I tell you the truth: it was never intended to be sneaky or hidden.

Yesterday, my 4 yr old asked if we could pay for his Golden Coin (chocolate). Sure. That is fine.
So, I took the Golden Coin up to the register as I was paying for my groceries.

I asked the lady clerk if we could pay for the one Golden Coin.

She said "No. You have to buy more. They are measured by cost per pound and one won't weigh enough to be measured." And.... I waited for her to say, "He can just have it."

She did not say anything. 4yr old cried loudly when I said "You can't have it." All the while I am thinking ... c'mon lady just make up a price "25 cents, 1 dollar, give it away..." She obviously didn't know their policy on SHARING one piece of candy. She just stared at me like I was stupid and wrong. Well, maybe they didn't have a policy TO share, but is it out of the realm of her power to make it happen? Let me restate this. I have asked about the bulk candy many times(due to my fear of doing something wrong and getting in trouble). Each time we go to that store we get a piece of candy - so at least once a week. So this not happening was WAY against the grain of normal for my 4yr old. I know, poor him.

When he was crying as we were pushing our groceries out to the car, - minus one Golden Coin - he said "why can't I have my coin?" And I said "Because you asked to pay for it. Next time just take it like we always do." And I realized I just told my son to steal. He doesn't know that his mom has okayed their taking with the powers-that-be. He doesn't understand that sometimes when you try to do the right thing you are met with confusion and no options. He doesn't understand that some people lack the ability or power to be creative or make decisions in their jobs.

And now I don't know if I have been teaching my kids something horrible all along. My kids know that we don't take anything from a store without paying for it. I just considered the bulk food a "sample". I believe my children will grow up to think taking a piece of bulk food is okay, but I don't think that means that they will think taking a bag of bulk food is okay, or taking something else is okay. So, I am not sure what to think about having taught my kids that taking a piece of candy, even with permission, is okay.

Tell me what you think!

Single Parenting Might be For Me! .... for occasional pre-planned weekends

Sign me up for the Single for an Occasional Weekend Plan (SOW? like a mother pig or to tend for growth? perfect!)! Is there one? Maybe we can both sign up for the same weekend and really have a good time! Me, my kids, you (um, just the moms - sorry dads), your kids. What fun we would have.

Kevin went to a 3-D archery shoot this weekend (picture giant stuffed animals in the woods - aim & shoot). It has been raining all weekend. Not just drizzling, but raining. I am worried that we will lose something. Not sure what. A tree. Basement carpeting. A kid in the quick-mud. So, I have no husband, no outdoor space to play, & danger lurking out my door [added for dramatic effect]. You would think I would be curled up in a corner alternating sips of coffee with shots of Hot Damn. Eyes red and bloodshot. Voice hoarse from yelling. But, I am not.

I actually do quite well when Kevin goes away. It feels like I have one less person to manage. Oh, wait, I do. He really creates as much mess as the kids. He leaves his dishes and shoes for me to pick up. He practices archery instead of folding laundry. He comes home wondering if dinner is ready when it's not. Or comes home without an appetite when I have cooked. I said to him when he left, "wow, it's amazing. you can just walk out the door when it's time to leave. no notes about care of kids. no phone numbers in case of emergency. just goodbye. have fun. see you soon." He said "well, if this were my job i might leave you a note." I said "oh, did you leave notes at work?" He said "no". See it's just not the same.

I know when I start working I will add my paid job to all of the above. It won't be divvied up evenly. Even women who claim feminism get pulled into the strong ancestral feeling of "mom" and what that means. And dad's generally go through life with more freedom to come and go, or sit down and watch cartoons (bleh!), or play with their bow and arrows.... not that they see it that way. I know having a family to provide for has weighed heavily on Kevin. So, maybe it is fair that for one weekend he can just leave his responsibilities without fear or turning back and go shoot fake animals in the woods. Oh, and he called to say he won. I asked what he won. He said "nothing but the bragging rights of beating 6 other guys". That was enough for him. I wouldn't enter a contest and drive 5 hours to win if there wasn't a prize at the end. I'm just sayin'.

For me the contest was "can i survive a single parent weekend". And I am happy to say that this weekend I felt: more patient. more energy. more willingness to be the only one in charge. i happily entertained, cooked, and taxied children. i spent less time on the computer and more time with kids. i planned creative projects (in my head). i considered painting the boys room and would have except they can't agree on a color. It all seemed to flow well and I actually enjoyed my time with the kids.

So, while I can pretend that single parenting is easier and choose to blog about the disadvantages of being married to a man-child, I secretly yearn for his return and warm body in my bed (as opposed to the many fingers and toes in my back). I am well aware of the two sides to this fairy tale; the struggles that the princess has understanding her prince-charming but loving him all the same. I am sure my girlfriends and I will tell our stories again and again, and always come up with the same conclusion. "You don't marry the person you can live with. You marry the person you can't live without."

List of Things to Do Before I Die, aka The Bucket List

On June 13, 2008, before I started this blog, I made a Bucket List on my facebook page. Many of my friends have already read it and commented. I thought I would post it here for my blog followers and lurkers. I really don't put a lot of NEED into most things on my bucket list. I am a happy, fulfilled person with or without some of these goals being met. However, it's always good to have goals; so, given the time and opportunity (and in some cases with the proper motivation and dedication) I will attempt to meet these before I croak, die, kick the bucket....

1. Learn to play guitar.
2. Travel to Africa - possibly staying for a month or more.
3. Become friends with my children when they are adults.
4. Have a great relationship with my future daughter(s)-in-law.
5. Have a male friend that can advise me on fashion, relationships, and decorating without wanting to kiss me.
6. Bring moms together in a safe, supportive, and encouraging environment to share, learn and grow together.
7. Write a book. Don't care if it is published, not sure if it is fiction or non, I just have a lot to say.
8. Stop random thoughts from ruining my day - like the one I just had now "you'll never get any of this done".
9. Give an accurate intuitive reading for someone some day.
10. Enjoy cooking and cleaning enough to entertain as often as my mom.
11. Make sure that everyone I know knows how much I love them.
12. Learn to sing in my own voice (ignoring the thoughts that Ihave to be a soprano when in fact I am closer to an alto).
13. Find peace in every moment.
14. Get in awesome shape.
15. Adopt, become a foster parent, or a Big Sister.
16. Stand up for the underdog when presented with that oportunity. For people that are not treated with dignity or given the same consideration because of their race, age, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation.
17. Attend a Byron Katie School for The Work.
18. Get laser vision for my eyes - tired of contacts.
19. Have wild, passionate sex many times a week for many years - and just once - smoke a cigarette afterwards.
20. Take a road trip to the west coast while the kids are still young - but not too young.
21. Tour Canada - stop to visit Natasha. Canada is the only place I have ever seen the Northern Lights - would love a repeat.
21. a. I should add - learn more about Canada before I go.
22. Travel the world - too many places to list.
23. Own a horse again.
24. Start a Holistic Wellness Center - welcoming all people.
25. Shop locally and eat predominantly organic.
26. Open a boutique of some sort.
27. Practice Yoga regularly. Possibly getting teacher certification.
28. Become a snowbird. Or live in multiple places in a year.
29. Witness the birth of at least one of my grandchildren.
30. Grow my own fruits and vegetables.
31. Go on a week long horseback riding and camping excursion.
32. Have enough time in the day to call every person I promised to call and let them know I KNOW I am a slacker when it comes to the phone and that in fact it has nothing to do with them and I love them.
33. Stop analyzing life and just live it!!
34. Stop caring about what other people think - about me, or life, or religion, or politics.
35. Feel a daily, constant connection to LOVE (aka GOD).
36. Fall in love with my husband again and again.
37. See Kevin happy and doing something he loves - either with hobbies or work.
38. Win the lotto so I can do what I always wanted to do and pay off my friends mortgages and take care of my family (parents, brother, SIL, my own kids and husband).
39. Get creative again: draw, paint, design.
40. Start a not-for-profit that redecorates kids rooms so they have a personal space of their own that feels warm and nuturing.
41. Learn jewelry making and knitting.
42. Learn to play the piano.
43. Go to a luxurious spa with Kevin for a week of crazy relaxation and pampering.
44.Pull of a Pixie cut. Yeah Right a 5'11 pixie. (Update: Accomplished 7/08)
45. Have platinum blond hair - or some crazy hair color.
46. Get another tattoo.
47. Rock a bikini starting next year and for at least 10 more years.
48. Play in some adult sports league (volleyball, tennis, etc.)
49. Start an adventure club for women (outdoor or athletic adventures mostly).
50. Own a few GREAT pieces of art.
51. Own a cabin in the woods on a river.
52. Hire my house cleaner back and keep her forever.
53. Have friend teach me how to make Mozzarella cheese.
54. Make Kevin laugh again as hard as he did when I snapped myself in the face with a rubber fitness band (while dancing).
55. Stop biting my nails FOR GOOD!
56. Take the kids to Makinac Island and bike around the island.
57. Shop from Athleta or Title Nine without worries about cost.
58. Have fresh flowers in my house year round.
59. Rent a place in the Carolina's on the beach with a group of friends and their kids.
60. Travel to California with KARK x 2 - the beach house is calling us!
61. Take individual trips with each of my kids when they reach a certain age.
62. Finish my Reiki Master course.
63. Formally study Holistic Health - doesn't have to lead to a degree but it could.
64. Buy the most luxurious mattress, sheets, bedding and pillows so that when I fall asleep I feel like I am in Heaven.
65. Own pretty pajamas suitable for sitting on the porch while drinking my morning coffee.
66. Read Mists of Avalon again.
67. Own 6 season tickets to Michigan State University football games.
68. Never stop dancing.
69. Speak Spanish fluently.
70. Find the tree that my mom and dad carved their initials on when they met. The tree was in Jackson Hole, WY in a campground in the mountains.
71. Type my dad's travel journal he was keeping when he met my mom so there is a copy of it forever.
72. Take the fall color tour of New England that I have wanted to do for years.
73. Swim with the dolphins.
74. Swim across the lake I grew up on at least once a year until I can no longer swim.
75. Visit winery's around the world.
76. Have the audacity to skinny dip again.
77. Decorate like Martha Stewart for Halloween and then throw an elaborate Halloween party.
78. New Year's Eve in Times Square - just once.
79. Learn about my lost relatives and ancestors - and meet a few.
80. Volunteer or work in the Child Life department of a hospital.
81. Host a foreign exchange student.
82. Go to a chocolate factory and take a tour.
83. Watch wild chimpanzees.
84. Have a past life regression.
85. Send my parents on a dream vacation.
86. See a woman become President.
87. See an African American become President.
88. Swim in a pool of water at the bottom of a waterfall.
89. Learn to bartend.
90. Put my rubber fitness band dance on You Tube.
91. Go to an Ellen DeGeneres Show.
92. Learn to sew well enough to make adorable kids clothes and pajamas bottoms with a long inseam.
93. Be on a community board of directors.
94. Support parents just learning about their child's ADHD, anxiety or other neurological disorder.
95. Own a hybrid car.
96. Live the Way of the Tao.
97. Keep a fairly regular journal or blog. (Update: I think I am doing that! Woo-hoo!)
98. Take 4 year old to the tea cups at Disney - he has been asking to go for a few years.
99. Get close to whales in the wild.
100. See my niece cured of Diamond Blackfan Anemia, a rare blood disorder.
101. Die happy, fulfilled, and loved.

Come Write On My Bathroom Walls!

Once again, I need your help. I am starting a quote wall in my pink bathroom. This bathroom is attached to my kitchen that was painted when the water damage happened. The entire kitchen was light pink and glossy. Luckily, the damage changed that to mossy green. The bathroom was not painted because it had no wall damage. So, it is still faintly pink and glossy. I really have wanted to paint it, but since I am not getting to that project, I thought I would make a quote wall out of it.

My creative neighbors have a quote wall. It is their entire kitchen/dining room. The way I have heard it, they allow friends and family to add their favorite quotes on occassion. Like bathroom stall writing - without the vulgarities, BFF's, or TLA's. Quotes. Only. Good One's. That make you think. or Feel Good.

So, I am going to do the same in the pink bathroom. Fitting, I think. The bathroom. It's small, with four high walls. I started with the Hafiz quote I used the other day on my blog about the sun never saying to the earth "you owe me".

If you live near me and want to come write your quote in my bathroom, I'll let you. You must pass either the friendship/family test (as in, I know you) or a background check before I let you in my house. :)

If you don't live near me and want me to add your quote to my wall, submit it in the comments. I'll pick my favorites. If I pick your quote I will also use it as a blog title and come up with something smart to say about it. Or, I'll try, anyway.

I can't wait to hear your favorites!

Hot Damn Between My Legs & Various Other Stories from Wheatland

What a weekend! Wheatland never disappoints. You can guarantee you'll eat all the wrong (but yummy) foods, hear good music, drink good drinks, and watch your kids have fun. Here is a list of various funnies and warmies from the weekend. Enjoy!

• Kevin yelling "Amish!" every time we pass an Amish person on our drive out there. We pass a school and Amish children are playing on the playground (very sweet, really) and 9 year old says "Why are the Amish so short?" not realizing they were children (because they all dress like the adults).
• Cars line up to get in the gate. While waiting we are having a good ol' time. I crack a beer (we drove about 10 yards every 10 minutes) and sip my Hot Damn (cinnamon schnapps). KARK (m) says something about Hot Damn between my legs and we agree my blog title must be "hot damn between my legs". Thanks KARK(m)
• KARK x2's 4yr old daughter is singing to herself and when I lean in to listen to her she sings "I am singing a song... And my tunes all have love in them." This girl is so happy. She actually walks on her tippy toes or skips everywhere. Love her.
• KARK's 7 yr old daughter grabs my hand as I take her to the bathroom. Love her.
• My diet consisted of Greek Pizza, fried Potatoes and Gravy, walking tacos, an elephant ear, and beer/hot damn/coffee/gatorade. Talk about delicacies.
• Laughing with KARK(f) after we had a red bull and vodka. I'll try to remember why we were laughing and insert here:
• Listening to friend MK's son talk about a huge spider he had found: he said he didn't know if it was poisonous but if it bites him and he dies, it is.... (he LOVES bugs).
• Hearing the story of MK meeting her husband JK. He slapped her on the ass and said "do you want to make out?" She said no and declared him annoying. They are together over a decade later. So sweet.
• My 4yr old went into the porta-potty. I made sure he turned the green button to red by locking the door before I went in the next one. He came out first and wanted to know which one I was in. I banged on the side to show him and he said in his worried tone "MOM, you're not supposed to go in the red one's!!"
• Hearing Cheryl Wheeler. She's super funny and a good songwriter.
• The supposed 3-hour nap I took on Saturday. Thanks Kevin!
• KARK(f) reminding me that two years previous I was grumpy on the last day (Sundays are hard) and had told them before we left that "I am sorry I am moody. I haven't pooped in three days, I am tired, and I have dust boogers."
• I am happy to report, I was much less grumpy this time on the last day of Wheatland. I swear it was the walking tacos.
• My mom made awesome chicken salad, lent me her belt and put up with my eye rolling at her humming. (To tunes she had never heard - she was predicting the next note....but really, I'm sorry).
• My mom and dad impress me by coming to Wheatland even though they are "seniors", camping, and actually having a good time. They're so cool.
• I love Wheatland. It catapults me right into feeling fallish. It is good time spent with old and new friends. The kids love it, except for the "boring" music. I get a weekend outdoors.

Until next year, "Happy Wheatland!"

What We Could Do With A Love Like That

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth "you owe me".
Look what happens with a Love like that!

It lights the whole Sky. (Hafiz)

If I had to guess at why I was put on this earth - what difference I can make - I would say it has to be to love. I think we are all here to love, though. Is that a special skill? Something that can be made into a PrimeTime Heroes character? I mean do I really posess any loving talent greater than another? No, I don't think so. But I do think that loving is central to my existence. I want to learn how to do it well.

I already love so many people. I love the people put in my life without earthly choice: my parents, my children, my grandparents, my in-laws (via the earthly choice of my husband).

My earthly choices: Kevin and my friends.

The various people that I know well enough to show my love: co-workers, friends of friends, long ago friends, friends parents, teachers, people that I see frequently- some whose names I don't know (grocery store clerks), kids friends, kid friends parents.

Those that aren't the easiest to get along with because of who I am: George W. Bush, haters, negative people, manipulators, con artists, people with extremely different beliefs than me, darkworkers.

And the others - the one's that I find it hardest to love: criminals, child abusers, toxic people.

Those people least like me are hardest to know, right? I mean our differences make us resist getting to know one another. There are a lot more people in this world that are different than me than are the same. And yet, as I explained in my other post: Whatever, Same Difference, those differences are neither here nor there. I don't really care about them - when it comes down to humanity and love, I would prefer to hedge my bets on love winning in the end.

Do I want to make earthly choices about how to spend my time? Yes. I would rather spend my time with people that respect me and love me back.

Did I make an earthly choice on who to marry? Yes. I had to pick one person, people. And he had to pick me back. That's how marriage works (for me). Do I think that means I could never love another man again? No. I know I could - in much the same way. And I hope, should anything ever happen, that Kevin could love another woman in a similar way.

Love is our greatest expression of freedom. When we stop putting obstacles in the way of love and just love - we are truly free.

I wrote a question on facebook the other day. I asked my girlfriends to tell me if they tell their girlfriends that they love them, hug/kiss them, hold hands, or any physical contact (out of support or just because). I wasn't asking because I have an agenda. I just wanted to know. We give guys a hard time for their lack of emotions and ability to hug other guys. And yet, at most I hug my friends hello or goodbye. I sometimes tell girlfriends I love them. And I have kissed a few friends on the cheek when I felt they really needed the support. Yet, my daughter naturally holds hands with her best friend as they walk down the street. She and her friend giggle and hug and express their feelings about their "best friendship" with ease. And I sit wondering. When will that change? What rules will our girls learn that will suffocate their natural expression of love?

Is reading this making you squirm? Or question my sexual orientation? Honestly, it is making me squirm a little at thought of being questioned. And yet, I am learning to not care. I love to love. I love to be free in that way. There are so many rules I can't keep up with them - so I try not to. The love I feel for my fellow humans transcends those well known Greek/Christian classifications: Eros (sexual), Phileo (brotherly), Storge (parental), Xenia (hospitality). I feel something more like Agape: loving the soul of every individual.

If I could be a Hero would my special power (Love) make me extremely weak or superhumanly strong? Would I be so loving and trusting of others that one could come to me in a hug and stab me in the back? Or would my continued love for them at the moment of my death transcend death itself?

The children of Adam are limbs of each other
Having been created of one essence.
When the calamity of time afflicts one limb
The other limbs cannot remain at rest.
If you have no sympathy for the troubles of others
You are not worthy to be called by the name of "man". - Sa'di

He Doesn't Hate School, He'd Just Rather Be Home With Mom

Well, today was the first day of school. As a kid, I always loved the beginning of school. It meant fall, apples, cool days, new routines. I just couldn't wait to go back. The new school year eventually became old routine, but September 1st - November 1st was heaven.

My husband hated school as a kid - especially back to school. Kevin's ADHD and dyslexia contributed to his anxiety. So, when our 9 year old started saying he hated school in 1st grade we were not surprised. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder. He has pretty severe separation anxiety from mom (that's me).

Each school year since kindergarten has played a large part of our understanding our ADHD/GAD child. In kindergarten we realized he has trouble focusing. 1st grade he was diagnosed with ADHD and started meds. 2nd grade he had a teacher that he loved- and although she wasn't the best academic teacher in the world we realized the importance of having a kind, soft-spoken teacher for him. 3rd grade he was diagnosed with GAD and we trialed different medications and doses to add to the ADHD med. We also had team meetings with school officials, his teacher, and an advocate. As a team, we wrote a 504 plan that allows him certain accomodations, such as: two phone calls home during the day, 5 minutes in the hall when he needs a break, a wiggle seat, and a safe place in the school when he is feeling very anxious.

It is very hard to be a parent of a child with special needs. For me it is not hard work physically, or even mentally. Just hard work emotionally. Sometimes I am Tough Mom and tell him that no matter his crying and whining he is going to school. I have to unlock his grip from my arms and hand him over to the principal and run. Seriously. Other times I am Easy Mom and I let him stay home. I don't know if there is a reason that I choose to do one over the other. I think I just get a feeling of how serious his anxiety is at the moment - and, honestly, my ability to cope. And no matter how I choose to react, I always let him know I love him.

Last year was hard in many ways. We were trying to figure out the best medication combination for his anxiety and ADHD. This led to some anger and aggression on certain meds or doses. He got in a few fights, he talked about not living, he was miserable. By the end of the year we had a good combination ironed out and he finished the year well. Besides, it's easier for him to be in a good mood when the end is near.

So, imagine my surprise when he asked, out of nowhere, this past weekend "Mom if I never call home for the whole year will you buy me a Nintendo DS?" I said "SURE!" without even thinking about it. Then I quickly added "Actually, I still want you to be able to call home. But if you don't cry at drop off for the whole year you can have a Nintendo DS." He was super-geeked. SUPER! We had been talking about what it will take for him to get into Michigan State (where his dad and I went), as is his plan. I told him he has to get A's, B's, and C's at least. That means he has to stay in school and try. Soon after this conversation he asked about the DS.

I believe that he thought about the long-range goal of college, which created his short-term goal of a successful 4th grade. He then asked for a reward for meeting that short term goal. I didn't bribe him, coerce him, or dangle the prize in front of him. It was a huge moment for me. I am very proud of him. Little does he know I probably would have said yes to just about any toy or gadget. I just want him to be happy and fearless. Fearless, because nothing he does or does not do could change my love for him. And I know that happiness happens when you choose it. He has to go to school, that is not a choice. His freedom lies in choosing to have a good time despite his struggles.

The first day of school went really well. No tears. No fear. No clinging hugs. He seemed genuinely okay. That's all I can hope for each day. I love him so much. And I am so grateful.