Feeling Ferguson

Yesterday a Missouri grand jury decided not to indict an officer for the killing of an unarmed black youth. Personally, I am tired of innocent people dying at the hands of the people that are supposed to protect and SERVE. I am left to conclude, after countless news stories, that the profession of police officer is attractive to narcissistic and power-hungry people with pent up anger and aggression. Generally. I know there are people that go into the field hoping to protect and serve ALL and generalizations and stereotypes are what got us into this mess, so let's drop them all together.

A white police man killed an unarmed black teenager. That is the problem and it's a real one. There is a lack of understanding on our part, as white people, about what it is like to be a black person. The anger and pain that the black community is feeling isn't just because of Michael Brown's death. It seems simplistic to say, but the looting, the burning, the overwhelming anger comes from the culmination of mistreatment of blacks at the hands of whites - violent deaths and traumatic shaming, among others. The pain of their ancestors is passed down through the generations, and added to it are the oppressive stories of people they know personally, and the fact that it doesn't seem to stop. They are a terrorized people, never knowing when life might turn on them. Will it be while walking through their own neighborhood, into a store, sitting in school?

I don't profess to be any kind of expert on race relations. What I do know a lot of, though, is love and humanity and how we feebly, often poorly, attempt to share a world with people that we don't completely understand. It is unfortunate that our shared humanity doesn't take precedent when we look at each other. We see differences before we see similarities, we judge right and wrong based on our culture, religious beliefs and upbringing - we forget our shared humanity. But rather than wrap the sad Ferguson outcome in a ton of philosophy, I'd like to share where my heart is today.

• I'm sad that a mother lost her son.
• I am tired of police brutality.
• And that too often the two go together.
• The cycle of violence needs to stop and all parties are ultimately responsible for the laws they break and crimes they perpetrate. If our system can't hold a person responsible for their crime, karma will. Something will.
• I can feel the grief of an entire group of people, not because I am immersed in it, but because I can imagine what the continued oppression would do to my kids and I if we lived it.
• Imagination doesn't compare to living it.
• What can I do? What can you do? What can we do?
• I don't want to read another race relation quote from MLK, Jr., Nelson Mandela or Maya Angelou on Facebook that isn't followed by a personal statement. Yes, they are posted by well-intended white people. Let's stop having hard conversations using quotes in place of words and lets speak our own minds. How does Ferguson make YOU feel?
• Facebook can make anything of importance seem one dimensional and artificial. 
• I think it's hard for white people to speak about black lives - we don't want to piss people off by saying the wrong thing. We really don't have a clue what to say, but until we admit we don't know (our regurgitated quotes can't save us from our ignorance), we won't learn and we can't grow.
• I'm not claiming that I know that Facebook is where the conversation stops for people posting quotes. Hopefully, we white people are sitting down in groups asking how we can create change - formulating a plan and putting it into action. Maybe we are sitting our children down and telling them the story of Trayvon and Michael and the countless others and how unfortunate it is to be black in this country. Maybe we ask them what they can do to create change.
• What can I do? For the love of all people, what can I do?
• I must find a way to meet anger with compassion, brutality with understanding (grasping at grace with this one), fear with love, and hate with courage.
• It will be hard for me to ever understand why Darren Wilson killed Michael Brown. I don't care to debate the so-called reasons, they will never convince me. How can a man shoot a child that posed no threat to said man's life? I don't know, but I do know that the breed of man that could do such a thing is deeply misguided - which is unfortunate for all of us. That said, I can have compassion for his upbringing/learned hate and fear, but in our society a person pays for their criminal misconduct in prison. He will not be and that is not okay.
• I can't expect our nation, with its undercurrent of fear, to make changes immediately when faced with the fallout of an obvious wrong action. I do expect that we will not let Michael Brown or Trayvon Martin's memories fade when cable news finds another top story. 
• Their deaths have led us to a potential pulse point in history - a very important place in time when we have an opportunity to learn, grow and change. We must raise our consciousness around race, violence and its effects in order to turn the tide. We have to admit that we all fail our human family when we turn the other way, judge a child, or allow violent and abusive behavior to continue. 
• We fail our children when we don't listen to them or believe them. The bullying, shaming and abuse perpetrated against our children in school, at home, out in the community - it happens and it is real. We need to stop these hate-driven crimes if we see them. *every child = our child
• Our personal history of pain gets in the way of everything we do and until we work on peace and love within, we will be incapable of sharing it. This sounds like a platitude, but it is the greatest and most profound spiritual teaching that I know of. Where you find anger, fear, insecurity you will find aggression, judgement and unhealthy competition, all of which lead back to Ferguson.
• I don't have the magic fix for the issues in Ferguson or Florida or Michigan. The best I can do is be love, see our oneness, act in the face of brutality and care for my community. I can also vote, write letters to politicians, organize a peaceful protest or vigil and use my voice.

As a nation, we have a lot of things backwards and there are many things I would like to change. I will say, though, my greatest wish would be to live in a country that truly embraces a life of freedom and justice for all. It is our unalienable right, right?

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Five

its the sunset
of another year.
leaving behind
and moving on.
from the depths
of disjointed being,
slipping silently
into the muck,
to the breeding of
joy and laughter
the clock ticking on.
five years ago
we changed,
we remember
and we forget.
our perpetual idealism,
our vented frustrations.
our past will
define parts of us,
an event we likely
wouldn't have chosen.
a day that we are now
so much better for.
its a rain cloud
casting a rainbow,
it is the darkness
of uncertainty.
yet we are certain
we will survive.
the best do,
we did,
five.

Birth, Death and Living In Between

Yesterday was a day of life and a day of death. At 6:00 am I woke up to a message that my neighbor was in labor - the message was left at 4:00 am. I was supposed to be present for her home birth to offer support in the form of energy healing. I dressed quickly, ran over to their house, opened the door to find mama in the birthing pool in the middle of the living room and dad snuggling his new baby girl. A happy scene. I took some pictures of the newly expanded family and left them to nuzzle on their beautiful baby girl. Life.

I went to work where I received a text that my high school boyfriend's mother had just passed away. I was conflicted about whether or not to attend the funeral, send a card, do nothing, etc. My mind poured over all of the scenarios, giving me no clear answer on what to do. And then, Robin Williams. Dead of apparent suicide. Stunning. Sad. An amazing man. Yes, wonderful comedian. Yes, famous actor. Yes, recovering addict. For me, though, there was a perspective that was missing - a potential part of him that was not understood. There have been great tributes to the actor/comedian Robin, articles on mental illness, sharing of the suicide prevention hotline, Hollywood reactions to his death. I have read a lot of them. Not one article or tribute has contained the words that I want to hear. Need to hear.

Addictions or not, mental illness or not, famous or not - Life Is Hard. Especially for those of us that feel everything. We have our hearts on the pulse of life and the peace of death. The knowing, that some of us have, that we are here to learn lessons and live life as fully as possible until we are met again with the open arms of amazing grace and unconditional love, is both what keeps us going and what can also make death less terrifying than living. To be born into a world of feeling is to live with one's heart open to both unquantifiable love and immense pain. Life does not take it easy on us. It gives us challenges cloaked in relationships, feel-good chemicals, the duality of love and hate/good and bad, and religions to further confuse us about our salvation. Many of us crawl through life terrified of the future, angry at the past. Others choose to live big, embrace the adventure, ride the roller coaster. And some of us timidly take on challenges that excite us when we succeed, and anger us when we fail. Any way you live it, life leads to death. You can't avoid it.

I walk through this life in two worlds. I live in the physical world - a world with my family, friends, bills, violence, temptations, politics, beauty, kindnesses, art, poetry, helpers, healers, takers and givers. I also live in a spiritual world. A world beyond the five senses. A world of energy, unconditional love, spirit guides, angels, and a pureness of body, mind and spirit. This is a world that exists within and beyond the physical world. Our unlimited and expansive home -  a place where we are fully embraced and accepted for who we are. It is amazing grace and within the veil, a life of joy and peace.

I want to believe that maybe Robin knew this too. His crystal blue, sparkling eyes of depth and love seemed to indicate he did. Maybe he no longer felt or saw evidence of the spiritual world in the physical world, and he was pained for it. We are the ones left behind, and that is always hard. We try to understand it - but only have our own lenses (yes, me too) from which to do so. What do we do next to honor him? Yes, he should be revered for his uncanny abilities in comedic relief. Of course his life will be talked about and analyzed because he was a celebrity. No, do not let us forget those that struggle with mental illness and depression and know no other choice but ending the pain. Let's do what we can to understand and support them. In my heart, I feel Robin Williams made a choice yesterday and I believe he did it knowing where he was going.

Living with a sense of knowing what awaits me on the other side has been my blessing and my curse. When the pain of this life looms large and the promise of peace in the next life is all you have, your choice is easy. I wonder, why stay? I also understand that no matter where my soul resides, the physical or spiritual world, love surrounds me and all will be well. This promise keeps be grounded in the world of duality, ready to adventure through.

In between birth and death is life - and it's a mighty hill to climb. Beautiful, difficult, painful, full of beauty and love.

Universe-ity. School for My Soul

I have learned a few things in my 38 years and 10 months about who I am and how that relates to the greater world. I don't profess to know a right path for everyone, but I do have some lessons learned that help guide me on my way. If you are an empath, or someone who is tuned in to energy, relationships and the greater mysteries of the universe, you may find these tidbits helpful. Mostly, I needed to write them down so I have a reference when I falter.

• We cross each other's paths to learn something. Sometimes our learning takes place in mere moments, other times we need decades. No relationship is unimportant to your humanity and growth. Honor them, the good ones and the hard ones. Let them go when they have served their purpose.
• The best things in life are the simple things. The first sip of coffee or tea on a Sunday morning, a goodnight kiss, holding hands, the friend that shows up when you need her, the sun that rises and sets despite your best efforts to stop time. Make mental notes of gratitude during these divine moments. For the love of joy, do!
• The universe continues on (expanding) because of energy. The energy of the sun and wind, the energy of love, the energy between people, and the energy in your cells, among others, is what moves us closer to bliss. Without this unseen life force, there would be nothing. Honor it by taking care of the energy you receive from another, and reciprocate with your own light energy as an offering of goodwill. Apologize and explain when you can't muster enough good energy to be a positive force in the world. That alone will contribute to the bank of good tidings. 
• Honesty is one of the most important virtues. Too many of us learned as young children to tell white lies so as to save ourselves or others from fear and pain. When the energy of your lies build over time though, you constantly live in fear and pain for not being honest. What you work hard to fight against, you create. Create truth. Create love.
• Do I want to be happy? Not really, no. Happiness, to me, is a fleeting emotion that insinuates falling in and out of a state of smiley contentment that often depends on getting one's way. I want to be joyful. I want peace. I want to know the joy that one feels in noticing the unexpected gifts and, like a child, feeling excited and grateful. Or the joy in hearing your favorite tune on the radio and at once commencing in loud singing, or dancing with abandon. Joy is a state of recognition - when we realize that life is full of amazing miracles in small (and large) packages. And when the joy that flows in waves through my heart and soul pulls back, I want the feeling of peace to be what remains. 
• Why do some people hurt people? Fear, insecurities, anger, triggers from old memories, wanting/needing/having to be right. Love on people that aren't interested in showing the world their woundedness, but instead share their vulnerabilities and grace.
• They say that the things that bug you about someone else are a mirror to your own issues. That you are just projecting. I see this a lot and I do agree that many people project their stuff on to others, but I also realize (now after a lot of time spent analyzing) that some people are just assholes and it has nothing to do with you. We empaths need to know this or we will spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing our shortcomings. Everyone has stuff to work on, sure, but don't let someone else's stuff become your stuff or you'll burst at the seams.
• It's okay to admit that you don't like someone. For as long as I can remember, I thought it was my gift and my purpose to find something to like about everyone. Some people have made that really hard. Others told me it was me and that I hadn't done enough for them. Some people didn't give two shits if I liked them or not. So, why did I spend so much of my life caring about people who didn't care about me when I could have been spending that energy caring for myself or the people that did? I'm almost 39 and for the first time I recently admitted there are people in this world that I don't like. Hello, my name is Katie and I am (still) a recovering people-pleaser.
• I've often wondered why some friends don't put a lot of effort into scheduling time together. They claim they like you. They say it's fun to hang out. They never call. I don't know if I have clarity quite yet, but I know that maybe it shouldn't matter. If you believe the relationship is a good one and it is mutual then spend time with that person when you can. If they are saying they like spending time with you, but their behaviors don't match their words don't spend extra energy worrying about it. For some reason they can't be honest with you, in which case maybe you don't want to be that close anyway.

Love in the Clutches of Chaos and Terror

This is a note to myself. I needed an outlet after yesterday's pain and confusion.

Thinking of Boston. The only thing I could think to do was accept the invitation I saw on FB to send Reiki energy to the victims and their families, and then to all that have experienced a sense of fear and trauma from the event.

We will each have different reactions to trauma. I tend to recognize it, accept it and ask what I can do to change it. On a personal level, from this chair at my desk at work, in Michigan, how can I be of service? I want to be love. I want to be fearless. I want to model those qualities for my children as they grow up in this chaotic world. I know that when my mind turns to fear (and it has), the terrorists win. When I have thoughts of violence and retribution, I am thinking like a terrorist. Mostly, I can't help but feel overwhelmed because I am NOT surprised by these events. We live in a country that is at war, internally and externally. There is a worldwide pervasive need to be right and to prove others wrong.

There are bullies in our schools, bullies in politics, adults that bully, and there are bullies with weapons and bombs. There are bullies that claim to be on the side of "good", calling the wrong-doers "maggots" or "sociopaths". We can call the bullies dark and talk about how "light" we are, or call them bad and thank God for the good people. We claim an "us" and a "them" and the chaos continues. Darkness is not all or nothing, it exists in all of humanity, and in each one of us. We talk about bad people and bad things while we separate ourselves out from that kind of bad, as if badness can be ranked. If you make a bad choice, it's a bad choice no matter what society deems most punishable, or religion claims as most sinful. A bully on the playground is a terrorist to the child he/she is bullying. A parent yelling and spanking their child is a terrorist to that child. A spouse calling their partner names is terrorizing him/her. Terror exists in abundance on every level. I'm guilty of it. I get angry, confused and defensive.

While it was not MY legs that were blown off, or MY son that died, it was OUR legs and OUR son. To heal this world, we must acknowledge our oneness. We must face our anger, fears and hatred so we can be more compassionate with others. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent people that are experiencing trauma in Boston because of a person or group's choices, beliefs and need to defend them. I know what I can do to contribute to the healing. I must look at my feelings of separateness, anger and fear and ask - do I help create confusion in the world or eliminate it? I have to open my eyes, heart and mind to other ways of living and being in this world. I must love, and see equal, all of my sisters and brothers - the Republicans, the Democrats, the gays, the Westboro Baptist churchgoers, the rich, the poor, the helpers and the terrorists.

A week before Monday's bombings in Boston, American's dropped a bomb in Afghanistan that killed six children working in a field. There are many reasons that cause a person or nation to flex that mighty muscle of power. How do we stop it?

I don't know the global answer. I just know that I can choose to opt-out of vilifying others and look for opportunities to offer compassion, peace and love. Love is what heals.


"How to defeat terrorism? Don't be terrorized. Don't let fear rule your life. Even if you are scared.” - Salman Rushdie

Knowitalledness, Be Sabered!

I've been thinking a lot lately about the recent day that the phrase know-it-all was used in conjunction with "your tendencies" (your, meaning mine). It really bothered me at first, because I truly don't want to be thought of as anything but smart, lovely, kind, and wonderful. Not because I need someone else to give me a sense of personal worth, but because that is how I see myself (and oy, I know how that sounds). I recognize that I am not those things all of the time, but I also recognize that at my core I AM those things in abundance. The thing is,if I can see my smart, lovely, kind and wonderful self, it means I have eyes to see the world, and you, in the same way.

The most uneasy thing about being called a know-it-all is that I knew it had truth and yet I struggled with the negativity of it. It was a hard thing to own immediately because when you Google Know-it-All, you'll find this definition on Wikipedia: A know-it-all or know-all is a person who obnoxiously purports an expansive comprehension of a topic and/or situation when in reality, his/her comprehension is inaccurate or limited. The rub for me was "obnoxiously purports and his/her comprehension is inaccurate or limited." My comprehension is certainly limited when it comes to your life and what you need. That's a given. However, I don't speak about things which I have no comprehension. I ask about those things. I don't know if I come off as obnoxiously purporting things to be true that aren't. If I do, tell me. The truth is that I love to learn from others, from the internet, from books and from life experience. LOVE it. I will consume as much information as possible about a subject in order to have as many perspectives as possible. I will research something until I have exhausted much of the library and Google's relevant information. I will try books, products, ways of being, new activities, etc. to see what thing/way feels true to me. I don't research to know everything that is right for YOU, I research to help me understand my world. When you and I have a conversation, you may notice that I love to talk and connect dots with you - connection is another of my favorite things in the world.

So, it is true that I love to accumulate information. Not to be a know-it-all and impress you, but so that I can know what I like and how I want to live. Then, here's the rub on YOU, friend, I get super excited about what I have learned and what I know and I like to share my knowledge. I don't do it in hopes that you take my word for it and follow my path, look up to me, or think I'm amazing. I share with the hope that you will share, too. I really do respect your journey, and I really like you, damn it. I want you and I to be freakin' bad-ass Jedi's and cross our lightsabers. And I want you to tell me all about your lightsaber and why you love it and what amazing things you have done with it. I don't think my lightsaber is better than yours, it's just the tool that I use to deflect the darkness. I picked up the methods I use to wield my lightsaber in Jedi training, as well through certain natural instincts. I totally get that you have your Jedi training and your own natural instincts and I want to honor them. Have I lost you, Obi Wan? This is the heart of my rambling: You have your own way of living, loving and being. And I LOVE that about you, and I want to know how you manage to do all that you do and be all that you are because you are my hero. I am in awe of you.

The conclusion? I don't want to be on anyone's pedestal. I want to be someone you walk your path with (for as long as you will have me) sharing stories, likes and dislikes, and Jedi Master tricks. And, I want you to know that when I tell you about the latest thing I love or have found, or that my life is better for something or someone that I have come to know, I am not saying it with any sense of I-know-better or I-am-better. I'm not. It's not my way. It's that I love me. And because I love me, I love you. Because I love my life, I love your life. Because I am grateful for amazing finds, I am grateful for finding an amazing you. This may not make my knowitalledness any easier for you, but knowing what I know about me, it's made it easier for me to accept what I am. I am okay with my current level of Jedi training, my purple lightsaber and my path (including the shadows), and I am more than okay with yours.

With genuine love for thee,

Katie

**As a disclaimer: this post is a response to a comment a friend made after I argued (in love) with her about pasta. I know this person loves me for who I am and that helps me feel safe to dig deep. I have amazing friends that see all of me and love me with honesty and I am extremely grateful.

Thesis for my Masters of Science in Quitting

For over six months a very persistent but understanding voice has told me that it's time to move on. I have ignored it, I have attempted to reason with it, I have resented it and been angry at it. Who in their right fucking mind quits a job when they are the ONLY one earning a stable income and bringing in benefits? Who? That would be me.

My life in review has led me to this truth: I am a quitter. I quit things that I don't feel are right for me. As a kid, I quit piano (mean teacher), gymnastics (too tall), and soccer (probably saved myself from anorexia or bulimia). I quit friendships - every year in high school I had a new group of friends. I retreated from those that overlooked me, were uninterested in really knowing me, or those that were interested in friendships that brought status. When I quit my high school boyfriend, it was to begin dating a handsome, long-haired, art education major in college. I thought it would be a short fling - an exciting dance to the tune of Wild Thing. I am still dancing with him 19 years later. The summer after my freshman year in college I came home, got a job at Burger King and then quit said job after my first elbow-covered-in-french-fry-grease night. I immediately told my parents I would not be spending the summer living with them (I was 18) and I moved back to East Lansing where I lived for three and a half years, gladly paying my own way that summer. I almost quit college, but decided against it and instead finished in three and a half years. Immediately after graduating from MSU, I quit the state of Michigan and moved to Phoenix, Arizona with my boyfriend-turned-fiance in tow. No jobs, no friends, just a rented apartment. Eventually we found jobs and made friends. We solidified our togetherness there - 2000 miles from any expectations, traveling the red rock, desert land of the west. We had been in Arizona for nine months, were married in Michigan during that time, when I decided we should quit Arizona. I had quickly realized how much I loved and needed Michigan and my family. We bought a house in a lovely neighborhood and we each had jobs, when I decided we needed to have kids. I then quit my job to stay home with them. I have quit multiple part-time jobs as a mom - always looking for a schedule and variety that worked best both personally and for my family. And now, the biggest risk I have ever taken is quitting a job that provides medical benefits and a stable paycheck to once again be at home. Why? Because...

I haven't quit my childhood dream job - to be a great mom.
I haven't quit my kids.
I haven't quit my marriage.
I haven't quit faith.
I haven't quit adventure.
I haven't quit listening to my intuition.
I haven't quit trusting in my ability to land on my feet.
I haven't quit knowing who I am and what I am capable of.
I haven't quit my dreams.

I am not done quitting. I look forward to quitting. I will gladly quit:
fear.
caring about other people's opinions of me.
looking backward.
worry.
resentment.
materialism.
wondering if I am enough, if my life has been worth it.

Today, I am a happy and peaceful person because of the things I quit. I don't regret one thing I have quit. I have known when it's right to stay and when it's time to move on. All of my decisions have led me to a greater understanding of myself and of life. I am so grateful to have solid, loving, mutual friendships. My husband I have have worked really hard to nurture the love and passion in our marriage and despite difficulties and dark days we continue to move forward. We are both nurtured and frustrated by the growth that we ask of and create for each other. I have three beautiful children that love me and still admit it out loud. I have family that lives near, in this beautiful state that I love. I live in the town that I grew up in and happily have claimed again, through a new love affair, as "home". I am looking forward to building a business with my husband and a holistic health practice of my own. I don't feel like a quitter at all. I feel like a doer. Like an adventurer. I'm a life-liver-and-lover and I'm at peace with who I am.

“Quitting is not giving up, it's choosing to focus your attention on something more important. Quitting is not losing confidence, it's realizing that there are more valuable ways you can spend your time. Quitting is not making excuses, it's learning to be more productive, efficient and effective instead. Quitting is letting go of things (or people) that are sucking the life out of you so you can do more things that will bring you strength.” ― Osayi Osar-Emokpae, Impossible Is Stupid

Intention to be Successful

I followed a nice car this morning on my drive to work. It was a convertible Lexus C-something-or-other. I was looking at it and admiring. I thought "would I buy that car if I could?" and I immediately answered "no". But I would let my husband buy it if he really really wanted it, and I would take it for a spin now and then. And then I got analyzing my answer and why I would be seen in it - but not everyday. I guess, it's because I am comfortable with luxury but not desperate for it. I was raised partially in the lap of it. It was never directly ours and my parents argued about money so much I thought we had none. Someone else had plenty, though. Someone I really really loved and admired. I knew he was loving and kind and would give the shirt off his back to anyone who needed it. He was the son of Norwegian immigrants who had very little. He set an intention to own his own business and he eventually made plenty of money. He handled money well. He gave it away, he helped others with it, he spent it on his wife & family. He made good things happen with it. He died poor. He had spent it all living luxuriously, having what he wanted and giving whenever he could.

The point? I am comfortable with money, luxury and success because it was good to me. But, it was never mine. So, I don't see it as something that I need to be happy. Truly. For me, this translates to not sticking to anything. If I don't need money for happiness, I can just do what I want to do and that can change every couple of years - a mental life of a beatnik, or a hippie, or gypsy. It's all good, man.

Then I realized. I want to be what I am meant to be - the fullest potential I can muster in this lifetime. It means taking a risk and to take this risk I know I need to make a living doing it. I have never had a clear vision for my career. And that has worked fine for me, until now.

Tonight, I walked in the woods. I was silent. I let ideas come find me. It doesn't take them long. The mind heard "be a person with a passion to do a certain job". And I pictured it. I thought of me as a person with a career intention. Not floundering, not changing my mind, and not stopping. I realized that this was a "me" that I had neglected. I neglected my career in building my dream life. In neglecting my career, I have not walked a straight path to my dream. I decided it's time to find the path and walk it. While I know money is not what I need to be happy, it is what come from doing what I love and creating the life I want.