I decided to start this blog because I am very conscious of my authenticity leading others to find me odd. There is no place like suburbia to make it easy for your uniqueness to stand out. The theme song for the show Weeds sings it out wonderfully...
For many years I stopped being who I was because it garnished such looks, or comments, like "You're wierd", "I don't get you", "She's a bitch". Maybe the last one had nothing to do with my strangeness and I need to own a bitchy side, too. But for the most part I have always been quiet, caring, interested in right more than wrong. I was never very rebellious.
I bonded early with my dad which led to an interesting, unharmonious relationship with my mom growing up. As a child, of course I didn't understand why she had such a hard time getting me. I know now it was not only my relationship with my dad but my very girly preferences (she was a tomboy), my quiet introverted tendencies (she was talkative and social), and my affection for quietly reading or daydreaming (she can't sit still). My relationship with my mom now is much better. Friendship works better for us than a parent-child relationship.
When I felt, as a girl, that who I was dissapointed people I became fearful of being who-I-am. My fears of being authentic were ingrained deep. People pleasing seemed easier than saying "No" or "Not me". Funny, peer pressure didn't work on me, though. I was not interested in doing what other people did just because. My sense of right and wrong, and my fear of my mother, outweighed what a bunch of immature kids thought was fun. I could see other people's insecurities from a young age and knew that most of their negative actions came from those insecurities. My people pleasing had more to do with adults and less to do with peers. Respecting adults seemed more important than respecting myself.
So, here I am, almost 33 years old, more ready to be myself with every person than I have ever been. I still have all of those traits from my girlhood, plus a lot more that I am just letting others see. This blog is my testament to being authentic. Yes, my authenticity has caused others to glare, laugh, stare, cry, thank me, curse me.... but I don't care. I have learned it is much easier to be myself than to work so hard and expend so much energy to please others. Sometimes it can even feel a bit scandalicious.
"It is not your role to make others happy; it is your role to keep yourself in balance. When you pay attention to how you feel and practice self-empowering thoughts that align with who-you-really-are, you will offer an example of thriving that will be of tremendous value to those who have the benefit of observing you." - Abraham- through Esther Hicks
