Reformed People Pleaser, Sorry!

I decided to start this blog because I am very conscious of my authenticity leading others to find me odd. There is no place like suburbia to make it easy for your uniqueness to stand out. The theme song for the show Weeds sings it out wonderfully...



For many years I stopped being who I was because it garnished such looks, or comments, like "You're wierd", "I don't get you", "She's a bitch". Maybe the last one had nothing to do with my strangeness and I need to own a bitchy side, too. But for the most part I have always been quiet, caring, interested in right more than wrong. I was never very rebellious.

I bonded early with my dad which led to an interesting, unharmonious relationship with my mom growing up. As a child, of course I didn't understand why she had such a hard time getting me. I know now it was not only my relationship with my dad but my very girly preferences (she was a tomboy), my quiet introverted tendencies (she was talkative and social), and my affection for quietly reading or daydreaming (she can't sit still). My relationship with my mom now is much better. Friendship works better for us than a parent-child relationship.

When I felt, as a girl, that who I was dissapointed people I became fearful of being who-I-am. My fears of being authentic were ingrained deep. People pleasing seemed easier than saying "No" or "Not me". Funny, peer pressure didn't work on me, though. I was not interested in doing what other people did just because. My sense of right and wrong, and my fear of my mother, outweighed what a bunch of immature kids thought was fun. I could see other people's insecurities from a young age and knew that most of their negative actions came from those insecurities. My people pleasing had more to do with adults and less to do with peers. Respecting adults seemed more important than respecting myself.

So, here I am, almost 33 years old, more ready to be myself with every person than I have ever been. I still have all of those traits from my girlhood, plus a lot more that I am just letting others see. This blog is my testament to being authentic. Yes, my authenticity has caused others to glare, laugh, stare, cry, thank me, curse me.... but I don't care. I have learned it is much easier to be myself than to work so hard and expend so much energy to please others. Sometimes it can even feel a bit scandalicious.

"It is not your role to make others happy; it is your role to keep yourself in balance. When you pay attention to how you feel and practice self-empowering thoughts that align with who-you-really-are, you will offer an example of thriving that will be of tremendous value to those who have the benefit of observing you." - Abraham- through Esther Hicks

What Do You Take With You on the Adventure of Your Lifetime?

I have done a lot of work in the past 4 years. Working from home. Working on lightening my load so that my life adventure is the best it can be. This work involved reading. Meditating. Asking. Listening. and The Work. The Work works for me. From the website: The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world. It's a way to understand what's hurting you, and to address your problems with clarity.

I am also able to see what other people take with them on their lifetime adventure. Their baggage. It may be desiger, inexpensive, simple, newly acquired or from years ago, no matter the outside it is just a container for their stuff. It is lugged wherever one may go. And the contents are worn in countless arrangements: the overall look commonly called their style.

It might be a person's style to commonly get an attitude with the hardworking people in the service industry, despite the quality of service. It might be another's style to take their unhappiness from one relationship to the next, and the next, and the next; always blaming the other person. It might be a kind grandmother's style to worry if there is something to be worried about, and there always is. It might be the teacher's style to care more about manners from children than allowing them to be the smart people they are, with opinions and ideas that disagree with authority.

When I notice other people's baggage now, it is with love. I judge and criticize less and love more. How can I be mad at someone else for having baggage when I have my own? I just notice from a place of knowing what it's like. And I love them.

My awareness of other people taking their baggage with them didn't happen until after I became aware of, and did The Work on, my own baggage. My baggage was (and still is, on occasion) my high expectations of myself, others, and how my life should be. My awareness and questioning of my high expectations has helped me tremendously in feeling more peaceful than I have ever felt in my life. I am the first to admit that I have wanted everything in my life to be completely fulfilling and wonderful (or ahem.. perfect, I dare say). My time spent as a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids. My part-time job. My husband. My kids. My dogs. My house. My friends. My family. Everything was supposed to complete my life. But it did not and does not and will not. In the past, this realization would lead to internal anguish. Why didn't this job, this friend, this person, this house, this God, this choice - fill me up?? It must be the thing, the house, husband, job, the church, kids, friends, and NOT ME!! (Blaming is the cornerstone in believing our baggage to be more beautiful and filled with important things that we have to have to exist - while at the same time believing we know best for another what they need to exist).

The thousands of moments that I have spent disappointed in other people have taken their toll. I am tired of it. I am tired of my idealistic view of life. I have thought things such as: my mother-in-law should have loved me from the get-go and we should have become friends that occasionally spent our free time together. She should have been so pleased and excited to have a daughter-in-law like me! This is not what happened and I let it hurt me for too long. And this doozy: the people that bought our old house should have wanted to be our friends and could have invited us over for dinner to show us all of the great things they did to the house and tell us all of the reasons they love it and the neighborhood. Instead, they wouldn't make eye contact with us, much less have a conversation. Lastly, my relationships with ALL of my friends would be based on mutual respect, fun times, and truth. In actuality, I wanted it but when I looked closely, did I always offer that? No. I was always disappointed and often sad when, for whatever reason, my expectations were not met. In these examples my expectations were set so high that the truth was often disappointing and yet very REAL. Then I realized that I took my expectations into those situations and then had the audacity to feel betrayed and saddened that the reality did not meet my standards. So the person with the problem was me.

The past 4 years has taught me that it is not other people or things that are supposed to fulfill me, but me. I can only be in charge of my baggage, what I pack and where I take it. When I am in other people's baggage, arguing with what they choose to carry around, I lose. When I stay in my own business and actively look for ways to become the best person I can be, I find heaven and life is divine.

Byron Katie likes to say "All war begins in the mind. And separately - All war belongs on paper, do The Work, find peace inside and the world will follow." And "If you want something to be different than it is, you might as well teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, "Meow." Wanting something to be different than it is is hopeless."

Though there are times I still have to dialogue or blog about issues I am working out in my head, I have found a large amount of inner peace by questioning my thoughts. The should haves, the supposed to, the have to are fading away. What's replacing them is the ISness of life and it is beautiful. I don't always understand why, but I now find my lack of knowing the why's and how's of things to be an adventure, not a curse. So, I didn't get the job - that's obviously not what was best for me. Not one of my relationships is with a person exactly like me and that makes them so much more exciting and educational. Finally, I have stopped pretending to be God; dictating how others should act, what is right and wrong, and how the world should be. It's none of my business.